So I've been in the office at two in the morning pretty much every day for the past five days. That really sucks. I planned on getting out of here early tonight and for no real reason I'm still here. So I'm going home before I look up from whatever I'm doing and realize that it's 2 A.M. I'm going home. Not sure what I'm going to do once I get there, but I'm going home. So, uh...yeah.
Good night I guess.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Four Guys Walk Into A Bar: Unfunny Joke & Unrelated Photograph
First guy is iconic silent film comedian Charlie Chaplin. Second guy is infamous serial killer Charlie Manson. Third guy is legendary pornstar Ron Jeremy. Fourth guy is me.
The bartender bets the four guys that if any one of them can make him laugh the drinks are on the house.
First guy asks the piano player to strike up The Charleston and proceeds to dance around performing the occasional pratfall. No one at all laughs. Everyone looks at the second guy. Manson pulls out an ice pick, stabs the piano player in the chest thirteen times, carves a swatstika in his forehead and tosses his dead body onto the bar. No one at all laughs. Everyone looks at the third guy. Ron Jeremy drops his pants, saddles up behind the piano player's corpse and proceeds to fuck it in the ass. Chaplin passes out, Manson vomits onto the floor. No one at all laughs. The bartender looks at the fourth guy.
Fourth guy says, "Fuck it. I'd have laughed." And walks out of the bar.
As the door closes behind him the bartender starts to laugh hysterically.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Trip Nasty
My stomach is feeling a bit grumbly. Like it got used to not eating all the shit I used to eat and now that in the past week or two I've been fucking up and eating that shit it just doesn't want to deal with it. Of course that also means I'm back up a few pounds, not that a few pounds makes a lot of difference when you're my size anyway, but it means I'm going to have to start trying harder.
Saw I Love You, Man last night. It was pretty damn funny. Small group went to see it. Just me, Michelle, Adge, Ring, and Kevin. Seems like every week our outing groups get a little bit smaller. But in the vein of learning not to lament things that are yet to be lost I'm not worrying about it.
Spent a lot of time with the kids this weekend. Little Sister is getting entirely too old. She picked out her dress for the 8th Grade dance and is talking about getting her hair done. Jeez. They grow up so fast don't they? The Rookie is as batshit crazy as always and he had a few surprises up his sleeve for us over the course of the nine hours we spent just bombing around on Saturday. Not enough days like that left I reckon, but I'll make the most out of what I have.
Thinking about taking a real vacation at some point. A number of people I know are doing Vegas trips and it has rekindled my curiosity in going out there at some point. They're all a different sort than me though, but I'm still curious to see what they think. Nate and I briefly discussed going to Brazil this summer. I'd actually really like to check that out, but ignoring the fact that I don't have a passport, don't speak Portuguese, and won't have any money by the summer there are still a half dozen reasons why that trip will never get off the ground. (Main reason? There was a substantial amount of alcohol and a ridiculously hot Brazilian woman in the same room as us when we first conceived the idea...any further discussion of the trip that didn't involve barrels of alcohol and a ridiculously hot Brazilian woman probably wouldn't play out the same way.) There's also the possibility that I'll head out to San Diego in July for Comic Con. It was an idea I was big into a couple of months ago. My interested has sort of wained though. I'm curtailing the collection because I'm out of room, it's too early for them to be doing panels on the big Marvel movies for 2010 and 2011, and the damn thing already sold out which means it will be ridiculously packed. But who knows, going to talk to my cousin for a bit later and see if maybe we can come up with a gameplan.
I think more realistically the idea is going to be to come up with a number of daytrips. Spend more time in the museums in New York with absolutley anyone that's down (and trust me that's a wide and varied group for certain), maybe actually catch a baseball game for the first time in years, maybe even (gasp!) go to the beach? I don't know. I don't know.
Recapping the things I didn't talk about last week. Finally saw Tales of the Black Freighter and as cool as it was I'm glad they didn't stick it in the Watchmen movie. It would have just made it longer and since the story was so different it wouldn't have made any sense. I also got around to seeing Quantum of Solace. I really do like Daniel Craig as James Bond. And I'm madly in love with Olga Kurylenko. But the movie just didn't fly for me. It was good. I liked it. But it didn't hold a candle to Casino Royale. It was still better than the last two Pierce Brosnan Bond films though. And better than quite a few of the Roger Moore Bond films as well.
It looks like we may finally have our network issues straightened out, which of course means something else is due to go wrong. I'll be taking a run out to sort some things on the road in about an hour and then I might stop in at a photo shop to see if I can pick up some stuff for my new camera. Tonight I've got payroll to do, some other things to sort out, the outside chance of paying a visit, and a fair shot at falling asleep while watching another boring episode of Heroes.
This week may turn out to be pretty bland (or will it? dun dun dun...) I don't have enough liquid cash to get in any substantial trouble. No one will likely be around and things will be busy enough at work to keep me fairly tied up. So who knows. Maybe I'll just be working and writing this week...or maybe not.
We will see. We will see.
Saw I Love You, Man last night. It was pretty damn funny. Small group went to see it. Just me, Michelle, Adge, Ring, and Kevin. Seems like every week our outing groups get a little bit smaller. But in the vein of learning not to lament things that are yet to be lost I'm not worrying about it.
Spent a lot of time with the kids this weekend. Little Sister is getting entirely too old. She picked out her dress for the 8th Grade dance and is talking about getting her hair done. Jeez. They grow up so fast don't they? The Rookie is as batshit crazy as always and he had a few surprises up his sleeve for us over the course of the nine hours we spent just bombing around on Saturday. Not enough days like that left I reckon, but I'll make the most out of what I have.
Thinking about taking a real vacation at some point. A number of people I know are doing Vegas trips and it has rekindled my curiosity in going out there at some point. They're all a different sort than me though, but I'm still curious to see what they think. Nate and I briefly discussed going to Brazil this summer. I'd actually really like to check that out, but ignoring the fact that I don't have a passport, don't speak Portuguese, and won't have any money by the summer there are still a half dozen reasons why that trip will never get off the ground. (Main reason? There was a substantial amount of alcohol and a ridiculously hot Brazilian woman in the same room as us when we first conceived the idea...any further discussion of the trip that didn't involve barrels of alcohol and a ridiculously hot Brazilian woman probably wouldn't play out the same way.) There's also the possibility that I'll head out to San Diego in July for Comic Con. It was an idea I was big into a couple of months ago. My interested has sort of wained though. I'm curtailing the collection because I'm out of room, it's too early for them to be doing panels on the big Marvel movies for 2010 and 2011, and the damn thing already sold out which means it will be ridiculously packed. But who knows, going to talk to my cousin for a bit later and see if maybe we can come up with a gameplan.
I think more realistically the idea is going to be to come up with a number of daytrips. Spend more time in the museums in New York with absolutley anyone that's down (and trust me that's a wide and varied group for certain), maybe actually catch a baseball game for the first time in years, maybe even (gasp!) go to the beach? I don't know. I don't know.
Recapping the things I didn't talk about last week. Finally saw Tales of the Black Freighter and as cool as it was I'm glad they didn't stick it in the Watchmen movie. It would have just made it longer and since the story was so different it wouldn't have made any sense. I also got around to seeing Quantum of Solace. I really do like Daniel Craig as James Bond. And I'm madly in love with Olga Kurylenko. But the movie just didn't fly for me. It was good. I liked it. But it didn't hold a candle to Casino Royale. It was still better than the last two Pierce Brosnan Bond films though. And better than quite a few of the Roger Moore Bond films as well.
It looks like we may finally have our network issues straightened out, which of course means something else is due to go wrong. I'll be taking a run out to sort some things on the road in about an hour and then I might stop in at a photo shop to see if I can pick up some stuff for my new camera. Tonight I've got payroll to do, some other things to sort out, the outside chance of paying a visit, and a fair shot at falling asleep while watching another boring episode of Heroes.
This week may turn out to be pretty bland (or will it? dun dun dun...) I don't have enough liquid cash to get in any substantial trouble. No one will likely be around and things will be busy enough at work to keep me fairly tied up. So who knows. Maybe I'll just be working and writing this week...or maybe not.
We will see. We will see.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Vanguard Rising?
Six hours from now I will be killed in an automobile accident on my way into the office, called in for an unforseen emergency.
The silly part of this all is that I was beginning to feel like I'd woken up from a very long and very fitful sleep. I was feeling rested, almost alive. Almost real. The silly part of all this is that I thought I was through the worst of it. For no apparent reason, with no real logic behind any of it. I thought I was through it. But now I don't know. I'm wondering if this is the last meal before the hangman's noose, that last smoke before facing the firing squad. I'm wondering.
Three weeks ago next Tuesday I'll drown in a drainage ditch while passed out drunk and strung out on methamphetamines.
What if I'm already dead? What if this what the afterlife is like? A series of increasingly nonsensical challenges that you can never quite live up to? What if it really is a game? And I'm not playing for the right side?
On Christmas Eve in 2013 I'll be shot three times in a stick-up attempt at a Citgo station somewhere south of Des Moines, Iowa. I'll die painfully and alone in strange place.
On my 17th birthday I'll be stabbed in the back by someone I thought was my friend and as I bleed to death on the floor of our high school gymnasium I'll wonder how I could have been so foolish.
I don't know what it was about the last two days that's got me thinking about the days before I bottomed out late last year. Don't know why I'm searching for answers to questions I thought I had figured out. Maybe deep down I feel a bad spell coming, even though I'm still feeling really good. Maybe it's just that fear that comes with knowing that things have gone bad before. Maybe it's just that doubt creeping in the corners telling me that this isn't it, that it's just a momentary respite.
On a cool afternoon in October not so many years from now I'll experience a sharp pain in my chest, and I'll be gone before paramedics even reach me.
There's going to be a stretch in the next few weeks where I'm totally on my own. Flying without a net so to speak. To pull some shit off I'm going to need to get my head clear of even the good shit. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. I hope so. But I know that if I don't I'll just man up and try again later. Hell it's not like I'm going anywhere right?
While crossing an unfamiliar street in an unfamiliar city I'll be struck and killed by a truck whose driver was nodding off behind the wheel. Lost in my thoughts I'll have never even noticed the truck coming.
I'd say this was sort of cathartic, say that the past few hours did or made something different. But they didn't. No. They didn't. Instead the message I found pounding inside my skull as I trudged home in the early hours of this morning just gets louder and louder. Like the volume will somehow help me understand it.
This is fire.
We are Vanguard.
Sure. Sure you are.
The silly part of this all is that I was beginning to feel like I'd woken up from a very long and very fitful sleep. I was feeling rested, almost alive. Almost real. The silly part of all this is that I thought I was through the worst of it. For no apparent reason, with no real logic behind any of it. I thought I was through it. But now I don't know. I'm wondering if this is the last meal before the hangman's noose, that last smoke before facing the firing squad. I'm wondering.
Three weeks ago next Tuesday I'll drown in a drainage ditch while passed out drunk and strung out on methamphetamines.
What if I'm already dead? What if this what the afterlife is like? A series of increasingly nonsensical challenges that you can never quite live up to? What if it really is a game? And I'm not playing for the right side?
On Christmas Eve in 2013 I'll be shot three times in a stick-up attempt at a Citgo station somewhere south of Des Moines, Iowa. I'll die painfully and alone in strange place.
Things aren't looking all that smashing for the next little bit. I've got some things that need to be overcome, some other things that need to be sorted. But then again isn't that always the way? I guess I'd be kind of disappointed if things were suddenly just perfect. I'm sort of enjoying things suddenly just being good.
On my 17th birthday I'll be stabbed in the back by someone I thought was my friend and as I bleed to death on the floor of our high school gymnasium I'll wonder how I could have been so foolish.
