Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

"Not dead, eh? Bit surprised I admit. Spot of luck on your part don't you think?"- T.O. Hob

I love it when this happens. When I get that moment of calm and I can look back and say, "Boy was that a close one." or "Thought they had me there for a second." or "Holy shit, how the hell did I survive that?"

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling so good right now. I haven't seen my friends in weeks, I sort of wish I had an Antioch meeting to go to tonight, and I didn't even get around to seeing an "old friend" last night. Everything seems to be going rather shitty actually. But...

See...here's the thing. No really, this is it. Seriously. I...uh...none of this makes any sense. I don't make any sense. I really don't think I'm supposed to be here. I don't think I'm supposed to be anywhere. I'm not entirely sure what I am. I just know...I'm hanging in there.

So yeah...things are good. For the moment. And in ten minutes when I "decide" everything is all fucked up again I'll just wait an hour or so till things seem like they're good again. And then I'll continue on my way as I always do. Fully recognizing the madness of it all but not really giving a fuck.

I don't know how to just be sad. I don't know how to just be lonely. I've got to be crazy or none of it seems to shake out for me. I know exactly how good I have it. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I know exactly how far from where I want to be I am. And in five minutes I'll have wandered so far from the place I figured this all out it that I'll have lost it all and be left sitting wherever I am thinking "What just happened?"

It's weird. I'm weird. But...I'm ok.

Ain't that some shit?

I suppose it won't last all that long, but I'll take what I can get when I can get it. And right now this is about as much as I could possibly ask for.

So for a bit, just for a bit, I'm going to calm down long enough to actually be whatever it is that I'm calling me right now. And I hope I'll enjoy trying to be sane as much as I enjoy trying to be crazy.

Fuckity Frig Frig Fuck

Aight...so, the story ain't going all that well. I mean I've got my characters, I know what the story is about, I know what happens at the beginning of the story, most of what happens in the middle, and some of what happens at the end. But it seems like too much of it is too close to too many other people's stories. And it seems like the style I had in my head isn't quite working out. Too much pronoun confusion, too much confusion about what's going on. When I lose track of who is doing what in Chapter 1 you know I need to think about it more. So that's what I'm going to do, stop and think about it more for a bit.

I've also just been sketching out another story idea that I'll probably never get to but I sort of like so maybe I'll do a bit of that here too.


I forgot my cellphone at home when I went by my dad's earlier today so I missed an early call from one of the guys which may have turned into something to do tonight and I missed an "old friend's" first call and message and by the time I got it I figured it was too late to stop by. So instead I'm sitting here in my office just short of midnight listening to The Pogues, drinking cheap scotch, wondering why one of my driver's is wandering around the lot in the middle of the night, and wishing I'd done something with tonight.

But all in all not being too disappointed with the fact that I haven't.

Odd.

Fantasy & Wraith: Introduction - Same To You

"Sir I can not sit next to her."

"Why not?"

"Because I have already become bar mitzvah, and it would be inappropriate for me to sit so close to her."

"It's a short ride kid, you really want me to rearrange everyone's seats on this bus so you don't have to sit next to that girl?"

"You would not understand. I am a man now. It would be inappropriate."

"Kid if sitting next to that pretty little girl ain't going to cause you to burst into flames or shoot a dreidel out your ass then you damn well better sit down before we have a problem."

"I will have to speak to Rabbi about you."

"Can Rabbi talk to dead people?"

"No."

"Then take a hint and sit down."

"Uh...yes sir."

Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas. Last night I went to midnight mass and as pleased as I was to see quite a few of the old team there I was a little disappointed about how many people were there overall, and a little disappointed in some of the faces I didn't see. Such is life.

It's going to be interesting to see how I deal with the next few weeks. I'll turn twenty-eight a week from Sunday. Never thought I'd make it that far, although I guess I'm assuming I still have a week and a half left in me. I'm pulling out of the funk a bit and have decided it's time to go over a couple of things before I can drop back in to it.

Hence Fantasy & Wraith, the ten chapter story I'll be telling from now through the new year and my birthday. One chapter a day. We'll see how that goes.

Either way...after being stuck in the office for a few hours I'm heading home, but before I do I'll leave you with a crappy Christmas Poem...

All the maybe's and should'ves the probably's and could'ves
all these things left behind with no pain or remorse.

