Yesterday
I muddled around quite a bit, trying to get my head right and decide what I was doing for the rest of the day. I grabbed lunch with Jeremiah and then spent the next few hours plotting out a conversation I would never end up having. I stumbled through the rest of the day trying to get straight and when I locked up just before seven it was a mad dash over to the dry cleaners to pick up my clothes. I was intending to go out. I stopped to chat with The Rookie for a bit and then headed home, totally forgetting to eat dinner even though I was starving. My brain was grinding hard. It wasn't a good feeling. So I hopped on the treadmill and walked until my brain stopped hurting. Then I shot upstairs, hopped in the shower, and headed into the living room to dry off and get dressed fully intending to go out. I wrapped myself in a clean towel, sat down in my chair and grabbed another towel to dry my hair . Three hours later I was still sitting there. Still wrapped in that towel having done and said nothing much but having thought about quite a bit.
2 Night Old Dreams
The other night I was dreaming trippy. Three separate dreams stand out. Here they are.
I was in some sort of home with tall glass windows and flat wooden ceilings. There were little pools in the middle of each room and I could see sea monsters swimming below, drifting from room to room. At first I was alone but then other people started to show up. They were all very quiet and I somehow got the impression that we were in a sort of museum. I walked around the edges of the room trying to avoid getting anywhere near the openings for fear of falling into the water with the sea monsters. But there were other people clustered in the corners of the room and every time I reached a corner I'd have to move closer to the center of the room just to get around them. One of these times the room was so crowded that I had to step over the edge of the pool and I thought it odd that I made the jump with such great ease. But as I entered room after room and they grew more and more crowded I found myself leaping over larger and larger pools. None of it seemed all that difficult, it just seemed odd. And then I reached what looked like the last room. It was practically empty and the only door I could see was the one I had just entered through. The opposite wall had no windows, it was just tall and white and somewhat imposing. I started to turn back but then I noticed a small girl standing by the pool. I wondered why she was standing there all alone so I walked over to her and said hello. She looked up at me and smiled, but didn't say anything back and soon returned to staring into the pool. I asked if she was ok and without looking at me she shook her head "yes" and then jumped into the pool. I panicked thinking about what all these gigantic sea monsters would do to this pretty little girl so I jumped in after her hoping to save her. The water was heavy and warm and though it was perfectly clear I couldn't see the bottom or the walls of the pool in any direction. The girl was nowhere to be found, but there were so many sea monsters I wondered how they didn't crash into each other as they thrashed about. Suddenly unsure whether there was a little girl in the first place I tried to surface only to find that the openings into the building were all gone and I could see nothing above my head at all. It was then I realized I could breathe perfectly find under water and knowing I had no other choice I began to swim amongst the monsters, hoping they wouldn't notice me and hoping I was heading in the right direction.
I was sitting near a camp fire under a gigantic overpass. It looked like I was under a highway, but I could hear no cars. In the distance I could see light and the sky so I knew it was daytime, but hidden so far from the opening the only light that mattered to me was the numerous campfires spread evenly about 30 feet apart. I could see other people I knew huddled near their fires, mostly in pairs sometimes in threes. But I seemed to be the only one alone, and no one seemed to be moving about. I got up and tried to walk towards one particular pair but found that I was unable to travel past the glow of my own fire. I tried calling out to them but it seemed like they must be much farther away than I thought. Once or twice when calling out to a particular person they seemed to have heard me, but they could not seem to locate where they sound was coming from, and when they reached the edge of their fires glow then wandered back towards their partner uncertain they had heard anything at all. After one such attempt to reach someone a few fires away I heard the sound of a man's voice shushing me, but I couldn't find where the noise had come from either. I waited a moment and then shouted, "Hello?" And then strained to hear where the responding "shush" came from. But it did no good. And then I noticed an old man wandering from fire to fire occasionally disappearing into the dark only to resurface in the glow two or three fires away. If anyone else noticed him they didn't seem to let on. And try as I might I couldn't discover a pattern amongst his travels, he would disappear in the shadows and a few moments later reappear somewhere else never stopping for more than a moment and never speaking to anyone, so I was very much surprised when he disappeared near one fire and suddenly was standing right next to me. I stared at him and he stared back for a moment, a quizzical look on his bearded face, and then I slowly reached out my hand in greeting and said, "Hello?" He looked down at my hand, the horror growing on his face, and he quickly slapped it away. He spent a moment longer considering me and then sat down on the other side of the fire from me. He ran his hand through his mangy hair, shaking his head in wonder, spit on the ground, looked right at me and said, "You and I need to talk. But first I need a nap." And just like that he was out. I watched him sleep for a moment before curling up and falling asleep myself.