I don't know what it was about the last two days that's got me thinking about the days before I bottomed out late last year. Don't know why I'm searching for answers to questions I thought I had figured out. Maybe deep down I feel a bad spell coming, even though I'm still feeling really good. Maybe it's just that fear that comes with knowing that things have gone bad before. Maybe it's just that doubt creeping in the corners telling me that this isn't it, that it's just a momentary respite.
On a cool afternoon in October not so many years from now I'll experience a sharp pain in my chest, and I'll be gone before paramedics even reach me.
There's going to be a stretch in the next few weeks where I'm totally on my own. Flying without a net so to speak. To pull some shit off I'm going to need to get my head clear of even the good shit. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. I hope so. But I know that if I don't I'll just man up and try again later. Hell it's not like I'm going anywhere right?
While crossing an unfamiliar street in an unfamiliar city I'll be struck and killed by a truck whose driver was nodding off behind the wheel. Lost in my thoughts I'll have never even noticed the truck coming.
I'd say this was sort of cathartic, say that the past few hours did or made something different. But they didn't. No. They didn't. Instead the message I found pounding inside my skull as I trudged home in the early hours of this morning just gets louder and louder. Like the volume will somehow help me understand it.
This is fire.
We are Vanguard.
Sure. Sure you are.
Of
I can't seem to finish a post these past three days. That's odd.
Maybe I've just finally run out of things to say.
Doubt it though.
I sincerely fucking doubt it.
Maybe I've just finally run out of things to say.
Doubt it though.
I sincerely fucking doubt it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
kcartkcab
"We've been here before."
"You're talking to yourself again."
"No. I'm talking to you."
"I'm not really here."
"Well it sounds like you."
"Of course it sounds like me, you know what I sound like."
"I don't usually talk to you when I talk to myself though."
"Well, maybe it's just different this time."
"Maybe. So am I mad again?"
"No. Not again. You never stopped being mad in the first place."
"I'm pretty sure I did."
"I'm pretty sure you didn't."
"Right. But you don't exist."
"Good point."
"So fuck off then, I'm going to go back to not talking to myself. And I'll talk to you next time I actually see you."
"Good for you. I'll see you then, or I won't see you then but they'll see you then...you know what I mean."
"Right. Good night."
"Good night...and good luck."
"You're talking to yourself again."
"No. I'm talking to you."
"I'm not really here."
"Well it sounds like you."
"Of course it sounds like me, you know what I sound like."
"I don't usually talk to you when I talk to myself though."
"Well, maybe it's just different this time."
"Maybe. So am I mad again?"
"No. Not again. You never stopped being mad in the first place."
"I'm pretty sure I did."
"I'm pretty sure you didn't."
"Right. But you don't exist."
"Good point."
"So fuck off then, I'm going to go back to not talking to myself. And I'll talk to you next time I actually see you."
"Good for you. I'll see you then, or I won't see you then but they'll see you then...you know what I mean."
"Right. Good night."
"Good night...and good luck."
chimera
First I walked in man made shoes, but my feet hurt, so I cast those shoes aside and walked in only my socks. I walked awhile in only those socks, but still my feet hurt, so I tossed away those socks and walked in my bare feet. I walked awhile with my feet bare, but still my feet hurt, so I peeled off my skin and walked on blood and bones. But still my feet hurt...so I stopped walking. And the little voice in my head said, "Where you stop is where you die." And I knew this to be true. So I kept walking. No matter how much it hurt I kept walking. And walking. And walking. Because I knew that despite the pain I had no choice. I had to keep going. To stop is to die, to continue on is to die a little slower.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Oy.
This is my brain.
This is my brain exploding and draining out my ears, little bits of chunkage slithering down my cheeks and shlopping off onto the floor where small feral children will nibble at them while making finger paintings on floor tiles using the more viscous liquids still seeping out my skull.
Yeah. It's been that kind of day.
So the old man started slipping yesterday, just didn't seem like he was in a good mood. My old comp finally went kerplop and I was barely able to get just about everything I need off it. I've hardly been eating these past two days, but I'm still up a bit in weight. Starving right now, so tonight ain't going to help but I sure as hell will be on that treadmill before the day is done. Picked up the new comp yesterday, still trying to get things running proper. Our bootleg network is not helping and our lack of a systems admin is definitely not helping. So my nice new big shiny computer is fairly fuck all useless right this moment.
Got some tech help coming in tomorrow, also going to run out tomorrow and grab a color printer for this comp alone and probably a new digital camera. Next couple of days will be dedicated to getting this thing running like I want it. Next few days after that will be dedicated to getting my house sorted. Not sure if anything is going on with the team in the next little bit, sure nothing is going on with the guys. Jere is out of commission still and I haven't heard from anyone else in the two weeks since we got back from Beantown. Even my old friend is taking off on a bit of a vacation. So it looks like it might just be me on my lonesome for a little bit here. Could help...could hurt. We will see.
So anyways, today was about the most blah and frustrating day I've had in a bit. You should probably be able to tell that from the rather shite writing that I'm dropping here. So I'm going to head home, catch Lost and Life, eat shit I shouldn't be eating, and then hop on the tready for a few miles to try and balance that out.
I will be back tomorrow...maybe even with pictures and video and a fully functioning computer network.
Oh, and did I mention that my new computer is a touchscreen? Which is totally fuck all useless as well. In fact I'm going to use the touch screen to publish the post and it will be the first time I've used it all day. Let's hope it doesn't f'in explode.
Night all.
This is my brain exploding and draining out my ears, little bits of chunkage slithering down my cheeks and shlopping off onto the floor where small feral children will nibble at them while making finger paintings on floor tiles using the more viscous liquids still seeping out my skull.
Yeah. It's been that kind of day.
So the old man started slipping yesterday, just didn't seem like he was in a good mood. My old comp finally went kerplop and I was barely able to get just about everything I need off it. I've hardly been eating these past two days, but I'm still up a bit in weight. Starving right now, so tonight ain't going to help but I sure as hell will be on that treadmill before the day is done. Picked up the new comp yesterday, still trying to get things running proper. Our bootleg network is not helping and our lack of a systems admin is definitely not helping. So my nice new big shiny computer is fairly fuck all useless right this moment.
Got some tech help coming in tomorrow, also going to run out tomorrow and grab a color printer for this comp alone and probably a new digital camera. Next couple of days will be dedicated to getting this thing running like I want it. Next few days after that will be dedicated to getting my house sorted. Not sure if anything is going on with the team in the next little bit, sure nothing is going on with the guys. Jere is out of commission still and I haven't heard from anyone else in the two weeks since we got back from Beantown. Even my old friend is taking off on a bit of a vacation. So it looks like it might just be me on my lonesome for a little bit here. Could help...could hurt. We will see.
So anyways, today was about the most blah and frustrating day I've had in a bit. You should probably be able to tell that from the rather shite writing that I'm dropping here. So I'm going to head home, catch Lost and Life, eat shit I shouldn't be eating, and then hop on the tready for a few miles to try and balance that out.
I will be back tomorrow...maybe even with pictures and video and a fully functioning computer network.
Oh, and did I mention that my new computer is a touchscreen? Which is totally fuck all useless as well. In fact I'm going to use the touch screen to publish the post and it will be the first time I've used it all day. Let's hope it doesn't f'in explode.
Night all.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Calvero Tivoli Rides Again
Ah here I am walking that fine line between fucking up royally and eking out the most improbable of victories without causing all that much damage.
Anyone want to take bets on how that'll turn out?
Last night I worked late. When I finally stopped long enough to take a piss I found myself staring at a stranger in the mirror. My hair has grown longer than it has been in years and was sticking up at all odd angles from running my hands through it. My eyes were cold and tired, my cheeks were sunken and my jaw slightly harder than I remember it being. I had a severe 5 o'clock shadow. I looked old. I looked hard. I looked like someone you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. I laughed.
I shot home and cleaned up a little then headed out for a drink with an "old friend". It's funny how that can turn the tide of a long day sometimes. I find that I rely entirely too much on other people for my survival. They act as a tether to the real world, they ground me when my mind begins to drift. They make me feel...human. Sometimes it's as simple as calling my little brother or sister, or talking to one of the church kids on the computer. Sometimes it's hanging out with my friends and other times it's paying a quick visit to my "old friend". It's an awkward cocktail of misery, coincidence, and happenstance that keeps me going sometimes. And other times it's just good people.
So there I am hanging out in this bar, chatting a little drinking a lot. Just trying to unwind the complicated tangle that is my thoughts. She's new at this place, she doesn't know anyone but her one friend. I'm not new at this place. I know a lot of people. Aw-k-ward. I spend a few minutes going, "Remember that story? Right there. Remember that story? Right there. Remember that story? Right there." To her credit she at least pretends to remember every story. She humors me. I pay well.
So we head upstairs, and we're sitting in the cigar lounge. And the bartender stops over to say hello. She already knows what I'm drinking without me having to tell her and I quickly realize it's going to be one of those nights. A few minutes later the bartender is explaining something about the club and stops midsentence and says to me, "I don't have to tell you all this, you know your way around here." My old friend (who the bartender doesn't know, and doesn't know I know) starts cracking up and the bartender quickly realizes what she's just said and rapidly tries to backpedal but is now so flustered she doesn't know what to say. My old friend doesn't miss a beat and says something to the bartender along the lines of, "Don't worry. I already know." I sit there shaking my head in disbelief and chuckling quietly to myself. It was definitely going to be that kind of night.
A few hours later we've talked about horror movies, Harry Potter, museums, dining out in New York City, and the rather profound bizareness that is my life. It was a good time. It helped me get right when I was dangerously close to going wrong. It also pushed the amount of money I've spent in the last three days from a "shitload" to a "fuckton" and means that I'll probably have to start watching what I spend at some point in the next few weeks. But like my old pal Bernstein said it's no trick to make a lot of money...if what you want to do is make a lot of money. So no worries.
I got home, ate some taquitos (boy was that a mistake in about seven different ways), watched Chuck. And called it a night. A little older, a little more tired, a little broker. But really none the worse for the wear.
Not bad for a Monday. Not bad at all.
Anyone want to take bets on how that'll turn out?
Last night I worked late. When I finally stopped long enough to take a piss I found myself staring at a stranger in the mirror. My hair has grown longer than it has been in years and was sticking up at all odd angles from running my hands through it. My eyes were cold and tired, my cheeks were sunken and my jaw slightly harder than I remember it being. I had a severe 5 o'clock shadow. I looked old. I looked hard. I looked like someone you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley. I laughed.
I shot home and cleaned up a little then headed out for a drink with an "old friend". It's funny how that can turn the tide of a long day sometimes. I find that I rely entirely too much on other people for my survival. They act as a tether to the real world, they ground me when my mind begins to drift. They make me feel...human. Sometimes it's as simple as calling my little brother or sister, or talking to one of the church kids on the computer. Sometimes it's hanging out with my friends and other times it's paying a quick visit to my "old friend". It's an awkward cocktail of misery, coincidence, and happenstance that keeps me going sometimes. And other times it's just good people.
So there I am hanging out in this bar, chatting a little drinking a lot. Just trying to unwind the complicated tangle that is my thoughts. She's new at this place, she doesn't know anyone but her one friend. I'm not new at this place. I know a lot of people. Aw-k-ward. I spend a few minutes going, "Remember that story? Right there. Remember that story? Right there. Remember that story? Right there." To her credit she at least pretends to remember every story. She humors me. I pay well.
So we head upstairs, and we're sitting in the cigar lounge. And the bartender stops over to say hello. She already knows what I'm drinking without me having to tell her and I quickly realize it's going to be one of those nights. A few minutes later the bartender is explaining something about the club and stops midsentence and says to me, "I don't have to tell you all this, you know your way around here." My old friend (who the bartender doesn't know, and doesn't know I know) starts cracking up and the bartender quickly realizes what she's just said and rapidly tries to backpedal but is now so flustered she doesn't know what to say. My old friend doesn't miss a beat and says something to the bartender along the lines of, "Don't worry. I already know." I sit there shaking my head in disbelief and chuckling quietly to myself. It was definitely going to be that kind of night.