The holiday bells ringing, the fair young girls singing,
all songs of tomorrow no memories or worse.

All the drinks we be drinking, the shit we be slinging,
all happy and jolly no worries no fears.

The gifts all been boughten, ours sins all forgotten,
It's all merry merry 'cuz Christmas is here...


"Thank you, and have a Merry Christmas."

"I love you, and I always have, and it's killed me never being able to tell you. And I'm not hoping for a Christmas Miracle or nothin' like that. I just wanted you to know that I think you're just about the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life and I can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try."

"I said have a Merry Christmas."

"Uh...yeah. Same to you."

Fantasy & Wraith: Prelude

It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

x

Got on a lucky one
Came in at ten to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So Happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells are ringing out
For Christmas Day

-from "Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues

Atonement

Past sins put behind me.

New ones laid ahead.

Are we ready for the fight?

My Name Is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare To Die...

"I'm not one to question which way the wind blows, but you've got to admit there's been a whole lot of 'You've gotta fucking be kidding me' going around this weekend."

I'm not sure why exactly this weekend ended up being a good one. For pretty much every reason I come up with for this having been a great one I can come up with at least two for it being shit. But still somehow sitting here at my desk in my office just shy of 8 o'clock on the Sunday before Christmas I can confidently say that I'll be marking a notch in the "win" column of the ridiculous score board that is my life.

Friday night I went by my mom's house and we all watched The Dark Knight. That's it. Nothing else. Just watched a movie. And it was great.

Saturday I literally played video games and scratched my balls all day long, and by the time the sunset I was in a better mood than I'd been in weeks.

Saturday night I was just getting ready to say fuck it and go to sleep early when I missed a phone call from an "old friend" I hadn't talked to in a few weeks. Seeing as we hadn't talked I didn't plan on paying a visit but still felt invigorated enough to make a run down to the office and then another out to Barnes and Nobles where the following went horribly wrong.

I grabbed a few random Christmas gifts for the kids (Twilight books for my sister, a stuffed teddy bear) and a few things to make a folder for one of the church kids (a Dungeons and Dragons calendar, some magazines to cut magic and video game pictures out of) and headed up on line. So the girl who ends up ringing me up is probably 20 years old or so, kind of cute, looks frazzled from a long Christmas shopper type day. She starts scanning my stuff. Twilight books? She gives me an odd look. Dungeons and Dragons Calendar? Another odd look, but she's sort of smiling too. Teddy Bear? Now she's pretty much on the verge of laughing at me which is cool. So she's ringing up the magazines and she gets to the last one, I thought it was a video game magazine. There's no bar code on the side I had looked at, so she turns it over...and stops smiling. And now I see what she sees. One the side with a bar code is a scantily clad woman with the words "See Me and My Friends Naked" written next to her. Yeah...I inadvertently bought porn at Barnes and Nobles. I'm about to defend myself when my phone rings, and I'm distracted. But now it's sort of pointless to say anything. It would seem disingenuous to try and explain to the counter girl why you didn't intend to buy porn in Barnes and Nobles when you're chatting on your cellphone with a go-go dancer.

I swear this shit only happens to me.

So by the time the night ended I was sitting at the desk in my office at three in the morning hacking at a book about dragons with a pocket knife and attempting to find a picture of a giant bowl of mashed potatoes.

How many other people can say that about their Saturday nights?

This afternoon we bumped up the Antioch meeting so we were done and on our way by half past three. We headed out to TGI Friday's for a later lunch/early dinner and by the time I'd dropped everyone off it wasn't even six o'clock. It was a weird meeting and a weird meal afterwards, but somehow it was still fun. Everyone seemed sort of tired, sort of drained. I guess everyone's just exhausted from getting ready for the holidays.

So now it's only eight o'clock, there's nothing good on tv, and I'm oddly exhausted. So I'm going to head home, read a bit, and get to bed early tonight.

All things considered it was a pretty solid weekend.

My only regret is that we didn't make a run at Palisades on Friday.

Oh well.

Another time. Definitely another time.

'Night All.

Moments

Moment: Spending 45 minutes staring in a filthy bathroom mirror thinking, "Am I going bald? Nah. Wait...am I going bald?"

Moment: Sitting around in my underwear playing video games for three straight hours while drinking bourbon straight from the bottle and eating Ramen noodles then realizing that was exactly what I spent five years in college doing.

