Death, Doors, and A Little Bit of Languor

I really need a drink.

I think I'm sad. I know I'm tired.

I'd say that I can't put into words how I'm feeling right now but that wouldn't really be true, or fair. I can put words to these feelings...I just don't like the words very much.

I don't quite know how, but I've had a good time these past few days. None of it should have been any good, none of it should have been remotely enjoyable...but it was.

Friday night I went to see Transformers with some of the guys. It was just as shitty in IMax as it was in the regular theater. But it meant I got to hang out with the guys who I haven't spent much time with lately. And we did our fair share of laughing. So it worked out. Saturday morning I was feeling sort of blah so I didn't do much, but Saturday afternoon I headed over to Nick's for a BBQ. It's a little weird for me now though. All the guys are married, some are popping out kids. The wives barely tolerate me or find me mildly amusing, a relic from their husbands previous lives. In too many ways I represent all the things they want their husbands to leave behind, so I certainly appreciate that they tolerate me at all. Everyone was going to see The Hangover but I bailed at the last minutes to hang out at Wizards. What can I say? I missed Jerry.

Sunday I took the kids to lunch and while we were eating I received an unfortunate phonecall. One of the women who worked for me for a very long time passed away. She was a loud, cranky, hilarious old woman who reminded me a lot of my grandmother. I'll miss having her around. Finding out that she had unexpectedly passed put me in quite a bad mood for the first time in a long time. It sort of cast a cloud over the rest of the day. Add to that the fact that one of my mechanics mother's passed over the weekend and I knew I had a week full of wakes and funerals to look forward to. See how that ruins a holiday weekend for you. Sunday night I was going to pay a visit to an old friend but changed my plans last minute to grab a bite to eat with Alyssa and hang out at Wizards. And just as an aside has anyone else noticed that whenever my plans change at the last minute lately I end up at Wizards?

Then yesterday I was totally in the doldrums. I was actually, no question about it, feeling depressed. There were a couple of things that went into that. The first and foremost being the loss of someone I was rather fond of. The second being that I feel like I've let a few people down lately. People are supposed to be able to count on me, when they can't, it hurts. There are also too many people I care a great deal about hurting right now, and there's nothing I can do for them. On top of that there's an elephant in the room that I'm just not sure what to do about. So mix that all together and there I am being depressed all by myself in my office on what could have been an otherwise pleasant Monday afternoon. So I booked.

I ended up at the Barnes and Noble in Paramus. I wasn't going to buy a book, I'm already reading two right now (although I seem to have misplaced Choke) but I did want to see if I could track down the new Criterion DVD of Last Year at Marienbad. When I got up to B&N I was still feeling pretty shitty. I almost just turned around to go back to the office to sulk by myself. But I figured I was already there so I headed in. When I get to the door there's this woman walking out and I hold the door for her. I see that she's got a little boy, maybe four years old with her, so I hold the door for him too. But he won't let me, he wants to hold the door for me. I don't know if he's big enough to hold the door, he's such a tiny little guy and it's such a big door. But he kind of gives me this look like "Don't argue with me" and leans into the door with his entire body so I say "Thank you very much" and walk into the bookstore. The kid is beaming from ear to ear. And now I'm smiling too. I've been in a slightly better mood ever since.

I'm feeling this sort of emptiness, a hollowness, a weakness inside of me. I've got that creeping feeling like I just might want something that I can't have, and I don't like not being entirely clear about it.

There are things that you can share in this life. And then there are the things you can never, ever tell anyone because the damage it could cause would far outweigh any good that could come from it. There's nothing wrong with keeping secrets, but they sure can eat you up inside.

I've alternated between trying too hard and not trying hard enough my entire life. I feel like I never found that balance. For too long I've done things that I wasn't entirely sure I should because I thought I was helping. I was trying to make everyone happy. I just wasn't good enough.

You can't be everything to everyone, but if you're lucky some day you'll be everything to someone. Everything else is just a warm up.

I know I've made mistakes, and I've watched others make mistakes, and there were things I could have or should have or would have done differently...but I didn't. And if I tried to do it all again I would probably do it wrong in all new sorts of ways. It's just how it is.

You can't undo what's already been done, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Mistakes are like men, they grow old and die. We can only hope to outlive them.

So tonight I'll either sit in my office alone watching an old Bunuel film, or I'll find someone to have a drink with, or I'll wander the earth trying to sort out what suddenly is going wrong in my head.

Either way I already know... I've got this.

But I'm sure that drink would help.