A few hours later we've talked about horror movies, Harry Potter, museums, dining out in New York City, and the rather profound bizareness that is my life. It was a good time. It helped me get right when I was dangerously close to going wrong. It also pushed the amount of money I've spent in the last three days from a "shitload" to a "fuckton" and means that I'll probably have to start watching what I spend at some point in the next few weeks. But like my old pal Bernstein said it's no trick to make a lot of money...if what you want to do is make a lot of money. So no worries.
I got home, ate some taquitos (boy was that a mistake in about seven different ways), watched Chuck. And called it a night. A little older, a little more tired, a little broker. But really none the worse for the wear.
Not bad for a Monday. Not bad at all.
Monday, March 23, 2009
J
You know for a moment there I felt almost...human.
And look what happened.
Tsk. Tsk.
Can't have things going like that again now can we?
I suddenly feel very isolated. Alone. Not lonely. Just alone.
It's quiet in here. I wonder if this is what nothing feels like.
Adrift. Adroit. A drought.
Of clear consciousness.
The thought enters my mind that perhaps it's better to disappear for a bit than risk further unpleasant entanglements. Need to get a way from some people for a bit. Need to keep my head clear, not let it get all cluttered up like it has in the past.
I'm hungry.
Really hungry.
So hungry it hurts.
I'm stumbling. Stumbling. Stumbling. Stumbling.
But I will not fall.
Tonight we seek clarity. So that tomorrow we may see.
~
In other, slightly more linear, news. After the first two days of the weekend went so well I was sort of prepping for a let down yesterday. But instead the day delivered in all the ways I had hoped it would. In an interesting twist the day both started and finished in the same bar, with the same people. That was sort of cool. After Wizards on Saturday night (so technically Sunday morning) I headed back down to the office for a bit. Got some stuff done. Not much, but just some stuff. I headed home and watched the end of the last episode of Galactica (again). I barely slept and then headed down to Bayonne to take the family out for lunch after the St.Patrick's Day Parade. It was a good time. Those kids are growing up entirely too fast though. Not entirely sure I like that.
I took the cousins out for ice cream after lunch just so that everyone wouldn't have to go home just yet, and then I shot back up to start picking people up and heading out to the movies. There ended up being nine of us and we went to see The Last House on The Left. The girls weren't expecting it to be quite as gory as it was. The guys were all fairly impressed I think. It was bloody. It was awesome.
We stopped for a quick bite to eat at Applebees. We were a big table really close to closing and the waitress seemed to be having a bad day so I left a fairly significant tip (then again don't I always?). My usual method is to pay and bail. One of the rules is you don't stick around after you've left the tip. Last night I got caught because I paid while people were still eating. So before I could get up to go here comes the waitress to thank me. For a second I really thought she was going to hug me (wouldn't be the first time.) But instead she put her hand on my back and said thank you, and then proceeded to tell me that she just broke up with her boyfriend of two years because she found out that he was cheating on her. She was a pretty girl, and seemed really sweet, but how exactly is one supposed to respond to that? I think I nodded and uncomfortably muttered 'Sorry to hear that.' Weird shit like that always happens in that Applebees. I'm going to have to hang out there more often.
After that we stopped at Wizards and finished out the day pretty much exactly how we started it. All in all it ended up being a pretty great weekend. In a few hours I'll pack up here at the office and head home to clean up a bit. I'll probably shower and shave and then head out for a few drinks and a little conversation. After that I'll head back to the house, watch a little TV and if I'm feeling inspired work out just a little bit. Then tomorrow I get to fix some things...or at least try and fix some things before they get entirely too far out of hand.
Wish me luck.
And look what happened.
Tsk. Tsk.
Can't have things going like that again now can we?
I suddenly feel very isolated. Alone. Not lonely. Just alone.
It's quiet in here. I wonder if this is what nothing feels like.
Adrift. Adroit. A drought.
Of clear consciousness.
The thought enters my mind that perhaps it's better to disappear for a bit than risk further unpleasant entanglements. Need to get a way from some people for a bit. Need to keep my head clear, not let it get all cluttered up like it has in the past.
I'm hungry.
Really hungry.
So hungry it hurts.
I'm stumbling. Stumbling. Stumbling. Stumbling.
But I will not fall.
Tonight we seek clarity. So that tomorrow we may see.
~
In other, slightly more linear, news. After the first two days of the weekend went so well I was sort of prepping for a let down yesterday. But instead the day delivered in all the ways I had hoped it would. In an interesting twist the day both started and finished in the same bar, with the same people. That was sort of cool. After Wizards on Saturday night (so technically Sunday morning) I headed back down to the office for a bit. Got some stuff done. Not much, but just some stuff. I headed home and watched the end of the last episode of Galactica (again). I barely slept and then headed down to Bayonne to take the family out for lunch after the St.Patrick's Day Parade. It was a good time. Those kids are growing up entirely too fast though. Not entirely sure I like that.
I took the cousins out for ice cream after lunch just so that everyone wouldn't have to go home just yet, and then I shot back up to start picking people up and heading out to the movies. There ended up being nine of us and we went to see The Last House on The Left. The girls weren't expecting it to be quite as gory as it was. The guys were all fairly impressed I think. It was bloody. It was awesome.
We stopped for a quick bite to eat at Applebees. We were a big table really close to closing and the waitress seemed to be having a bad day so I left a fairly significant tip (then again don't I always?). My usual method is to pay and bail. One of the rules is you don't stick around after you've left the tip. Last night I got caught because I paid while people were still eating. So before I could get up to go here comes the waitress to thank me. For a second I really thought she was going to hug me (wouldn't be the first time.) But instead she put her hand on my back and said thank you, and then proceeded to tell me that she just broke up with her boyfriend of two years because she found out that he was cheating on her. She was a pretty girl, and seemed really sweet, but how exactly is one supposed to respond to that? I think I nodded and uncomfortably muttered 'Sorry to hear that.' Weird shit like that always happens in that Applebees. I'm going to have to hang out there more often.
After that we stopped at Wizards and finished out the day pretty much exactly how we started it. All in all it ended up being a pretty great weekend. In a few hours I'll pack up here at the office and head home to clean up a bit. I'll probably shower and shave and then head out for a few drinks and a little conversation. After that I'll head back to the house, watch a little TV and if I'm feeling inspired work out just a little bit. Then tomorrow I get to fix some things...or at least try and fix some things before they get entirely too far out of hand.
Wish me luck.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Grab Your Gun And Bring In The Cat
So last night brought the end of what in the past year had become one of my favorite tv shows. I think I'll probably watch the whole run of Battlstar Galactica at least once more on DVD but the fact that I didn't follow this fantastic program from its beginning will always be something that disappoints me. It really was top notch. From Edward James Olmos as Admiral Adama to Michael Trucco as Sam Anders each and every actor played their part well. Each and every character had a great amount of depth and detail. I was even impressed by how well the finale ended up going. And I was pretty impressed too that I sort of guessed the ending. (We're all Cylons...get it?) I'll miss the show. Not gonna lie.
Today I went down to Bayonne to have lunch with my cousins. It was good seeing them. James headed back towards California today. It'll be a bit before he's back, but hopefully I'll see him when he's back over the summer. Bridget is just starting to get her admissions letters back and she's already racked up quite a few good schools. I'm real proud of those kids.
After that I met up with Collette to go over to the MET in NYC. We got a hold of Michelle at the last minute and the three of us headed in. I was just there back in November so it was kind of nice because I could just catch the stuff I missed last time. We wandered around there for a bit, caught a bite to eat, and then stopped for cupcakes (not muffins) at Magnolia Bakery. On the way back we were stopped at a light next to actress Marcia Gay Harden. It would have been cooler if I wasn't the only one who knew who she was.
We got back and stopped in at Wizards for a bit. Pretty much as soon as we walked into Wizards I got a message from an old friend. I'd sort of been surprised it had been a few weeks since we talked, and I almost expected to be in touch soon. But the fact that I got the message so late was odd. So either it was sent late or my phone just got it to me real late. So I didn't get to stop by tonight, but I sort of said I'd stopped by Monday. So we will see.
Tomorrow afternoon I'll be back in Bayonne to catch a bite to eat with the family after the St.Patty's Day parade. Then I'll hustle back up to catch a movie with the Team. And then I'll probably head back down here to the office to get some work done and try and clean off this computer.
All in all it will have been a good weekend. As long as nothing cataclysmic goes down tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
Today I went down to Bayonne to have lunch with my cousins. It was good seeing them. James headed back towards California today. It'll be a bit before he's back, but hopefully I'll see him when he's back over the summer. Bridget is just starting to get her admissions letters back and she's already racked up quite a few good schools. I'm real proud of those kids.
After that I met up with Collette to go over to the MET in NYC. We got a hold of Michelle at the last minute and the three of us headed in. I was just there back in November so it was kind of nice because I could just catch the stuff I missed last time. We wandered around there for a bit, caught a bite to eat, and then stopped for cupcakes (not muffins) at Magnolia Bakery. On the way back we were stopped at a light next to actress Marcia Gay Harden. It would have been cooler if I wasn't the only one who knew who she was.
We got back and stopped in at Wizards for a bit. Pretty much as soon as we walked into Wizards I got a message from an old friend. I'd sort of been surprised it had been a few weeks since we talked, and I almost expected to be in touch soon. But the fact that I got the message so late was odd. So either it was sent late or my phone just got it to me real late. So I didn't get to stop by tonight, but I sort of said I'd stopped by Monday. So we will see.
Tomorrow afternoon I'll be back in Bayonne to catch a bite to eat with the family after the St.Patty's Day parade. Then I'll hustle back up to catch a movie with the Team. And then I'll probably head back down here to the office to get some work done and try and clean off this computer.
All in all it will have been a good weekend. As long as nothing cataclysmic goes down tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Survival of The Illest: Quantification of Negative Space
I've gone and done a bad bad thing.
Ok...well, no, I haven't really.
I've done a few sort of slightly not good things. But I haven't done any bad things. And God knows I've tried. I'm just not capable.
I'm a tad bit heart broken today.
Throughout the night I almost wept, my soul wrenched out from 'neath my skin. My heart beat hard flipt' over 'agin, my tongue rot dry and swoln in...my very mouth from which these words sprung forth, like dark a'r suck'd from out my lung the silent mis'ry left for none to see me hung amidst the boughs of demon trees that scream'd aloud and unto the ears of innoc'nts whose virgin sensibilities I do decry, no worse for wear, no eye for eye. And so we still...go on.
So of course I found my way to survive. I always find my way to survive. And the streak lives on. It wasn't a bad day. It was a day that could have been bad. And instead? It was just another day.
I've come to understand how much of a leach I am. How much of a user I can be. I use people up and when I'm done with them I'm done with them. It's a horrible way to be. I rail against it every day. But it's my very nature. I use people to survive. I think that makes me a bad person.
I'm wondering if I'm at the point where I've used up the last of the reserves. I'm wondering if I'm all out. I can't help but look down on this world as it is now. Full of whores, liars, adulterers. Thieves and murderers. Pimps and pedophiles. Scum. The entire world is full of scum. Where is this judgement God has promised us? Where is this final reckoning that the righteous amongst us have looked towards for all our lives? When will our streets be purged of the filth which has soiled our society for so long? It is time for God to bring down his mighty fist on the immoral and amoral and those who stand silent while the heathens run rampant and...
Oh, wait, forgot which side I was on for a second there.
Sorry.
Alright, look, I'm just takin' a piss. It's all good. Really. In fact I've never been so good for absolutely no reason in my entire life. It's not like my situation has changed, or improved. It's certainly not like I've just said fuck it all and given up either. I'm still me. I'm still grinding. At some point in the future I'll have all my shit totally in check and maybe then I'll even be a better person for it. Maybe I'll even be a better me. But right now? Well I'm just glad the voices have been quiet lately, just glad I seem to be making this trip all on my own.