I was in Goffle Brook Park, sitting in a giant old glass phonebooth with its' roof ripped off. With me are two girls I know and one of the guys from work. The guy from work was explaining to me how someone we had to deal with was unreliable and we shouldn't really count on them. The girls were talking about girly things and occasionally gesturing in my direction and then either giggling or just out and out laughing at me. I wasn't sure what they were talking about but I'm sure it was about me and I'm sure it wasn't flattering. I can't stop looking at them, and despite myself (and despite the fact they're likely destroying me) I find myself smiling in their direction entirely too often. There's something flitting about high over our heads, but it seems normal to the others so I don't say anything. But it's got me sort of nervous. The girls keep talking, and I'm feeling overly protective so I keep moving closer to them and ask them to be quiet.. But the guy from work keeps talking too, and now I'm on the verge of panic. I tell him to shut the hell up, there's something out there and we don't want it to hear us. At that moment there's a loud noise in the distance and everyone goes dead quiet. We're sitting there straining to hear any sign of what it is lurking around in the darkness when a light flickers on from the floor of the phone booth clearly illuminating us for any monster to see. Something roars, the girls scream. I wake up myself, the last rattles of my own guttural screaming echoing in my ears.
Typical
My father is in the office today. Not because he has anything to do or needs to be here, but because his wife is a pain in the ass and he simply needed to get out of the house. He's currently on the phone with all sorts of utility and service providers from Florida arguing his heart out to try and get them to reverse charges made while he was away. He likes to leave his utilities regular, his TV, internet, and phone services all on while he's gone. It makes sense they shift him to a vacation rate for the six months he's up here and when he goes back they just click it over to regular. He saves a little money and avoids the hassle of getting everything set-up again when he gets down there. He can afford it, so it's not really a big deal. Except it's been a year since he's been gone from Florida, he never went back this year. They only shift rates for six months. Which means for the last six months the put him back to the regular rate. He's ok with this. He can afford it, it still makes his life easier, and he knew they would do this. Problem is his wife is not ok with it and she's up his ass to try and change it. You can't fight the power company, they're the only game in town. This man is going to try though. I've been sitting here for the last hour listening to him argue with full conviction about something he neither believes is right or really cares about one way or the other...and I've come to a not so shocking conclusion. If the 70 year old multi-millionaire can spend an hour arguing about $60 that he neither actually believes he is entitled to or actually cares whether or not he gets, is there really any chance I can win in the end?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
In Defense of Desiring Normalcy
You'd think that since it was something of a seminal moment in my week I'd actually have some recollection of what it was...but I don't. Instead I have a fleeting memory of a feeling that I can't quite wrap my head around and will likely never be able to explain to anyone else. Trust me, last night I tried.
Most of the time my life is like me, an amorphous blob. The world throws shit at it and it changes shape to deal with that shit. My life is what it is and in lots of ways it still is what it always has been...it's just better than it used to be.
I don't really have the structure most people have in their life, the plan. Most of the time I don't want anything so I try not to waste my time figuring out exactly what it is I don't want. But it gets tougher. You can get so god damn lonely if you don't watch yourself, but it's just a weird sort of lonely when there is always so much going on. I run with a couple of different crowds, have enough regular haunts that there's always something going on, and have enough work always needing to be done that a few extra hours in the office are almost always productive. The kids live right up the street, my house always needs to be cleaned, and I've got enough dvds, video games, and books to keep me fairly entertained. I've also got a treadmill that is constantly in need of use. But I don't have what other people have...and I don't really know if I ever will.