Moment: Inadvertently buying porn at Barnes & Noble

Moment: Realizing I don't know half as much about a person as I should before I decide whether or not they're a good person, and then deciding I don't give a fuck, I like them anyway.

Moment: Finding out she can sing.

Moment: Driving through downtown Paterson at two in the morning with the windows down in the freezing cold blasting The Pogues.

Not a bad night after all, eh?

Visions of The Alter-World

Last night I had the oddest dream.

There's this school in the Alter-World, it's like the building I went to grade school in (which isn't there anymore by the way) but it seems infinitely bigger.

So I'm sitting in this classroom which reminds me of a recitation course I had my last semester of college, there isn't a teacher, but there's a voice coming from what seems like the front of the room. I'm ignoring it. Instead I'm staring at this girl a few rows in front of me (and one to the left) and wondering if I know her from somewhere and just can't place it or if she's one of the imaginary strangers the gods of the AW throw at me just to keep me on my toes.

I'm suddenly distracted. There's a table in the hallway outside the room, it looks like it's right across from the men's room. There's this guy I went to grade school with and run into every now and then sitting on the table. He's talking to this girl I know. He shouldn't be talking to this girl. I know him. I know he's trouble and I know she doesn't know any better and suddenly I'm feeling rather big brotherly and shaking loose from the idea that I'm stuck in some perpetual high school class that's main purpose seems to be me gawking at some fantasy girl sitting a few rows in front of me (and one to the left). I've snapped out of it. I'm up and moving.

It's about now that I get confused. I knew all along where I was, but there was that haze clouding my mind telling me that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing even though deep down I knew it wasn't. But now I'm standing in the hallway, there are these guys I know on the stairway staring down at this girl talking to this guy, I growl and they scurry away. I'm about to step between the girl and the guy when I suddenly doubt that this is a dream. What if somehow I'm not in the alter-world? What if I'm in the real world and I've just lost the plot altogether? I wouldn't think twice about bashing this guy's skull in either way (even though we've always got along) but I'm really nothing to this girl. I have no right to interfere with what's going on either way. We barely know each other, we're almost strangers. But I still feel like I should do...something.

Why am I wearing a hooded sweatshirt?

Something is wrong. So I veer off at the last minute and head into the men's room.

My high school history teacher is there. So are a few old friends, and some random people I've met throughout my life. At least one guy is a television actor but I can't tell if it's the actor or the character he plays on the show so I avoid him as much as possible.

Bathrooms in the Alter-World are always huge, they always have showers even if they're in restaurants or schools or train stations. They always seem more like saunas then bathrooms. They often have multiple sections. I'm standing in the middle of this one dripping wet with sweat and ankle deep in dirty water laughing at a joke told by a man with a monocle and a smoking pipe when I snap back to the realization that there's no way this is real because even for me it's just too freaking weird. So I run out into the hallway to grab this girl, tell her how important she is, and tell her that she needs to get away from this dirtbag before someone gets hurt.

But she's gone, and now standing at the table is one of my oldest friends who I rarely ever see and have always felt guilty about not hanging out with more. But instead of catching up I grab him by the shoulders and ask where the girl has gone. He points towards the classroom I had just been in, but instead of a classroom it's an exit now, and as I make a mad dash for it I feel very very young for the first time ever.

I burst through the door and out into the snow (it wasn't snowing a minute ago), but they're nowhere to be seen. I stop and scream her name, ready to fall to my knees, let the dream end and go back to whatever else I would have been doing. But I can't, they won't let me. And suddenly I can see him dragging her through a sunny field not far in the distance. It looks warm and inviting, they're wearing summer clothes. Where I'm standing it's freezing and the snow is quickly growing heavier. I close me eyes and...

I blip into the field right next to them and somehow bring the snow with me. I grab her arm and pull her from his grasp. The look of confusion on his face either says "I know you, but from where?" or "How the hell did you get here?"

I step between the two of them and he seems to grow in height. I'm thinking, "What the fuck?" But before I can tell her to turn and run he attacks, knocking me to the ground. He heads for her. I struggle back to my feet and unleash a surge of energy that slows him down just enough for me to get a hand on him. I spin him around, grab him with both hands, and toss him high into the sky. He doesn't come back down.

She crying, she looks so cold.