So it's not yet noon, but fuck all I could use a drink already so here's to expensive scotch, cheap women, fast cars, and loud music. Here's to good times with good friends and even better times with the best of friends. Here's to having people you can count on, having people who know they can count on you, and having people worth missing. Here's to snow on the first day of spring. Here's to you...and here's to me.
Cheers.
Ok...well, no, I haven't really.
I've done a few sort of slightly not good things. But I haven't done any bad things. And God knows I've tried. I'm just not capable.
I'm a tad bit heart broken today.
Throughout the night I almost wept, my soul wrenched out from 'neath my skin. My heart beat hard flipt' over 'agin, my tongue rot dry and swoln in...my very mouth from which these words sprung forth, like dark a'r suck'd from out my lung the silent mis'ry left for none to see me hung amidst the boughs of demon trees that scream'd aloud and unto the ears of innoc'nts whose virgin sensibilities I do decry, no worse for wear, no eye for eye. And so we still...go on.
So of course I found my way to survive. I always find my way to survive. And the streak lives on. It wasn't a bad day. It was a day that could have been bad. And instead? It was just another day.
I've come to understand how much of a leach I am. How much of a user I can be. I use people up and when I'm done with them I'm done with them. It's a horrible way to be. I rail against it every day. But it's my very nature. I use people to survive. I think that makes me a bad person.
I'm wondering if I'm at the point where I've used up the last of the reserves. I'm wondering if I'm all out. I can't help but look down on this world as it is now. Full of whores, liars, adulterers. Thieves and murderers. Pimps and pedophiles. Scum. The entire world is full of scum. Where is this judgement God has promised us? Where is this final reckoning that the righteous amongst us have looked towards for all our lives? When will our streets be purged of the filth which has soiled our society for so long? It is time for God to bring down his mighty fist on the immoral and amoral and those who stand silent while the heathens run rampant and...
Oh, wait, forgot which side I was on for a second there.
Sorry.
Alright, look, I'm just takin' a piss. It's all good. Really. In fact I've never been so good for absolutely no reason in my entire life. It's not like my situation has changed, or improved. It's certainly not like I've just said fuck it all and given up either. I'm still me. I'm still grinding. At some point in the future I'll have all my shit totally in check and maybe then I'll even be a better person for it. Maybe I'll even be a better me. But right now? Well I'm just glad the voices have been quiet lately, just glad I seem to be making this trip all on my own.
So it's not yet noon, but fuck all I could use a drink already so here's to expensive scotch, cheap women, fast cars, and loud music. Here's to good times with good friends and even better times with the best of friends. Here's to having people you can count on, having people who know they can count on you, and having people worth missing. Here's to snow on the first day of spring. Here's to you...and here's to me.
Cheers.
Monday, March 16, 2009
24 and Go & The Immutable
24 & Go
Ignore the fact that I sound like I gargled with gravel this morning, ignore the fact that I'm several hundred dollars poorer with little to show for it, ignore the fact that our "vacation" involved the phrases "EMT", "ER", "Fracture", "Security Deposit", and "Alcohol Poisoning" and we were only out of town for a little over a day...ignore all that shit and I'm still doing pretty good.
So Boston was...interesting. I got the story telling out of my system last night and now I'm left to reflect on the fact that the trip didn't turn out worse than it did somehow. The hotel wasn't nice, but we weren't there much and they haven't charged us for the damages yet. We spent some time in a few cool bars. We discovered that Boston has the best bartenders ever (Nate loved Liz at Bleacher Bar, I thought Becky at House of Blues was sweet). In the end the fact that the trip involved only one visit to the emergency room and only a small amount of vomiting was a godsend. It really was a pretty decent time.
The ride up we were really moving, the ride back took a bit longer. I was pretty tired and the roads started getting a bit packed around Hartford. Add to that the fact that we had to go all the way up to Vernon and it was a bit of a hike.
As it turned out however there was no need to rush to get back. Antioch Team didn't pull together an activity in my absence and although I was disappointed in that I counted myself lucky that I at least got to see a good number of them this past Friday at the play.
It actually got me thinking of the last vacation I took. It's been over five years since that trip down South to New Orleans and Atlanta. Can't say I've seen the guys I went with in quite awhile either. But it was a good trip. I was rushing back from that one too though for something that materialized. That time around it was a radio show that got cancelled, this time it was just hanging out with some really cool kids. Kind of makes me smile that I've always had things worth rushing back to the real world for...even if they get cancelled entirely too often.
The Immutable
So last night I ended up at Wizards with Michelle and Collette. There were a couple people I've known for a long time there. Lots of laughs all around. At one point we were talking about gay men, I don't recall how the conversation started. And I told a story I hadn't told in a long while about sitting with two gay guys who were discussing when they first realized they were gay. Although I thought for sure I remembered their names last night I just couldn't think of them, and now I'm not entirely sure I remember them at all. I also started to notice while I was telling the story that I don't remember it all that well to begin with. I'm not even sure exactly where the story took place. Odd. I'm usually better than that. In the course of it though I described using it as inspiration for a part of a story I wrote once. I knew I never totally finished the story but I can't even find any of it now except a few of the exchanges I saved. So I think I want to go back and finish that one a bit. Which is nice because it will give me something to do now that I have absolutely nothing planned for awhile.
And the night did get stranger. The phrase, "I've never tasted person before" was used. The phrase, "I shit straight Red Bull" was used. The phrase, "We were all ok till it started wiggling" was used. And they all sounded as strange then as they do now. The question of how many dicks a man would have to suck before he was considered gay also came up (Answer: One). And we somehow ended up discussing a rec soccer team that we had played on over twenty years ago. It was just weird.
The weirdness didn't end though. I was exhausted by the time I got home and even though I only got a few hours of sleep they were productive ones. For some reason about a week ago I started having these weird time bending dreams. I'll be with people I know now, in a place I haven't been in for years, and then random anachronisms will pop up but seem normal to everyone else. Last night I found myself standing in the living room of my grandparent's house in Bayonne. I had just dropped the guys off from out trip and was finishing a conversation on my cellphone with someone I didn't even know when my family owned that house. While standing there in the living room I saw a little boy shuffle into the room, and then quickly retreat into the kitchen. He looked to be about four years old. I started to call out out to him, when my sister walked into the room. She looked to be about ten. She laughed at me then turned and yelled back into the kitchen, "Don't be afraid Danny. It's just Chris."
When the kid comes back to the doorway I realize it's my little brother back from when he was a toddler. He stands there and insists that he is seven years old. I can hear someone coming up the basement stairs, but they never seem to reach the top. I call someone to try and get my bearings, but they don't seem to understand what I'm asking.
That dream ends. Others begin right away.
And All Else...
So I've been listening to the entire Bo Burnham CD play over and over again in my head for the past few days. It's pretty damn funny. (And all you goddamn dirty Catholics can Catho-lick my balls!) I've got a ton of stuff to do around the house that I've really got to do so I can rent the place out next month. The current situation at work is getting worse and worse. Thankfully I've managed to straighten out so much in the past few years that this shouldn't be but another minor bump in the road. It's just really getting on my nerves. How much shit does one guy have to put up with. I could stop it, but I keep on hoping that it will eventually go away without a major confrontation.
Tonight I'm not drinking, tomorrow night I probably am. There's nothing really going on at all tonight so maybe I'll track down some trouble or maybe I'll just get some work in, get some exercise in, and call it an early night. We will see. Going to go out for just a little bit for St.Patrick's Day tomorrow, my mom's birthday is coming up, and I'd like to see "The Last House On The Left" not just because Tony is in it but because the original (which I waiver between recalling having seen and not) comes from the same era
Ignore the fact that I sound like I gargled with gravel this morning, ignore the fact that I'm several hundred dollars poorer with little to show for it, ignore the fact that our "vacation" involved the phrases "EMT", "ER", "Fracture", "Security Deposit", and "Alcohol Poisoning" and we were only out of town for a little over a day...ignore all that shit and I'm still doing pretty good.
So Boston was...interesting. I got the story telling out of my system last night and now I'm left to reflect on the fact that the trip didn't turn out worse than it did somehow. The hotel wasn't nice, but we weren't there much and they haven't charged us for the damages yet. We spent some time in a few cool bars. We discovered that Boston has the best bartenders ever (Nate loved Liz at Bleacher Bar, I thought Becky at House of Blues was sweet). In the end the fact that the trip involved only one visit to the emergency room and only a small amount of vomiting was a godsend. It really was a pretty decent time.
The ride up we were really moving, the ride back took a bit longer. I was pretty tired and the roads started getting a bit packed around Hartford. Add to that the fact that we had to go all the way up to Vernon and it was a bit of a hike.
As it turned out however there was no need to rush to get back. Antioch Team didn't pull together an activity in my absence and although I was disappointed in that I counted myself lucky that I at least got to see a good number of them this past Friday at the play.
It actually got me thinking of the last vacation I took. It's been over five years since that trip down South to New Orleans and Atlanta. Can't say I've seen the guys I went with in quite awhile either. But it was a good trip. I was rushing back from that one too though for something that materialized. That time around it was a radio show that got cancelled, this time it was just hanging out with some really cool kids. Kind of makes me smile that I've always had things worth rushing back to the real world for...even if they get cancelled entirely too often.
The Immutable
So last night I ended up at Wizards with Michelle and Collette. There were a couple people I've known for a long time there. Lots of laughs all around. At one point we were talking about gay men, I don't recall how the conversation started. And I told a story I hadn't told in a long while about sitting with two gay guys who were discussing when they first realized they were gay. Although I thought for sure I remembered their names last night I just couldn't think of them, and now I'm not entirely sure I remember them at all. I also started to notice while I was telling the story that I don't remember it all that well to begin with. I'm not even sure exactly where the story took place. Odd. I'm usually better than that. In the course of it though I described using it as inspiration for a part of a story I wrote once. I knew I never totally finished the story but I can't even find any of it now except a few of the exchanges I saved. So I think I want to go back and finish that one a bit. Which is nice because it will give me something to do now that I have absolutely nothing planned for awhile.
And the night did get stranger. The phrase, "I've never tasted person before" was used. The phrase, "I shit straight Red Bull" was used. The phrase, "We were all ok till it started wiggling" was used. And they all sounded as strange then as they do now. The question of how many dicks a man would have to suck before he was considered gay also came up (Answer: One). And we somehow ended up discussing a rec soccer team that we had played on over twenty years ago. It was just weird.
The weirdness didn't end though. I was exhausted by the time I got home and even though I only got a few hours of sleep they were productive ones. For some reason about a week ago I started having these weird time bending dreams. I'll be with people I know now, in a place I haven't been in for years, and then random anachronisms will pop up but seem normal to everyone else. Last night I found myself standing in the living room of my grandparent's house in Bayonne. I had just dropped the guys off from out trip and was finishing a conversation on my cellphone with someone I didn't even know when my family owned that house. While standing there in the living room I saw a little boy shuffle into the room, and then quickly retreat into the kitchen. He looked to be about four years old. I started to call out out to him, when my sister walked into the room. She looked to be about ten. She laughed at me then turned and yelled back into the kitchen, "Don't be afraid Danny. It's just Chris."
When the kid comes back to the doorway I realize it's my little brother back from when he was a toddler. He stands there and insists that he is seven years old. I can hear someone coming up the basement stairs, but they never seem to reach the top. I call someone to try and get my bearings, but they don't seem to understand what I'm asking.
That dream ends. Others begin right away.
And All Else...