So a brief second of normalcy flashing before my eyes got me thinking, and as it unfortunately so often does thinking got me talking, and then talking got me thinking some more and next thing you know I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom staring up at the ceiling for six hours on a Saturday afternoon...and I don't even really know why. And it sort of dawned on me that what had been a fairly fantastic week was suddenly filled with heartache, and grief, and just a little bit of misery for no real reason at all.
So I got over it. Sort of.
My life can be described as a lot of things. Boring. Ordinary. Lacking. But never normal...it's never been normal. And that had never really bothered me. You can't miss what you've never had, right? But somewhere near the middle of this fairly pleasant week in that brief moment somewhere halfway between a queer little smile and wide toothy grin it hit me.
I felt normal.
And I liked it.
I fucking liked it.
Shit.
What do I do now?
Most of the time my life is like me, an amorphous blob. The world throws shit at it and it changes shape to deal with that shit. My life is what it is and in lots of ways it still is what it always has been...it's just better than it used to be.
I don't really have the structure most people have in their life, the plan. Most of the time I don't want anything so I try not to waste my time figuring out exactly what it is I don't want. But it gets tougher. You can get so god damn lonely if you don't watch yourself, but it's just a weird sort of lonely when there is always so much going on. I run with a couple of different crowds, have enough regular haunts that there's always something going on, and have enough work always needing to be done that a few extra hours in the office are almost always productive. The kids live right up the street, my house always needs to be cleaned, and I've got enough dvds, video games, and books to keep me fairly entertained. I've also got a treadmill that is constantly in need of use. But I don't have what other people have...and I don't really know if I ever will.
So a brief second of normalcy flashing before my eyes got me thinking, and as it unfortunately so often does thinking got me talking, and then talking got me thinking some more and next thing you know I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom staring up at the ceiling for six hours on a Saturday afternoon...and I don't even really know why. And it sort of dawned on me that what had been a fairly fantastic week was suddenly filled with heartache, and grief, and just a little bit of misery for no real reason at all.
So I got over it. Sort of.
My life can be described as a lot of things. Boring. Ordinary. Lacking. But never normal...it's never been normal. And that had never really bothered me. You can't miss what you've never had, right? But somewhere near the middle of this fairly pleasant week in that brief moment somewhere halfway between a queer little smile and wide toothy grin it hit me.
I felt normal.
And I liked it.
I fucking liked it.
Shit.
What do I do now?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Death, Doors, and A Little Bit of Languor
I really need a drink.
I think I'm sad. I know I'm tired.
I'd say that I can't put into words how I'm feeling right now but that wouldn't really be true, or fair. I can put words to these feelings...I just don't like the words very much.
I don't quite know how, but I've had a good time these past few days. None of it should have been any good, none of it should have been remotely enjoyable...but it was.
Friday night I went to see Transformers with some of the guys. It was just as shitty in IMax as it was in the regular theater. But it meant I got to hang out with the guys who I haven't spent much time with lately. And we did our fair share of laughing. So it worked out. Saturday morning I was feeling sort of blah so I didn't do much, but Saturday afternoon I headed over to Nick's for a BBQ. It's a little weird for me now though. All the guys are married, some are popping out kids. The wives barely tolerate me or find me mildly amusing, a relic from their husbands previous lives. In too many ways I represent all the things they want their husbands to leave behind, so I certainly appreciate that they tolerate me at all. Everyone was going to see The Hangover but I bailed at the last minutes to hang out at Wizards. What can I say? I missed Jerry.
Sunday I took the kids to lunch and while we were eating I received an unfortunate phonecall. One of the women who worked for me for a very long time passed away. She was a loud, cranky, hilarious old woman who reminded me a lot of my grandmother. I'll miss having her around. Finding out that she had unexpectedly passed put me in quite a bad mood for the first time in a long time. It sort of cast a cloud over the rest of the day. Add to that the fact that one of my mechanics mother's passed over the weekend and I knew I had a week full of wakes and funerals to look forward to. See how that ruins a holiday weekend for you. Sunday night I was going to pay a visit to an old friend but changed my plans last minute to grab a bite to eat with Alyssa and hang out at Wizards. And just as an aside has anyone else noticed that whenever my plans change at the last minute lately I end up at Wizards?