I hold her tight to me to keep her warm and say, "I..."

And as my voice falters I have nothing more to say, because I know that even in a made-up world what I would have said next wouldn't have been true.

I hold her and simply tell her not to cry.

We stand there as the warm sun beats down on us and the snow turns into a slow rain and I wonder why even the Alter-World has chosen to fuck with me on this otherwise quiet day.

The Lash

I won't discuss in any great detail the mistakes I made the other night. Not because I'm ashamed, not because I did anything horribly wrong, not because I don't want to, but because I'm not entirely sure why things played out like they did. And I am entirely sure that I don't like it.

The good news is that going in the hole like that was a hell of a lot more fun than I expected it to be and that all things considered it could have ended a hell of a lot worse then it did.\

So I guess I'm lucky.

I was sort of expecting a certain phonecall tonight and as of right now I haven't gotten it. That's good for a few reasons and bad for a few more.

I don't have any clean clothes and my basement is still a mess so I'll be heading up to my mom's shortly to do a load of laundry. Little Sister isn't doing a great job with her dog walking job, but I'm sure she'll catch on. The Rookie swears he'll do it if she can't, but I'm not sure he's ready yet either.

Christmas is exactly a week away. I have no idea what I'm doing for the holiday yet, I haven't gotten anyone gifts yet, and truth is I'm not really looking forward to it all that much. I liked the holidays better when everyone was around, since my grandparents passed it's just not as interesting to me as it was. By this point in there lives most people have their own families to spend the holidays with, they replace the people that you've lost along the way in a way. I don't have that. Maybe I never will. I don't know.

The Antioch Team is going to find out in the next few weeks whether we're ready or not, we'll have a better idea if this is all starting to form together or if it's all about to fall apart. They're good kids. I'm sure they'll be fine.

I'm reading The Walking Dead and then I've read pretty much all the comics I intended to read, and then some. I'm not sure when new comic day is next week, so I don't know if I'll be getting anything. I'll be finished with The Walking Dead tonight and then I'm kind of hoping the people at the comic shop will point me in the direction of something interesting. It's only been a year since I started reading comics and I'd hate to think I've already read most of what's worth reading. So we'll see what happens next.

I've also slipped out of one funk and into another. Sometimes when I feel the way I feel now it's because I'm not right with some people. Then I usually have to get square with them or just get over it. This time I'm afraid it's a little different. I'm already alright with most people I figure, and now I'm wondering if that's half the problem.

I just don't know.

And I'm afrad I haven't made any sense at all here. So I'm going to hightail it home and try and get sorted.

Or maybe just wait for a phonecall I know ain't coming.

I am stunned by the possibility that I can not control this. I am terrified by the possibility that I can.

Pang

Sometimes it seems so tough

Good friends are not enough

And I'm powerless to help

When you take it all upon yourself

x

Twenty Four hours too late I sit alone in a dingy chinese restaurant, stare out the window, and think, "What the hell did I just do?"

x

Feels like you just can't win

The whole wide world is closing in

And it's so hard not to think the worse

When you're the centre of the universe

x

The thick metal door clangs shut leaving me alone in the darkness and for the first time I wonder if I'm as dangerous as they think I am.

x

I see you struggling with the weight of the world

Remember I'm always by your side

Too many problems for one little girl

I'll be beside you when all your tears have dried

x

Each blow hits me harder than the one before and I suddenly feel more vulnerable than I thought possible.

x

I lay next to you at night

I know something's just not right

But there's nothing I can say

When you feel ten thousand miles away

x

The dark view of the destruction I have caused stuns me into silence and brings back cold memories of the wreckage I've already left behind.

x

I don't have all the answers yet

But I get scared when you're upset

And your heart feels like an empty home

When you feel so scared and all alone

x

Terror beats at my soul as I stand on the brink of ultimate disgrace and I realize...this can't end well.

x

Think everybody's talking about you

And conspiring to bring you down

You're thinking that nobody loves you

Ever wonder why I'm still around?

x

from "One for the Braves" by Good Riddance

Kaboom

"What's the matter Otto?"

"I'm having a hard time filling out this medical disclosure for this new dating service Lazzy."

"Maybe I can help."

"That would be great Laz."

"So where are you having a problem?"

"How exactly do you spell gonnorhea?"
~
"How much have you had to drink?"

"More than a little, less than...what's that one that's more than a little?"