So I've been listening to the entire Bo Burnham CD play over and over again in my head for the past few days. It's pretty damn funny. (And all you goddamn dirty Catholics can Catho-lick my balls!) I've got a ton of stuff to do around the house that I've really got to do so I can rent the place out next month. The current situation at work is getting worse and worse. Thankfully I've managed to straighten out so much in the past few years that this shouldn't be but another minor bump in the road. It's just really getting on my nerves. How much shit does one guy have to put up with. I could stop it, but I keep on hoping that it will eventually go away without a major confrontation.
Tonight I'm not drinking, tomorrow night I probably am. There's nothing really going on at all tonight so maybe I'll track down some trouble or maybe I'll just get some work in, get some exercise in, and call it an early night. We will see. Going to go out for just a little bit for St.Patrick's Day tomorrow, my mom's birthday is coming up, and I'd like to see "The Last House On The Left" not just because Tony is in it but because the original (which I waiver between recalling having seen and not) comes from the same era
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Whoa
So I'm blogging from the bathroom of the Best Western Inn at Longwood Medical up in Boston. ( Go room 616!) I don't want to wake House ( who is inexplicably my roomate) but I also don't want to wait for the rest of this day to go wrong before I post. Let's just put it this way... I friggin' hate Boston. I hate everything in Boston (except Becky the bartender but I sort of recall her saying she was from New Hampshire). So yeah, fucking ridiculously interesting & dangerous night. If I survive long enough to get out of Boston, I don't reckon I'll ever come back. Wish me luck.
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Last Bit's A Laugh
So here's the thing. Last night my mind wandered off leaving me sitting in a corner by myself listening to music that wasn't really playing and watching old movies on the inside of my eyelids. It was a bit of a trip. I was still feeling a bit ill so I called it an early night and was in bed before midnight. I couldn't sleep, not right away at least. So I sat there thinking as I tend to do so often nowadays. At some point I drifted off to sleep with much warning.
And then there were dreams. I can't even classify these, they jumped around so quickly I never really go a clear picture of when or where they were happening. But here they are. I'm not dropping names, because it gets weird sometimes. But try and keep up.
Dream A
There are three of us standing outside a huge modern cathedral. The sun is bright, the air is warm but not stifling. We're all wearing very sharp black suits with golden yellow flowers in our lapels. There is a fine mist over a garden of these golden yellow flowers between us and the stairway into the building. Someone is dead. This is a funeral.
Dream B
I'm sitting in a dark room, there is a woman I know sitting too close next to me. She isn't crying, but something is bothering her. I'm think it's that someone has died, but then I realize I'm not in the same world I was a minute ago. She touches my cheek and I don't recoil. She leans over to kiss me. This is wrong. We don't kiss. I stop her. She looks frightened.
Dream C
There is a donkey. Nothing else. Just a donkey. I'm not even there. It's just a donkey.
Dream B
My hand is on her stomach. I look at her in shock. She is surprised. How do I know she asks? It's too early for her to be showing, and the baby is too small to be kicking. How do I know? I just know. She leans into me. She tells me it's mine. I know it's not true. Only constant in my life? Even in my dreams I'm not getting laid. She insists it's mine. I chuckle. I'm starting to understand.
Dream D
We're driving in my car. There's a girl sitting next to me, two girls and a guy in the backseat, and two more guys in the trunk seat. It's crowded. We're all laughing, someone has just said something inappropriate. I chuckle. I think this dream has been thrown in to confuse me more. This seems so real while the others are all sort of fantastical. Not only could this be happening, but it's happened before, it will happen again. For a moment I wonder if this is the ground. If this is mean to confuse me more or just remind me that the other's are clearly dreams. Before I can think anymore I notice ambulance lights coming towards us, and police lights coming up behind us.
Dream A
I know who is dead. I can't believe it. I'm in shock. I'm sad, but I don't want to cry because I just can't believe it. It's not possible. A young blonde woman I don't know ushers me up the stairs with the guys and into the back door of the church. There are hundred of people I know there. I shake some hands, everyone looks sad, but no one is crying. They don't want to believe it either. It's just not possible. The cute young blonde woman brings me up to the altar and urges me to approach the podium. I'm giving the eulogy. I have a paper in my hand, it reads, "When I heard about the accident, I almost didn't believe it. He's not dead. I know he's not dead." I clear my throat to speak. The cute young blonde woman stops me, no one can find the body.
Dream D
I pull over so the cop car can get around me and I watch the ambulance go past. The police officer gets out of the car and approaches my window. It turns out it is a police woman and she is very pretty. Why are there so many pretty girls in my dreams tonight? Something tells me this is going to end up being a bad thing somehow.
Dream C
Yup, the donkey again.
Dream D
The pretty police officer tells me to step out of the car. The other people in my car look nervous. She asks me to step to the rear of the vehicle. Now I'm getting a bit nervous. When we're well out of ear shot she tells me she needs me. For a moment I'm thinking, "Oh, it's that kind of dream." But no such luck tonight. Apparently she needs me to save someone. I tell her she's got the wrong guy. She insists. When I look back my car is gone, but the people who were in it are left standing there. She tells me that they are going to help me, and that we are going to save everyone from him. I ask if she wants to come along and help. After all...without my car now we need a ride.
Dream B
Now she's crying. What is she going to do? How can she have a baby by herself? Who is going to look out for her? I'm starting to feel like a real heel. Ten second ago I was in a dream getting ready to save the world. Now I'm sitting in a dark room telling a woman I barely know that I can't do anything for her, that it's not my kid and not my problem. She's sobbing. She tells me he won't help, so I should. I'm startled, I didn't even know they still saw each other. And suddenly I know exactly whose kid it is.
Dream A
And now I'm at his funeral. My head is swimming. This is ridiculous. These dreams are all happening in different times, different worlds. Nothing is constant, but some things are crossing over. The pregnant woman is here, but she's not pregnant. Our eyes meet, I smile. She looks like she's going to cry. A priest I hadn't noticed before asks me if she's my lover. I laugh too loudly and it reverberates throughout the entire chapel. I notice the police woman sitting in a back pew, she seems very very far away. Despite myself I wave. She doesn't seem to know me.
Dream E
I'm in a large theater. There are a few people in the seats but not many. They all sit alone. It's dark, but there are still lights on. The curtain is closed, the show has not started. I'm walking down the aisle looking for a place to seat, many of the chairs are broken or missing altogether. There is no noise, but I can barely hear myself think. I notice that some of the people in the theater have no faces, and that others all have his face. I finally find a seat, and sink low into it. The curtain is drawn. There is fire. It burns.
Dream A
I recognize more and more of the people in the cathedral. The priest is getting impatient. The body should be here. We shouldn't have to wait. The cute blonde woman tells me it's time to start, with or without the body. I clear my throat, and watch as the casket rolls through the back door and makes its way unassisted up the center aisle. People stand and reach out to touch it. To pay their last respects. I know it's empty. I don't know whether to curse or smile. I begin to speak. The microphone isn't on. No one can hear me. I try again. And again. Still nothing. So finally I raise my voice and boom out across the entire building, "He's not dead. I know he's not dead. But he is here." People look angry...and then he waltzes in from one of the alcoves near the front of the cathedral. He's smiling and laughing and everyone is glad he's not dead. Despite myself I shake his hand. I'm about ready to put a bullet in him myself, until I remember that he's not the same guy that did all that horrible shit across the other dreams. He's not even the same guy that does shit to confound me in real life. In each and every dream these are entirely different people, they can't be held responsible for what their counterparts have done in other parts of my head. It's confusing, but I was confused to begin with. He waves at the crowd, and then turns back to me. He looks up at me and says, "You know none of it was me. It was all you. It was always you." And I want to strike him down right then and there...except I know I have to prove him wrong first.
Dream F
I'm having a discussion with someone about the difference between "except" and "accept". I feel like this has happened before, but I know it hasn't. I'm talking to someone else about something that's been bothering me. I'm trying to explain to someone else why I care so much about them, even though it doesn't make any sense. I'm telling someone I miss them. I'm showing someone a picture of me as a small child. I'm reading a comic book out loud. I'm quoting myself. I'm putting out a fire. I'm drinking milk. There is a red balloon, and an old dead actor dressed as a priest, and a donkey. That fucking donkey.
And it's quiet. And it's dark. And it's warm.
Then there is laughter.
Then there is nothing.
~
And then there were dreams. I can't even classify these, they jumped around so quickly I never really go a clear picture of when or where they were happening. But here they are. I'm not dropping names, because it gets weird sometimes. But try and keep up.
Dream A
There are three of us standing outside a huge modern cathedral. The sun is bright, the air is warm but not stifling. We're all wearing very sharp black suits with golden yellow flowers in our lapels. There is a fine mist over a garden of these golden yellow flowers between us and the stairway into the building. Someone is dead. This is a funeral.
Dream B
I'm sitting in a dark room, there is a woman I know sitting too close next to me. She isn't crying, but something is bothering her. I'm think it's that someone has died, but then I realize I'm not in the same world I was a minute ago. She touches my cheek and I don't recoil. She leans over to kiss me. This is wrong. We don't kiss. I stop her. She looks frightened.
Dream C
There is a donkey. Nothing else. Just a donkey. I'm not even there. It's just a donkey.
Dream B
My hand is on her stomach. I look at her in shock. She is surprised. How do I know she asks? It's too early for her to be showing, and the baby is too small to be kicking. How do I know? I just know. She leans into me. She tells me it's mine. I know it's not true. Only constant in my life? Even in my dreams I'm not getting laid. She insists it's mine. I chuckle. I'm starting to understand.
Dream D
We're driving in my car. There's a girl sitting next to me, two girls and a guy in the backseat, and two more guys in the trunk seat. It's crowded. We're all laughing, someone has just said something inappropriate. I chuckle. I think this dream has been thrown in to confuse me more. This seems so real while the others are all sort of fantastical. Not only could this be happening, but it's happened before, it will happen again. For a moment I wonder if this is the ground. If this is mean to confuse me more or just remind me that the other's are clearly dreams. Before I can think anymore I notice ambulance lights coming towards us, and police lights coming up behind us.
Dream A
I know who is dead. I can't believe it. I'm in shock. I'm sad, but I don't want to cry because I just can't believe it. It's not possible. A young blonde woman I don't know ushers me up the stairs with the guys and into the back door of the church. There are hundred of people I know there. I shake some hands, everyone looks sad, but no one is crying. They don't want to believe it either. It's just not possible. The cute young blonde woman brings me up to the altar and urges me to approach the podium. I'm giving the eulogy. I have a paper in my hand, it reads, "When I heard about the accident, I almost didn't believe it. He's not dead. I know he's not dead." I clear my throat to speak. The cute young blonde woman stops me, no one can find the body.
Dream D
I pull over so the cop car can get around me and I watch the ambulance go past. The police officer gets out of the car and approaches my window. It turns out it is a police woman and she is very pretty. Why are there so many pretty girls in my dreams tonight? Something tells me this is going to end up being a bad thing somehow.
Dream C
Yup, the donkey again.
Dream D
The pretty police officer tells me to step out of the car. The other people in my car look nervous. She asks me to step to the rear of the vehicle. Now I'm getting a bit nervous. When we're well out of ear shot she tells me she needs me. For a moment I'm thinking, "Oh, it's that kind of dream." But no such luck tonight. Apparently she needs me to save someone. I tell her she's got the wrong guy. She insists. When I look back my car is gone, but the people who were in it are left standing there. She tells me that they are going to help me, and that we are going to save everyone from him. I ask if she wants to come along and help. After all...without my car now we need a ride.
Dream B
Now she's crying. What is she going to do? How can she have a baby by herself? Who is going to look out for her? I'm starting to feel like a real heel. Ten second ago I was in a dream getting ready to save the world. Now I'm sitting in a dark room telling a woman I barely know that I can't do anything for her, that it's not my kid and not my problem. She's sobbing. She tells me he won't help, so I should. I'm startled, I didn't even know they still saw each other. And suddenly I know exactly whose kid it is.