Then yesterday I was totally in the doldrums. I was actually, no question about it, feeling depressed. There were a couple of things that went into that. The first and foremost being the loss of someone I was rather fond of. The second being that I feel like I've let a few people down lately. People are supposed to be able to count on me, when they can't, it hurts. There are also too many people I care a great deal about hurting right now, and there's nothing I can do for them. On top of that there's an elephant in the room that I'm just not sure what to do about. So mix that all together and there I am being depressed all by myself in my office on what could have been an otherwise pleasant Monday afternoon. So I booked.
I ended up at the Barnes and Noble in Paramus. I wasn't going to buy a book, I'm already reading two right now (although I seem to have misplaced Choke) but I did want to see if I could track down the new Criterion DVD of Last Year at Marienbad. When I got up to B&N I was still feeling pretty shitty. I almost just turned around to go back to the office to sulk by myself. But I figured I was already there so I headed in. When I get to the door there's this woman walking out and I hold the door for her. I see that she's got a little boy, maybe four years old with her, so I hold the door for him too. But he won't let me, he wants to hold the door for me. I don't know if he's big enough to hold the door, he's such a tiny little guy and it's such a big door. But he kind of gives me this look like "Don't argue with me" and leans into the door with his entire body so I say "Thank you very much" and walk into the bookstore. The kid is beaming from ear to ear. And now I'm smiling too. I've been in a slightly better mood ever since.
I'm feeling this sort of emptiness, a hollowness, a weakness inside of me. I've got that creeping feeling like I just might want something that I can't have, and I don't like not being entirely clear about it.
There are things that you can share in this life. And then there are the things you can never, ever tell anyone because the damage it could cause would far outweigh any good that could come from it. There's nothing wrong with keeping secrets, but they sure can eat you up inside.
I've alternated between trying too hard and not trying hard enough my entire life. I feel like I never found that balance. For too long I've done things that I wasn't entirely sure I should because I thought I was helping. I was trying to make everyone happy. I just wasn't good enough.
You can't be everything to everyone, but if you're lucky some day you'll be everything to someone. Everything else is just a warm up.
I know I've made mistakes, and I've watched others make mistakes, and there were things I could have or should have or would have done differently...but I didn't. And if I tried to do it all again I would probably do it wrong in all new sorts of ways. It's just how it is.
You can't undo what's already been done, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Mistakes are like men, they grow old and die. We can only hope to outlive them.
So tonight I'll either sit in my office alone watching an old Bunuel film, or I'll find someone to have a drink with, or I'll wander the earth trying to sort out what suddenly is going wrong in my head.
Either way I already know... I've got this.
But I'm sure that drink would help.
I think I'm sad. I know I'm tired.
I'd say that I can't put into words how I'm feeling right now but that wouldn't really be true, or fair. I can put words to these feelings...I just don't like the words very much.
I don't quite know how, but I've had a good time these past few days. None of it should have been any good, none of it should have been remotely enjoyable...but it was.
Friday night I went to see Transformers with some of the guys. It was just as shitty in IMax as it was in the regular theater. But it meant I got to hang out with the guys who I haven't spent much time with lately. And we did our fair share of laughing. So it worked out. Saturday morning I was feeling sort of blah so I didn't do much, but Saturday afternoon I headed over to Nick's for a BBQ. It's a little weird for me now though. All the guys are married, some are popping out kids. The wives barely tolerate me or find me mildly amusing, a relic from their husbands previous lives. In too many ways I represent all the things they want their husbands to leave behind, so I certainly appreciate that they tolerate me at all. Everyone was going to see The Hangover but I bailed at the last minutes to hang out at Wizards. What can I say? I missed Jerry.
Sunday I took the kids to lunch and while we were eating I received an unfortunate phonecall. One of the women who worked for me for a very long time passed away. She was a loud, cranky, hilarious old woman who reminded me a lot of my grandmother. I'll miss having her around. Finding out that she had unexpectedly passed put me in quite a bad mood for the first time in a long time. It sort of cast a cloud over the rest of the day. Add to that the fact that one of my mechanics mother's passed over the weekend and I knew I had a week full of wakes and funerals to look forward to. See how that ruins a holiday weekend for you. Sunday night I was going to pay a visit to an old friend but changed my plans last minute to grab a bite to eat with Alyssa and hang out at Wizards. And just as an aside has anyone else noticed that whenever my plans change at the last minute lately I end up at Wizards?