"A lot?"

"Less than that."
~

"I need to build a wagon."

"What?"

"I think I broke that last one when I fell off it."
~

"You look like hell."

"Yeah, I stayed out all night not getting pissed and not banging whores."

"Funny I stayed at home and didn't do the exact same thing."
~

"They're all watching you."

"You think?"

"The bald guy giving that blonde a massage, watching you the whole time. Guy with the backwards baseball cap talking to the other guy in the red shirt? Watching you out of the corner of his eye. Tan trenchcoat, white shirt, red tie. Following that other girl, hasn't even glanced at her, only looking at you. They can't take their eyes off you."

"And what were you doing this entire time?"

"Isn't it obvious? I was watching them watch you."

3-William-56

This is all going terribly wrong terribly quickly. I am beginning to fear that I will not be able to get away from this one. I thought I had it licked. I really did. And then tonight I came to realize that there is more going on in my head right now then I ever cared to admit. I am not remotely sure what to do next. But I know whatever I do I can never let my guard down again.

What a shame.

Mundy

"What happened to being normal?"

"Didn't live up to the hype."

I heard back from a painter about my commission statue today. He's priced quite a bit higher than the other guys who got back to me. But I really like his work, so I can overlook that fact. The big problem is that he doesn't think he can even get started until the summer (keep in mind it's freakin' Christmas time), I'm not a very patient man but I do like having something to look forward to. So I might just go ahead and have him do the build-up and paint even though it might take a year before I see the finished statue...and who knows if I'll even be alive by then?

I also picked up a few cool things in the city yesterday, and am working on a new little idea which involves the city as well. Right now I'm going to bail out of work early for a bit and head over to St.Paul's because some people have decided to make Christmas wreaths and I've decided to go watch and laugh.

And then I'll head back to the office where I will most likely end up working the entire night before going home and playing video games till the sun comes up. I will then rinse and repeat as necessary.

"What do you think?"

"I think the only chance we have of this working is if God himself comes down from heaven and kick's them all right in the ass."

"Ha, I never would of guessed."

"What?"

"That you thought we had a chance."

Another Night In NYC

"Why does it hurt so much?"

"So that you can't forget."

"What if I want to?"

"You don't. You may get used to not having something you want, but it never stops hurting because you never stop wanting it. And if you want it so badly...you never really want to forget it, do you?"

"No."

"No indeed."

You learn something new every day. I'm at something of a loss to come up with exactly what it was I learned today, but I'm pretty damn certain it was something.

Everytime I'm beginning to wonder if some things ever change they go and change in a way I never would have expected, and then I'm left trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.

"Don't you just love the Jonas Brothers?"

"I wouldn't recognize a Jonas Brother if one crawled up my ass and exploded. (awkward pause trying to figure out what to say to terrified thirteen year old) Not that one would ever do that. Really. I swear. Shit. I should have just said no shouldn't I?"

We did our annual youth ministry trip to NYC today. As usual it was a blast. As usual I'm left wondering what the hell I would do without these kids.

I've got myself in something of a pickle as of late. I'm not entirely sure how to get out of it. Not entirely sure I want to. But as it seems to happen with me and most things I'm just one collosal coincidence away from the entire world just blowing up and solving my problems for me. Till then I'll just bide my time and try not to hurt anyone too badly.

Finally, it's been exactly five years since I started blogging. That's something. Or maybe it's not. I don't know.

"What do you think the most fucked up thing you could say in church would be?"

"Something about Jesus and blowjobs. (awkward pause) I came up with that entirely too quickly didn't I?"

Luck Be A Lady

There was this girl that I used to have a crush on in high school. Knew then I didn't have a chance, but there was still that glimmer of hope inside of me. Not enough for me to make a move, not enough for me to even talk to her. But enough for me to think "someday, someday I could really love a girl like that."

I don't know if I was less jaded then or just slightly more delusional.

I also don't know what my point was there. Maybe it's that without giving up on life I've given up on parts of life without really meaning to. Maybe it's that I still think I could have a chance 'someday' even if everyone around me thinks I'm pretty much done. Maybe it's hope. Maybe I'm still delusional. I don't know. But when I happened to be in the same place at the same time as this girl last night all I could think was "she's even more out of my league now then she was then" and I began to worry that I was going in the wrong direction very quickly. And then I didn't. Odd.