Dream A
And now I'm at his funeral. My head is swimming. This is ridiculous. These dreams are all happening in different times, different worlds. Nothing is constant, but some things are crossing over. The pregnant woman is here, but she's not pregnant. Our eyes meet, I smile. She looks like she's going to cry. A priest I hadn't noticed before asks me if she's my lover. I laugh too loudly and it reverberates throughout the entire chapel. I notice the police woman sitting in a back pew, she seems very very far away. Despite myself I wave. She doesn't seem to know me.
Dream E
I'm in a large theater. There are a few people in the seats but not many. They all sit alone. It's dark, but there are still lights on. The curtain is closed, the show has not started. I'm walking down the aisle looking for a place to seat, many of the chairs are broken or missing altogether. There is no noise, but I can barely hear myself think. I notice that some of the people in the theater have no faces, and that others all have his face. I finally find a seat, and sink low into it. The curtain is drawn. There is fire. It burns.
Dream A
I recognize more and more of the people in the cathedral. The priest is getting impatient. The body should be here. We shouldn't have to wait. The cute blonde woman tells me it's time to start, with or without the body. I clear my throat, and watch as the casket rolls through the back door and makes its way unassisted up the center aisle. People stand and reach out to touch it. To pay their last respects. I know it's empty. I don't know whether to curse or smile. I begin to speak. The microphone isn't on. No one can hear me. I try again. And again. Still nothing. So finally I raise my voice and boom out across the entire building, "He's not dead. I know he's not dead. But he is here." People look angry...and then he waltzes in from one of the alcoves near the front of the cathedral. He's smiling and laughing and everyone is glad he's not dead. Despite myself I shake his hand. I'm about ready to put a bullet in him myself, until I remember that he's not the same guy that did all that horrible shit across the other dreams. He's not even the same guy that does shit to confound me in real life. In each and every dream these are entirely different people, they can't be held responsible for what their counterparts have done in other parts of my head. It's confusing, but I was confused to begin with. He waves at the crowd, and then turns back to me. He looks up at me and says, "You know none of it was me. It was all you. It was always you." And I want to strike him down right then and there...except I know I have to prove him wrong first.
Dream F
I'm having a discussion with someone about the difference between "except" and "accept". I feel like this has happened before, but I know it hasn't. I'm talking to someone else about something that's been bothering me. I'm trying to explain to someone else why I care so much about them, even though it doesn't make any sense. I'm telling someone I miss them. I'm showing someone a picture of me as a small child. I'm reading a comic book out loud. I'm quoting myself. I'm putting out a fire. I'm drinking milk. There is a red balloon, and an old dead actor dressed as a priest, and a donkey. That fucking donkey.
And it's quiet. And it's dark. And it's warm.
Then there is laughter.
Then there is nothing.
~
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Weekend Wanderlust & Watchmen Weview
Alright, so I've been sitting on it thinking about it for the last few days, and now I've got my head around it here's my ever so brief Watchmen review:
Watchmen
I think I almost cried when Watchmen finally started the other afternoon. I was so excited to see the damn film that I almost broke out in tears of joy. It took about fifteen second for that to change to damn near tears of despair. So the opening sequence was pretty damn cool, it looked great, but right from the get-go it felt off. It just didn't feel right. Three hours later it felt just as wrong.
First off the movie looked great. It was a well shot film. The action sequences, while lacking the visceral quality that made 300 so excellent, were well done. There were very few comedic moments, but the few that there were worked fairly well. As far as acting goes Patrick Wilson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan were good. Jackie Earle Haley and Billy Crudup were great. And Malin Akerman and Matthew Goode were bad, although the later suffered from lack of screen time and character development while the prior just made us all suffer despite the fact that she looked pretty hot, got naked, and had nice hair.
My big problem is that the story just never came together. It was really tough to care about characters in the film that in the comic you grew to really care about. I don't understand Zack Snyder's choices either. Cut out the island story line and Tales of the Black Freighter, got it. Those would take up huge amounts of time. Eliminate the squid alien, got it. Would seem a little out of place. But make what you replace those with make more sense. It just didn't work.
I liked the movie, I wanted to love it. I don't hold the fact that it didn't live up to the brilliance of the comic against it. The comic was all about what it made you think and feel. The movie just wanted to pay homage to that, and in a lot of ways it did. What I hold against the film is that the people who I brought to see it will never read the comic now because the movie just didn't work. They won't understand. Snyder tried to duplicate the results of the book. A noble effort indeed. But he would have done better to make a movie that made people want to read the comic. Even if it meant dumbing it down a bit, even if it meant simplifying the story line so that it made more sense to people not in the know, even if it meant aiming to make a really good movie instead of a great one. He didn't do that. So, yeah, I liked the movie, but I never came close to loving it.
Weekend Wanderlust
So last Saturday was the first night in weeks that I hadn't gone out and done something one way or the other. This week I haven't been out at all since Sunday. I'm still good though. Tomorrow night is the Manchester play so some of us Antioch people are going to that. Saturday I'm heading up to Boston with the guys to catch a Dropkick Murphys concert and go to the St.Patrick's Day parade. I was really excited when we first decided to do this. Not so much anymore. I've been under the weather all week and I'm praying I feel better by Saturday. Sean's already got a conflict with work so who knows what he's doing. I suddenly remembered that I haven't been to a real concert in damn near a decade and that I absolutely hate parades. But it is Boston, and this will be the furthest from home I've gone for more than a few hours in over five years. First time I've slept anywhere but my house or the church for Antioch in nearly five years. The first "vacation" I've had in five years. You get where I'm going here? It's been awhile.
Now some of the Antioch people might be getting together on Sunday, and I'm absolutely devastated that I'm going to miss that. I don't very often miss things the whole group is invited too, and I hate to start now. But things are different. You see there's always this count with me. Always this idea in my head that say anything I miss can't be replaced. You know like, there's fifteen more things we can do as a group, if I miss one there's only fourteen. If I miss another there's only thirteen and so on and so on. But I know that's not happening with this group. We've got too many things ahead of us to count. I sort of like that. So yeah I'll miss Sunday, and I'll still be pissed off that I do. But there will be other days. There will always be other days.
In other news. When I just hopped on the scale I weighed in at 363 lbs. That's 32 lbs. less than I was at the start of January. To be fair it's also only 2 lbs. less then what I weighed two weeks ago, but I've gone back and forth a lot since then and I haven't been trying nearly as hard as I should. So yeah, I'm making progress. I should be making more. And I'm going to have to take a good long look at whatever it is I try next.
So yeah, that's all for now. My head is still congested and I sort of feel like shit. Add to that the fact that I've put in a few late nights this week at the office and not been able to sleep and you could see why the drive up to Boston on Saturday is seeming pretty daunting. Not going to worry about that right this second though, I've got other things to do.
Watchmen
I think I almost cried when Watchmen finally started the other afternoon. I was so excited to see the damn film that I almost broke out in tears of joy. It took about fifteen second for that to change to damn near tears of despair. So the opening sequence was pretty damn cool, it looked great, but right from the get-go it felt off. It just didn't feel right. Three hours later it felt just as wrong.
First off the movie looked great. It was a well shot film. The action sequences, while lacking the visceral quality that made 300 so excellent, were well done. There were very few comedic moments, but the few that there were worked fairly well. As far as acting goes Patrick Wilson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan were good. Jackie Earle Haley and Billy Crudup were great. And Malin Akerman and Matthew Goode were bad, although the later suffered from lack of screen time and character development while the prior just made us all suffer despite the fact that she looked pretty hot, got naked, and had nice hair.
My big problem is that the story just never came together. It was really tough to care about characters in the film that in the comic you grew to really care about. I don't understand Zack Snyder's choices either. Cut out the island story line and Tales of the Black Freighter, got it. Those would take up huge amounts of time. Eliminate the squid alien, got it. Would seem a little out of place. But make what you replace those with make more sense. It just didn't work.
I liked the movie, I wanted to love it. I don't hold the fact that it didn't live up to the brilliance of the comic against it. The comic was all about what it made you think and feel. The movie just wanted to pay homage to that, and in a lot of ways it did. What I hold against the film is that the people who I brought to see it will never read the comic now because the movie just didn't work. They won't understand. Snyder tried to duplicate the results of the book. A noble effort indeed. But he would have done better to make a movie that made people want to read the comic. Even if it meant dumbing it down a bit, even if it meant simplifying the story line so that it made more sense to people not in the know, even if it meant aiming to make a really good movie instead of a great one. He didn't do that. So, yeah, I liked the movie, but I never came close to loving it.
Weekend Wanderlust
So last Saturday was the first night in weeks that I hadn't gone out and done something one way or the other. This week I haven't been out at all since Sunday. I'm still good though. Tomorrow night is the Manchester play so some of us Antioch people are going to that. Saturday I'm heading up to Boston with the guys to catch a Dropkick Murphys concert and go to the St.Patrick's Day parade. I was really excited when we first decided to do this. Not so much anymore. I've been under the weather all week and I'm praying I feel better by Saturday. Sean's already got a conflict with work so who knows what he's doing. I suddenly remembered that I haven't been to a real concert in damn near a decade and that I absolutely hate parades. But it is Boston, and this will be the furthest from home I've gone for more than a few hours in over five years. First time I've slept anywhere but my house or the church for Antioch in nearly five years. The first "vacation" I've had in five years. You get where I'm going here? It's been awhile.
Now some of the Antioch people might be getting together on Sunday, and I'm absolutely devastated that I'm going to miss that. I don't very often miss things the whole group is invited too, and I hate to start now. But things are different. You see there's always this count with me. Always this idea in my head that say anything I miss can't be replaced. You know like, there's fifteen more things we can do as a group, if I miss one there's only fourteen. If I miss another there's only thirteen and so on and so on. But I know that's not happening with this group. We've got too many things ahead of us to count. I sort of like that. So yeah I'll miss Sunday, and I'll still be pissed off that I do. But there will be other days. There will always be other days.
In other news. When I just hopped on the scale I weighed in at 363 lbs. That's 32 lbs. less than I was at the start of January. To be fair it's also only 2 lbs. less then what I weighed two weeks ago, but I've gone back and forth a lot since then and I haven't been trying nearly as hard as I should. So yeah, I'm making progress. I should be making more. And I'm going to have to take a good long look at whatever it is I try next.
So yeah, that's all for now. My head is still congested and I sort of feel like shit. Add to that the fact that I've put in a few late nights this week at the office and not been able to sleep and you could see why the drive up to Boston on Saturday is seeming pretty daunting. Not going to worry about that right this second though, I've got other things to do.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
63 - Recurrence
I was beginning to fall of a little today until just this moment. As I stared in the mirror at my ever worsening receeding hair line I was beginning to think about calling an end to the streak, just on principal. I refuse to fudge days. I refuse to call a day a win when it's really a push, or worse even a loss. This above all to thine ownself be true. You know what I'm saying? Gotta call a spade a spade, and this day was really starting to feel like a spade. When a filet-o-fish with cheese and listening to a Louis C.K. album can't put a smile on my face you know I'm pretty well frigged.
But then I started thinking about it. I mean really thinking about it.
My biggest problems today? My head is congested. My lips are chapped. I didn't make it to the dry cleaner. The go-go dancer I practically have on retainer didn't call me even though I know she's working.
These were my problems today. That's it.
Really? Really Chris? You're going to let this beat you?
Little kids are dying in Iraq, people are starving in Africa, unemployment is at an all time high, I'm watching the lives of dear friends collapse around them and my biggest problems are that I'll have to drink by myself tonight, I'm fresh out of clean black shirts, and I can't find my fucking chapstick.
Come on! Are you fucking kidding me? Is this all you've got Boss? Because quite frankly it's going to take a hell of a lot more than this to throw me off my game. You may have had me fooled for just a little bit pal, but I'm not going out like that.