Then yesterday I was totally in the doldrums. I was actually, no question about it, feeling depressed. There were a couple of things that went into that. The first and foremost being the loss of someone I was rather fond of. The second being that I feel like I've let a few people down lately. People are supposed to be able to count on me, when they can't, it hurts. There are also too many people I care a great deal about hurting right now, and there's nothing I can do for them. On top of that there's an elephant in the room that I'm just not sure what to do about. So mix that all together and there I am being depressed all by myself in my office on what could have been an otherwise pleasant Monday afternoon. So I booked.
I ended up at the Barnes and Noble in Paramus. I wasn't going to buy a book, I'm already reading two right now (although I seem to have misplaced Choke) but I did want to see if I could track down the new Criterion DVD of Last Year at Marienbad. When I got up to B&N I was still feeling pretty shitty. I almost just turned around to go back to the office to sulk by myself. But I figured I was already there so I headed in. When I get to the door there's this woman walking out and I hold the door for her. I see that she's got a little boy, maybe four years old with her, so I hold the door for him too. But he won't let me, he wants to hold the door for me. I don't know if he's big enough to hold the door, he's such a tiny little guy and it's such a big door. But he kind of gives me this look like "Don't argue with me" and leans into the door with his entire body so I say "Thank you very much" and walk into the bookstore. The kid is beaming from ear to ear. And now I'm smiling too. I've been in a slightly better mood ever since.
I'm feeling this sort of emptiness, a hollowness, a weakness inside of me. I've got that creeping feeling like I just might want something that I can't have, and I don't like not being entirely clear about it.
There are things that you can share in this life. And then there are the things you can never, ever tell anyone because the damage it could cause would far outweigh any good that could come from it. There's nothing wrong with keeping secrets, but they sure can eat you up inside.
I've alternated between trying too hard and not trying hard enough my entire life. I feel like I never found that balance. For too long I've done things that I wasn't entirely sure I should because I thought I was helping. I was trying to make everyone happy. I just wasn't good enough.
You can't be everything to everyone, but if you're lucky some day you'll be everything to someone. Everything else is just a warm up.
I know I've made mistakes, and I've watched others make mistakes, and there were things I could have or should have or would have done differently...but I didn't. And if I tried to do it all again I would probably do it wrong in all new sorts of ways. It's just how it is.
You can't undo what's already been done, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Mistakes are like men, they grow old and die. We can only hope to outlive them.
So tonight I'll either sit in my office alone watching an old Bunuel film, or I'll find someone to have a drink with, or I'll wander the earth trying to sort out what suddenly is going wrong in my head.
Either way I already know... I've got this.
But I'm sure that drink would help.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Hello Again...
Hi there.
I know, I've been away for a bit. Not normal of me lately to go so long without posting. But it is what it is. I did write parts of one really fantastic post I think. But it wasn't quite ready, it wasn't quite finished. And now it's turned into something of a manifesto and I intend to keep working on it because it was the first thing in quite awhile that I was actually proud of writing.
The last few weeks have been, at the very least, interesting. Not a lot has happened, but enough has happened to keep me busy. I've sort of enjoyed them. I've had some wicked dreams these past few days as well, and that doesn't necessarily bode well for the near future. But we'll ride it out like we always do and just see what happens.
So what brings me back today of all days?
Well first off it's absolutely dead in the office. We have to be here because we still have buses running, but we're as ready as we can be for the start of things Monday. So I've got some time.
Second, I'm feeling pretty good today after a few days where I feel like I could have gone either way. So that's a pretty big plus. This weekend could be great or it could be disastrous, but I feel like I'm totally prepared to find out either way.
And finally, I just sort of missed writing here. So let me catch you up with what's been going on in my life lately. As if you gave a shit.
I was just coming off a stretch of dealing with some tricky situations. One I had decided how to deal with and was sticking strong to that course of action, another I was Machiavelli-ing in ways only I can but still not totally confident that it was going to go my way, and the third I was just sort of ignoring and hoping that would buy me some time to figure out a way for it to end well...or not end at all. None of it was the end of the world. But it sure as hell felt that way. So I'm coming off this stretch...and things got weirder.