I didn't make it to the bank today so I'm sort of short on cash. I did manage to get my hot chocolate this morning though so it's really all good.

The simple things people. The simple things.

Tomorrow morning youth ministry heads off to NYC for it's annual Christmas trip. I'm actually excited to be going. I need a way to check if my shit is back together and that group always finds away to make things interesting enough that I can tell. So here's to hoping. Maybe I'm through this one...

Holding Patterns

Tonight I'm going to head home and get some more cleaning done around the house. I really need to make a push at turning my house into somewhere livable, just for morale purposes. Plus if the whole place smells like dog it's going to be tough to rent out the second floor apartment in the spring. I think I'm going to give up trying to learn to draw (I'm total shite) and maybe try and learn a language again, I'm still paying for the Russian Rosetta Stone program so maybe I'll just take another crack at that. I need to get back on the treadmill and start getting my "diet" squared. I've been fucking up these past two weeks. I'm not too happy about that.

I'm in the process of finding a painter for my Heroes For Hire commission. It's amusingly twisted. I'm also trying to find some original art to replace the damaged Joker painting. This Sunday youth ministry is taking a trip into NY and I might stop by MidTown comics and see if they have anything interesting.

I don't really have to repeat how bad last week was for me for so many reasons I don't fully understand. It took the combined (and often unaware) efforts of several good people to help me get through. Depression is something I'm used to, despair is not. And there was a whole lot of hopelessness floating around last week. Next time around I'll be better prepared to deal with it.

So now I'm just sort of holding on. Waiting to see what I do next, and waiting to see how everything else reacts to it.

It's a Drug...Duh, Renewed Faith, and The Sensitive Mr.Palomba

I tried to stay away. I really did. But I'm friggin' addicted. It's like a drug. Blogging is my goddamn heroin. Which I guess is slightly better than heroin being my heroin, but not by much.

I've been writing in my paper journal but my nib is frigged so the ink keeps bleeding and the truth is it's just not the same. Writing private things in a private journal is like sitting in a dark room quietly talking to yourself. Writing private things in a public journal is like sitting in a diner mumbling to yourself about the aliens trying to hot wire your Buick and occasionally attempting to fight off giant mutant flies with a butter knife while scratching your sack.

What a shit analogy. How'd I get so rusty so quick?

And as usual fighting one addiction took my concentration off fighting another. Although in this case trying not to blog meant that I a) ate entirely too much b) spent entirely too much on expensive scotch and cheap women c) totally lost my goddamn mind at least three times in the past five days.

Ain't life a bitch?

But, like always, I keep managing to find that one thing every single day which helps me keep going. That one thing every day that lets me get by. Surprising where it comes from sometimes though.

Today as my old man was opening the mail (he got to it before me) he found a single small handwritten envelope addressed to me. When I looked at the return address I recognized the name right away, it was from a couple that worked for me a number of years ago. Hadn't heard from them in about two years, but I think about them every now and then. They had a real tough run when they were here and we'd helped them out with money a couple of times. About three years ago the husband came to me looking for a little cash because they were short again. They owed the company quite a bit and though my father (in one of his more human moments) wasn't too worried about collecting the balance he also didn't want to lend them anymore money. I couldn't give him money out of the company, so I gave it to him out of my pocket. Just a couple of hundred bucks, nothing too serious. Said for him to pay me back when he could, but if he couldn't I wasn't too worried about it. Not long after he moved his family out of state, heard from him a couple of times, one time he even said that he hadn't forgotten what we did for him. I didn't think about it again. So today when I saw the envelope I figured he was just dropping us a line to say hello and happy holidays. I was pretty shocked to find a check in there. I don't need the money (thought it's nice to have it around the holidays) but the very fact that all these years later they still made good on a debt has sort of renewed my faith in people. You just never know now do you?

Last Thursday (right after I shut this down really, right after I'd lost my goddamn mind actually) I paid a visit to an old friend. I really needed someone to talk to, really needed to get my shit straight quick. It's not the most healthy environment to get square in but like I always say sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to be ok. She helped a lot (doesn't she always?) even though the sensitivity of several subjects led me to be so vague I sort of doubt she had any idea what I was talking about. At one point I apologized for just talking about my problems and she said something which she couldn't have expected to affect me like it did. She said that it was ok I was unloading my problems because she understood how much it could help to vent about things like that to someone that you trusted but weren't all that close too. I laughed even though I hadn't meant to, not because I didn't understand but because she was both spot on and ridiculously far off. And things like that always amuse me. You just never know where you're going to find your moments.