So you know what? I'm not going to drink tonight, I'm wearing corduroys and a purple t-shirt to my meeting tomorrow morning, and I'll buy some new motherfucking chapstick. Problems solved!
Now fuck off for awhile while I try to get rid of this headache.
~
Amazing Footnotes: Did you know they make a double filet-o-fish with cheese now? And even in my darkest moment I can't help but laugh at the following Louis C.K. joke, "You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated. Like how long you waited. And for me it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it. I had to. Otherwise they win. That's the way I was looking at it at the time. It was a strange time for all of us. I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome. But I just couldn't do it. A boner's a boner. It had to go."
But then I started thinking about it. I mean really thinking about it.
My biggest problems today? My head is congested. My lips are chapped. I didn't make it to the dry cleaner. The go-go dancer I practically have on retainer didn't call me even though I know she's working.
These were my problems today. That's it.
Really? Really Chris? You're going to let this beat you?
Little kids are dying in Iraq, people are starving in Africa, unemployment is at an all time high, I'm watching the lives of dear friends collapse around them and my biggest problems are that I'll have to drink by myself tonight, I'm fresh out of clean black shirts, and I can't find my fucking chapstick.
Come on! Are you fucking kidding me? Is this all you've got Boss? Because quite frankly it's going to take a hell of a lot more than this to throw me off my game. You may have had me fooled for just a little bit pal, but I'm not going out like that.
So you know what? I'm not going to drink tonight, I'm wearing corduroys and a purple t-shirt to my meeting tomorrow morning, and I'll buy some new motherfucking chapstick. Problems solved!
Now fuck off for awhile while I try to get rid of this headache.
~
Amazing Footnotes: Did you know they make a double filet-o-fish with cheese now? And even in my darkest moment I can't help but laugh at the following Louis C.K. joke, "You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated. Like how long you waited. And for me it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it. I had to. Otherwise they win. That's the way I was looking at it at the time. It was a strange time for all of us. I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome. But I just couldn't do it. A boner's a boner. It had to go."
A Rather Rocky Re-Entry
Outrageous Outrage
I can't even get angry it's so totally expected. I'm getting fucked on the business again. The Kid worked one hour on Wednesday and two hours on Saturday and got paid a full day in both cases. It's almost unbelievable. Add to that the fact that the old man just isn't very honest with me when it comes to anything and I should be getting pretty pissed off. But I'm not. You can't get all upset when shitty things happen. You just hold your own and wait for your opportunities. In the meantime you just keep on doing what has to be done.
Marinating Watchmen
I still haven't finished thinking about Watchmen. I was talking about it for a bit yesterday and it got me starting thinking about even more things. So still no in-depth review. Just going to keep thinking on it, and thinking on it, and thinking on it. A movie that makes me think this much was totally worth the $18 IMAX ticket. Of course I paid for 17 people to go. So...I've got some more thinking to do.
The Slippery Slope
So I wasn't feeling well last night. Not even that I felt all that sick, just that I was still pretty congested and my head was starting to fall off. I was exhausted right up until I actually decided to go to bed and then I couldn't sleep at all. I found myself sitting up watching a movie I had no interest in watching. Then I found myself trying to sleep again...and still not being able to fall asleep. This does happen fairly regularly, I just wasn't expecting it today. Things had been going well. And suddenly it's one in the morning and I just wish I could pick up the phone and call someone. Just wish there was a connection I could make to get me out of my head for just a a moment. But there wasn't, and there isn't. And for a split second I felt totally alone and distraught. Then just as quickly as that feeling came, it passed. And I was left looking around the room as the shapes of the shadows shifted on the walls, as the air grew thick and slow, ideas hanging down from the ceiling fan blades like thick green vines reaching out to grab me. For a moment I was afraid that the Old Ghosts were up to their old tricks but I quickly realized that something was different, and as I moved across the room I felt the entire world change and I knew what was happening was happening for a reason. Which made a world of difference from the way things used to be. If there's a reason then the riddle can be unraveled. If there's a reason all I need is enough time to figure it out.
Conclusion
I started this entry damn near nine hours ago. When I started I felt like death warmed over, now I just feel sort of eh. So that's improvement. I wasn't planning on going out tonight, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed that I ended up not having anywhere to go. There's a certain minor new development here that makes that all the worse, but I'm not going to get into that right now. Right now I'm going to spend a little more time cracking on the books, a little more time marveling at how quickly I'm going bald, and a little more time trying to stand the fuck up before I call it a night and head home. When I get there hopefully I can breathe well enough to get back on the treadmill and I may or may not have something to eat.
So, yeah, still kicking. Bout all I can ask for right now.
Unless inspiration strikes that's all I've got for now...'night all.
I can't even get angry it's so totally expected. I'm getting fucked on the business again. The Kid worked one hour on Wednesday and two hours on Saturday and got paid a full day in both cases. It's almost unbelievable. Add to that the fact that the old man just isn't very honest with me when it comes to anything and I should be getting pretty pissed off. But I'm not. You can't get all upset when shitty things happen. You just hold your own and wait for your opportunities. In the meantime you just keep on doing what has to be done.
Marinating Watchmen
I still haven't finished thinking about Watchmen. I was talking about it for a bit yesterday and it got me starting thinking about even more things. So still no in-depth review. Just going to keep thinking on it, and thinking on it, and thinking on it. A movie that makes me think this much was totally worth the $18 IMAX ticket. Of course I paid for 17 people to go. So...I've got some more thinking to do.
The Slippery Slope
So I wasn't feeling well last night. Not even that I felt all that sick, just that I was still pretty congested and my head was starting to fall off. I was exhausted right up until I actually decided to go to bed and then I couldn't sleep at all. I found myself sitting up watching a movie I had no interest in watching. Then I found myself trying to sleep again...and still not being able to fall asleep. This does happen fairly regularly, I just wasn't expecting it today. Things had been going well. And suddenly it's one in the morning and I just wish I could pick up the phone and call someone. Just wish there was a connection I could make to get me out of my head for just a a moment. But there wasn't, and there isn't. And for a split second I felt totally alone and distraught. Then just as quickly as that feeling came, it passed. And I was left looking around the room as the shapes of the shadows shifted on the walls, as the air grew thick and slow, ideas hanging down from the ceiling fan blades like thick green vines reaching out to grab me. For a moment I was afraid that the Old Ghosts were up to their old tricks but I quickly realized that something was different, and as I moved across the room I felt the entire world change and I knew what was happening was happening for a reason. Which made a world of difference from the way things used to be. If there's a reason then the riddle can be unraveled. If there's a reason all I need is enough time to figure it out.
Conclusion
I started this entry damn near nine hours ago. When I started I felt like death warmed over, now I just feel sort of eh. So that's improvement. I wasn't planning on going out tonight, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed that I ended up not having anywhere to go. There's a certain minor new development here that makes that all the worse, but I'm not going to get into that right now. Right now I'm going to spend a little more time cracking on the books, a little more time marveling at how quickly I'm going bald, and a little more time trying to stand the fuck up before I call it a night and head home. When I get there hopefully I can breathe well enough to get back on the treadmill and I may or may not have something to eat.
So, yeah, still kicking. Bout all I can ask for right now.
Unless inspiration strikes that's all I've got for now...'night all.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Weekend of The Gods Ad Infinitum: Watchmen & The Daylight Saving Conundrum
I'm not feeling very well today. I float between one minute my head being clear and the next being congested with all sorts of shit that brings me down rather quickly. I think I've got a cold as well.
Saturday night was close to being a streak breaker, but the good will and resonating bizarreness of the previous week kept it from sliding into the loss column. Yesterday was a great day among great days because I got to spend so much of it with good friends having a good time. There's always some shit going on just under the surface but yesterday I think most of it stayed buried deep enough down below that we spent most of our time laughing uproariously at things that would make normal people blush. Come to think of it most of the things said made me blush...and I'm not even all that normal.
These last few days have even seen a few things go down which may in one way or the other change my life just a bit. Some helped solidify the routines I have already fallen into while others shook me loose of yet more familiar routines. Not sure what, if any, impact these things will have on me in the long run. That is of course assuming there is a long run.
So all in all...I have no idea how exactly the past seven days have gone. I just know that right now, it all looks pretty good. Even if I do feel that precipitous drop off coming entirely too quickly.
Oh...and I saw Watchmen. And I would have quite a bit to say about it except I can't quite stop my hands from shaking and I can't breathe without tipping my head back at an angle that gives me a headache when I look out the bottom of my eyes at the computer monitor. So I will shorten up my review until I'm feeling better. So here we go...my review of Watchmen.
I liked it. I didn't love it. But I liked it. No one else I went with liked it all that much. I get that.
Also: there was too much cock in the film. I like my movies with less cock. I don't really think I should have to explain that to anyone. It should just make sense.
Saturday night was close to being a streak breaker, but the good will and resonating bizarreness of the previous week kept it from sliding into the loss column. Yesterday was a great day among great days because I got to spend so much of it with good friends having a good time. There's always some shit going on just under the surface but yesterday I think most of it stayed buried deep enough down below that we spent most of our time laughing uproariously at things that would make normal people blush. Come to think of it most of the things said made me blush...and I'm not even all that normal.
These last few days have even seen a few things go down which may in one way or the other change my life just a bit. Some helped solidify the routines I have already fallen into while others shook me loose of yet more familiar routines. Not sure what, if any, impact these things will have on me in the long run. That is of course assuming there is a long run.
So all in all...I have no idea how exactly the past seven days have gone. I just know that right now, it all looks pretty good. Even if I do feel that precipitous drop off coming entirely too quickly.
Oh...and I saw Watchmen. And I would have quite a bit to say about it except I can't quite stop my hands from shaking and I can't breathe without tipping my head back at an angle that gives me a headache when I look out the bottom of my eyes at the computer monitor. So I will shorten up my review until I'm feeling better. So here we go...my review of Watchmen.
I liked it. I didn't love it. But I liked it. No one else I went with liked it all that much. I get that.
Also: there was too much cock in the film. I like my movies with less cock. I don't really think I should have to explain that to anyone. It should just make sense.
GuhDamn
I'm not feeling very well just this second. I've been congested since yeserday and most of last night I sort of felt like rolling over and dying. Couple that with the fact that my computer is running ridiculously slow and it's making it sort of difficult to type. I'm not thinking as clearly as I usually would mostly because I'm having a hard time breathing. So writing this entry is becoming problematic.
I wanted to write a little more about how bizarre my weekend was, write a little about my feelings on finally having seen Watchmen, write a little about how hilarious most of yesterday was. I guess I wanted to write a little about a lot, but I can't quite think that clearly when it feels like my head is about to explode. I was also contemplating going out for a drink tonight, but since drinking and breathing right this moment seem rather mutually exclusive I'll probably just call it a very early night when I get out of work.
Either that or I'll sit here and pray for my head to clear in the next several hours and then make a run at stirring up some trouble in all those fantastic ways I know how.
I wanted to write a little more about how bizarre my weekend was, write a little about my feelings on finally having seen Watchmen, write a little about how hilarious most of yesterday was. I guess I wanted to write a little about a lot, but I can't quite think that clearly when it feels like my head is about to explode. I was also contemplating going out for a drink tonight, but since drinking and breathing right this moment seem rather mutually exclusive I'll probably just call it a very early night when I get out of work.
Either that or I'll sit here and pray for my head to clear in the next several hours and then make a run at stirring up some trouble in all those fantastic ways I know how.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Knights
So this one time in college I was standing outside of this pizza place trying to explain something to a friend of mine. The kid just wasn't getting it. I wasn't really yelling at him because I wasn't really mad at him, but I had to seem sort of mad so he got the point. While we're standing there I notice there's a black BMW rolling down the street...with no one behind the wheel.