Let me drop a few semi-crucial scene setting elements for you before I get going. First, anyone that knows me knows that for the last two years or so the ways I've balanced myself using scotch, comic books, and Eastern European go-go dancers. Judge away. If it wasn't for Glenlivet, Dark Horse Comics, and a pretty cute Moldovan chick I might not still be here right now. But in the past few months I've pretty much cut two of those three things out of my weekly routine. I've been in go-go bars more than your average person (once a month maybe?) and certainly read more comics than your average 28 year old (Come on, they put out two The Goon trade paperbacks in two months ,what was I supposed to do?) but the time dedicated to either one of those pursuits is a fraction of what it was seven or eight months ago. The reason? I just don't need either one of those things as much as I did seven or eight months ago. I still like to pay a visit to an old friend whenever I can, and I've still got a slow trickle of pre-ordered statues coming in (including my commission which just arrived) but it just seems like the joy I needed to draw from those things a year ago at this time isn't necessary right this second, and so they recede into a more tertiary position in my life. So I don't get to chatter incessantly and excitedly about doing shots with a half dozen nineteen year old Russian chicks, or the really nifty light up Iron Man statue I just got, or the fact that there are comics that mix things like God, assasins, and Irish Vampires. It doesn't mean I take less joy in any of these things (how can you take less joy from Iron Man and/or Russian chicks?) it just means I'm probably going to talk about it less. Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, not drinking in a go-go bar with an Iron Man statue. Actually I was at an all girls catholic school sitting in a class talking about not fucking kids. How's that for a transition? So last Thursday if I've got my timing correct a bunch of us church like types had to go to this keeping children safe thing so that we can continue being church like types and not pediophiles by default. We reacted to that exactly like you think we'd react to that. But we went anyway. Afterwards we grabbed a bite to eat and then after that we went and saw Transformers, which was pretty horrible. Then everything sort of went dark. Friday night I hung out with my little brother and sister. Saturday I was at my mom's house for a bit and then Sunday was mostly a blur. Monday I was working when Kevin, Al, and Alyssa stopped by to hang out for a bit. Tuesday is another blur. Wednesday night I grabbed dinner with Adge, then went to the Open Youth Room, then went to see Public Enenmies with Adge, Alyssa, Kevin, Al, and Boyle #2. The movie was pretty good, but definitely not great. It was weird though because on the way out we noticed that one of the actors from the movie had been sitting in the theater watching it with us. Last night I stopped by my mom's house for a minute to see my aunt, stopped by Rivara's for a drink with Tim, my father, and the guys from work, and then headed over to Wizards for a few drinks with Collette and Fish who was there with so many people I thought Jerry was going quit and stop serving drinks. It was a fun night. Tonight I'm going up to Palisades to see Transformers in IMAX with Jere, House, and Nate. I know what you're thinking, I thought the movie was horrible. But maybe it will be better when it's bigger and the seats are less comfortable. Probably not. But maybe.
Anyway...we'll see how the next few days go. See what sort of mood it leaves me in. I've got to sit down next week and take a long hard look at my financial situation, and my health, and my life in general. Maybe I'll do that Wednesday. Right after lunch. Maybe not. I don't know.
But I do know I have to do it sometime. And it should probably be soon. I'm getting worse even if I'm feeling better, and I really need to do something about that.
So a little bit of hello again, and a little bit of goodbye. But mostly just see you soon. Would I lie?
I know, I've been away for a bit. Not normal of me lately to go so long without posting. But it is what it is. I did write parts of one really fantastic post I think. But it wasn't quite ready, it wasn't quite finished. And now it's turned into something of a manifesto and I intend to keep working on it because it was the first thing in quite awhile that I was actually proud of writing.
The last few weeks have been, at the very least, interesting. Not a lot has happened, but enough has happened to keep me busy. I've sort of enjoyed them. I've had some wicked dreams these past few days as well, and that doesn't necessarily bode well for the near future. But we'll ride it out like we always do and just see what happens.
So what brings me back today of all days?
Well first off it's absolutely dead in the office. We have to be here because we still have buses running, but we're as ready as we can be for the start of things Monday. So I've got some time.