So Friday went long, but good. Saturday hit the high and the low on the spectrum and just about every imaginable spot in between. Sunday I sat at my desk and almost had a real cry for the first time in years, instead I just sort of died. Monday I officially hit rock bottom and not surprisingly did exactly what I always said I would, I bounced. Tuesday I stabilized. Today...well today I came back. Ain't that something?

I've been awfully raw these past few weeks. I'm feeling everything for some reason. Maybe I'm just getting old, maybe I'm getting scared about everything that's coming next. I don't really know. But I know that as long as there's a way for me to survive, I'll find it. I'll probably fuck it up and make it a million times more difficult than it need be, but I'll find it.

And I'll survive.

Right up until I don't.

Cod@?

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

X

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

X

"God it feels like the whole world done fell in." - Lazarus Jones

X

"You ain't kidding Lazzy." - T.O. Hob

X

I wish that I could say that everything has simply fallen apart, but that would be a gross misstatement of the facts. The truth is that everything is exactly as it always is and I'm just now beginning to suspect that it isn't supposed to be this way.

X

I'm overreacting to some things. I know that. But the very act of overreacting is an irrational one and somehow recognizing the irrationalness of our acts rarely seems to make us anymore rational. Maybe nothing is really going all that wrong. But it sure as hell feels like it is.

X

Nothing is ever simple.

X

"Quis custodiet

ipsos custodes." - Juvenal, Satires, VI, 347

X

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never

Been this way before

All you can do is try to know

Who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

XX

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye

X

"Battle not with monsters,

lest ye become a monster,

and if you gaze into the abyss,

the abyss gazes also into you." - Nietzsche

X

I can't seem to calm down. I never stop thinking about the things that are going on right now. Even when I manage to push them back, when I manage to hide them behind some trivial task or simple busy work they just find a way to slip through. I can't do anything without thinking about any one of the things going down right now. I go to sleep thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it, and I swear to God I think about it every minute in between. What "it" is keeps changing. That's not a good sign.

X

My "problem" has become more dynamic. It's justifying itself now.

X

The fact that I used to know that feeling like this came without any rhyme or reason helped me trump it. It didn't help me fix it, it just helped me survive it. This current funk I'm in keeps latching on to any of the things troubling me and just keeps feeding them until they knock me down.

X

It really really sucks.

X

And so my oft repeated motto, "I'm Palomba. I'm always ok." Is suddenly no longer funny or true. I'm not ok. Far from it. I'm momentarily fucked up. Really fucked up. But...well... I'm not ok but I know I will be. I will be.

X

So this is where we sit for now. So far from so much, but so close to absolutely everything. People do change, I know because I did. And because the only hope I've got left is that I'll change again. So I guess the real question should be do people get any better? And I just don't know. I just don't know.

X

The sun is shining, but not all is right in the world. Not yet anyhow...not by a longshot.

X

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?'

But I dream things that never were;

and I say, "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw

X

Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

'Til they're before your eyes

X

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye

X

from "The Call" by Regina Spektor

Darkness

Nope. No way. Not going to happen. If you happened to read the entry that was posted here as a goodbye for the last fifteen minutes I sincerely apologize. There is no chance I'm going out like that. No chance at all.

I'm shutting this thing down. Been coming for awhile. Not saying I won't be back, I know better than to start predicting the future again. But for now this is all I've got. I'm drained.

Tonight's the night a whole lot of shit ends. I don't reckon I'll be better for it when it's over either. In fact I'll probably be a fucking mess.

I don't do well when the days get shorter, don't do well in all that night. I don't do well when I'm alone anymore and I don't like not knowing what's going to happen next. So why, you may ask, am I doing all of this now?

A good question. A good question that I'm not going to answer. Not right now anyways.

I'm not going to pretend this is the start of something new and brilliant, that this is the big change that will finally set me right. This is just the end of some shit. So on to whatever happens next.

So hey, thanks for reading.

Really.

I know it's been weird.

But it's been grand.

It's been fun.

Now it's done.

See you in the real world.

Travel well friends.

With love & respect...