Second, I'm feeling pretty good today after a few days where I feel like I could have gone either way. So that's a pretty big plus. This weekend could be great or it could be disastrous, but I feel like I'm totally prepared to find out either way.
And finally, I just sort of missed writing here. So let me catch you up with what's been going on in my life lately. As if you gave a shit.
I was just coming off a stretch of dealing with some tricky situations. One I had decided how to deal with and was sticking strong to that course of action, another I was Machiavelli-ing in ways only I can but still not totally confident that it was going to go my way, and the third I was just sort of ignoring and hoping that would buy me some time to figure out a way for it to end well...or not end at all. None of it was the end of the world. But it sure as hell felt that way. So I'm coming off this stretch...and things got weirder.
Let me drop a few semi-crucial scene setting elements for you before I get going. First, anyone that knows me knows that for the last two years or so the ways I've balanced myself using scotch, comic books, and Eastern European go-go dancers. Judge away. If it wasn't for Glenlivet, Dark Horse Comics, and a pretty cute Moldovan chick I might not still be here right now. But in the past few months I've pretty much cut two of those three things out of my weekly routine. I've been in go-go bars more than your average person (once a month maybe?) and certainly read more comics than your average 28 year old (Come on, they put out two The Goon trade paperbacks in two months ,what was I supposed to do?) but the time dedicated to either one of those pursuits is a fraction of what it was seven or eight months ago. The reason? I just don't need either one of those things as much as I did seven or eight months ago. I still like to pay a visit to an old friend whenever I can, and I've still got a slow trickle of pre-ordered statues coming in (including my commission which just arrived) but it just seems like the joy I needed to draw from those things a year ago at this time isn't necessary right this second, and so they recede into a more tertiary position in my life. So I don't get to chatter incessantly and excitedly about doing shots with a half dozen nineteen year old Russian chicks, or the really nifty light up Iron Man statue I just got, or the fact that there are comics that mix things like God, assasins, and Irish Vampires. It doesn't mean I take less joy in any of these things (how can you take less joy from Iron Man and/or Russian chicks?) it just means I'm probably going to talk about it less. Anyway, where was I?
Oh yeah, not drinking in a go-go bar with an Iron Man statue. Actually I was at an all girls catholic school sitting in a class talking about not fucking kids. How's that for a transition? So last Thursday if I've got my timing correct a bunch of us church like types had to go to this keeping children safe thing so that we can continue being church like types and not pediophiles by default. We reacted to that exactly like you think we'd react to that. But we went anyway. Afterwards we grabbed a bite to eat and then after that we went and saw Transformers, which was pretty horrible. Then everything sort of went dark. Friday night I hung out with my little brother and sister. Saturday I was at my mom's house for a bit and then Sunday was mostly a blur. Monday I was working when Kevin, Al, and Alyssa stopped by to hang out for a bit. Tuesday is another blur. Wednesday night I grabbed dinner with Adge, then went to the Open Youth Room, then went to see Public Enenmies with Adge, Alyssa, Kevin, Al, and Boyle #2. The movie was pretty good, but definitely not great. It was weird though because on the way out we noticed that one of the actors from the movie had been sitting in the theater watching it with us. Last night I stopped by my mom's house for a minute to see my aunt, stopped by Rivara's for a drink with Tim, my father, and the guys from work, and then headed over to Wizards for a few drinks with Collette and Fish who was there with so many people I thought Jerry was going quit and stop serving drinks. It was a fun night. Tonight I'm going up to Palisades to see Transformers in IMAX with Jere, House, and Nate. I know what you're thinking, I thought the movie was horrible. But maybe it will be better when it's bigger and the seats are less comfortable. Probably not. But maybe.
Anyway...we'll see how the next few days go. See what sort of mood it leaves me in. I've got to sit down next week and take a long hard look at my financial situation, and my health, and my life in general. Maybe I'll do that Wednesday. Right after lunch. Maybe not. I don't know.
But I do know I have to do it sometime. And it should probably be soon. I'm getting worse even if I'm feeling better, and I really need to do something about that.
So a little bit of hello again, and a little bit of goodbye. But mostly just see you soon. Would I lie?
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