Now it's not moving very fast at all. I mean it's rolling down a flat street, looks like the guy forgot to put it in park when he got out to run in and grab a slice. It's not going to hurt anyone, but it will likely bounce off the next car parked down the street or roll over the curb and into the building. So I tell the kid I'm yelling at to hold on a second and I do what sort of seems natural at the time and step out into the street directly in front of the car, plant my leg on the ground and stop the car cold. Leaning against the car so it doesn't roll away again I turn my head back towards the kid I was talking to and pick up the lecture without missing a beat. The guy in the BMW comes running back out of the pizza place, thanks me profusely and drives away.
I was feeling pretty good about myself after that, I'd sorted a problem with my friend. Saved some guy the headache of his car banging something up, and actually did something while a whole bunch of people stood around doing nothing. But later on that night (this night actually:What I Didn't Do Tonight) I had a bad feeling about something and did nothing about it. Even though nothing came of it I chastised myself for not being more courageous. For not trying to guarantee nothing went wrong. I was pissed because I did nothing when I could have done something.
You don't get many chances to be brave or daring when you're a god damn desk jockey at a school bus company, but I like to think I make the most of mine. And it pisses me off when I don't. You need look no further than my post from last month when I chickened out and couldn't say hello to Whitney Matheson when she was standing three feet away from me as an example of my still lacking sense of courage.
Friday night I had another chance to be brave and instead I was just fucking apathetic. Shame on me again.
We were in the diner a little after two in the morning and all of a sudden a fight breaks out near the entrance. At first we all think it's just a little scuffle but then some kid comes back in with his shirt covered in blood. We hear shit breaking out in the hall. There's a lot of yelling. No one seems to be all that concerned yet. This is New Jersey afterall.
But then the lady who works the register starts getting all worked up and starts to get in between these four or five guys who are fighting. Now we have a problem.
We were all perfectly happy to sit there and watch the fight, no one was going to get involved. And here's this short little older woman with a metal serving spoon diving head long into the melee. At this point we're all standing, one of my friends (who is a bit tippsy) decides she's going to stop the register woman from getting hurt. Noble idea. Stupid too. Now there are several of us trying to get both women to back away from the fray. Now one of the bleeding guys is standing next to me screaming he's getting ready to throw chairs. Everyone there just sort of looks at him like, "Really?" Now I'm standing right near the fight with a waitress, the register lady, and two guys I've never seen before in my life. We're all trying to get the register lady to back away, but she's still dead set on diving right into it. One group of guys has now been pushed outside the diner door and the register lady is trying to hold the door shut from the inside so they can't get back in. I finally manage to pull her away and one of the other guys gets her back inside. Of course now I'm stuck holding the door shut as this one guy repeatedly tries to pull it open and/or kick the glass in. It was sort of amusing. But now that I see these kids up close my first thought is that if any one of us sitting inside had gotten up a few minutes earlier instead of sitting and watching it would have never gotten as out of control as it did. As the kids take off I stand in the parking lot with a waitress and an off duty cop and read off his license plate number. Then I go back inside and shake my head because I failed to do my part yet again. I could have done something and instead I did nothing. Fuck.
Didn't seem like anyone got hurt too bad, not too much damage to the diner either. So it's sort of a no harm, no foul situation. But I still feel shitty about not getting involved. Maybe it was the smart thing to do, but that doesn't make it the right thing to have done.
Today was a pretty iffy day as well. If it wasn't for the radiating swell of last night and the curiosity of the post midnight going ons this day might have been the first in the loss column in awhile. Instead the streak lives on...but barely. I was hoping the guys would be around tonight, but they weren't. I could have gone and visited an "old friend" for their first day at a new place, but there were a few mitigating circumstances and I was a bit beat (and sickly to boot). Instead I slipped and slipped and got worse and worse up until I got a call about a breakdown and had to run out and try to fix things.
Funny how trying to fix things makes me feel better.
So now it's getting late and I've got an early morning and a long day ahead of me tomorrow, so I'll shake my head once more at the strangeness that is my life and call it a night.
What a waste of an entry.
Shit.
Now it's not moving very fast at all. I mean it's rolling down a flat street, looks like the guy forgot to put it in park when he got out to run in and grab a slice. It's not going to hurt anyone, but it will likely bounce off the next car parked down the street or roll over the curb and into the building. So I tell the kid I'm yelling at to hold on a second and I do what sort of seems natural at the time and step out into the street directly in front of the car, plant my leg on the ground and stop the car cold. Leaning against the car so it doesn't roll away again I turn my head back towards the kid I was talking to and pick up the lecture without missing a beat. The guy in the BMW comes running back out of the pizza place, thanks me profusely and drives away.
I was feeling pretty good about myself after that, I'd sorted a problem with my friend. Saved some guy the headache of his car banging something up, and actually did something while a whole bunch of people stood around doing nothing. But later on that night (this night actually:What I Didn't Do Tonight) I had a bad feeling about something and did nothing about it. Even though nothing came of it I chastised myself for not being more courageous. For not trying to guarantee nothing went wrong. I was pissed because I did nothing when I could have done something.
You don't get many chances to be brave or daring when you're a god damn desk jockey at a school bus company, but I like to think I make the most of mine. And it pisses me off when I don't. You need look no further than my post from last month when I chickened out and couldn't say hello to Whitney Matheson when she was standing three feet away from me as an example of my still lacking sense of courage.
Friday night I had another chance to be brave and instead I was just fucking apathetic. Shame on me again.
We were in the diner a little after two in the morning and all of a sudden a fight breaks out near the entrance. At first we all think it's just a little scuffle but then some kid comes back in with his shirt covered in blood. We hear shit breaking out in the hall. There's a lot of yelling. No one seems to be all that concerned yet. This is New Jersey afterall.
But then the lady who works the register starts getting all worked up and starts to get in between these four or five guys who are fighting. Now we have a problem.
We were all perfectly happy to sit there and watch the fight, no one was going to get involved. And here's this short little older woman with a metal serving spoon diving head long into the melee. At this point we're all standing, one of my friends (who is a bit tippsy) decides she's going to stop the register woman from getting hurt. Noble idea. Stupid too. Now there are several of us trying to get both women to back away from the fray. Now one of the bleeding guys is standing next to me screaming he's getting ready to throw chairs. Everyone there just sort of looks at him like, "Really?" Now I'm standing right near the fight with a waitress, the register lady, and two guys I've never seen before in my life. We're all trying to get the register lady to back away, but she's still dead set on diving right into it. One group of guys has now been pushed outside the diner door and the register lady is trying to hold the door shut from the inside so they can't get back in. I finally manage to pull her away and one of the other guys gets her back inside. Of course now I'm stuck holding the door shut as this one guy repeatedly tries to pull it open and/or kick the glass in. It was sort of amusing. But now that I see these kids up close my first thought is that if any one of us sitting inside had gotten up a few minutes earlier instead of sitting and watching it would have never gotten as out of control as it did. As the kids take off I stand in the parking lot with a waitress and an off duty cop and read off his license plate number. Then I go back inside and shake my head because I failed to do my part yet again. I could have done something and instead I did nothing. Fuck.
Didn't seem like anyone got hurt too bad, not too much damage to the diner either. So it's sort of a no harm, no foul situation. But I still feel shitty about not getting involved. Maybe it was the smart thing to do, but that doesn't make it the right thing to have done.
Today was a pretty iffy day as well. If it wasn't for the radiating swell of last night and the curiosity of the post midnight going ons this day might have been the first in the loss column in awhile. Instead the streak lives on...but barely. I was hoping the guys would be around tonight, but they weren't. I could have gone and visited an "old friend" for their first day at a new place, but there were a few mitigating circumstances and I was a bit beat (and sickly to boot). Instead I slipped and slipped and got worse and worse up until I got a call about a breakdown and had to run out and try to fix things.
Funny how trying to fix things makes me feel better.
So now it's getting late and I've got an early morning and a long day ahead of me tomorrow, so I'll shake my head once more at the strangeness that is my life and call it a night.
What a waste of an entry.
Shit.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Just Like Buddy Holly
Well...it was an interesting night.
Tonight has the potential to be just as interesting, but something tells me I'll be sitting this one out. Bunch of people went down to Hoboken for the parade and that's not really my thing. Have a few other options, but I'm beginning to wonder if I just need to sit home by myself for a bit tonight. Could do me some good.
Tomorrow afternoon some people have dropped out of going to the movie with us which means I now have three extra tickets. Going to have to call around and see if I can get anyone to come. Still looking forward to seeing it even though now I'm hearing mixed reviews from people I know who saw it. I was standing at the bar last night talking to this girl who was telling me who great it was, I turn around and start talking to this guy sitting next to me and he tells me how horrible it was. That's sort of how this has been going in a nutshell since the film came out. I really have no idea if it will be good or not.
So anyway, yeah, I think no matter how the next day or two goes this will have been an ok weekend. I mean last night involved people dressing up in goofy 80's gear (not me of course), a fair amount of drinking, hanging out with some good people, a series of increasingly odd messages, and a tussle at a diner at three in the morning. I mean, come on, what more can a guy ask for?
Tonight has the potential to be just as interesting, but something tells me I'll be sitting this one out. Bunch of people went down to Hoboken for the parade and that's not really my thing. Have a few other options, but I'm beginning to wonder if I just need to sit home by myself for a bit tonight. Could do me some good.
Tomorrow afternoon some people have dropped out of going to the movie with us which means I now have three extra tickets. Going to have to call around and see if I can get anyone to come. Still looking forward to seeing it even though now I'm hearing mixed reviews from people I know who saw it. I was standing at the bar last night talking to this girl who was telling me who great it was, I turn around and start talking to this guy sitting next to me and he tells me how horrible it was. That's sort of how this has been going in a nutshell since the film came out. I really have no idea if it will be good or not.
So anyway, yeah, I think no matter how the next day or two goes this will have been an ok weekend. I mean last night involved people dressing up in goofy 80's gear (not me of course), a fair amount of drinking, hanging out with some good people, a series of increasingly odd messages, and a tussle at a diner at three in the morning. I mean, come on, what more can a guy ask for?
Friday, March 6, 2009
Lost Posts Found: "For You"
Last night I paid a visit and in doing so ended up having a pretty good conversation. At some point during the evening something compelled me to share a theory that I've held for quite awhile. These little visits are great times for things like this, one it lets me flush out an idea and two no matter how stupid it sounds I pay well so it doesn't actually matter. Last night I explained why "For You" are the two most powerful words in the English language. It went over pretty well. Maybe it was the bourbon, maybe it was just the general mood, but I thought I sold the idea fairly strongly. So when I got home I went back looking for the original post in which I explained my theory. Only to find that it isn't there. Apparently "For You" had fallen into the category of "Lost Posts" and this entry (Quotes From Lost Posts) was all I could find of it. So with a little help from some old notes, and tracking down a bit of an original draft, with a minor bit of synthesis from the conversation last night I present to you for the first time in it's complete form the introduction to "For You":
For You: An Introduction
For you? Of course...
Normally I wouldn't do that, but for you...
For you? Anything...
Don't tell anybody else, I'm only doing this for you...
The regular customers get the cheap stuff, but for you we'll break out the good stuff.
That's not a great deal for me, but we'll do it, only because it's for you...
For you...the two most powerful words in the English language.
There's a sucker born every minute, but every minute there are a few hundred other dopey bastards born who will probably fall for it too. Half of them know it's bullshit, but you're giving them what they want so they're happy anyway. They'll always remember you as the guy that gave them what they want even if it's not what they really wanted in the first place. The other half really think they're special. You score double points. You're giving them what they think they want, and you're doing it almost as a personal favor to them.
How much is this watch? For you only forty dollars.
Doesn't matter if the watch only costs everyone twenty dollars. It's the idea that you're getting something that someone else can't. It plays perfectly into our deep seeded conceit that we're all special.
Guess what? We're not.
Some of us just know how to work with that. Some of us just know how to fuck with people. Some of us are professionals.
And even if you're ball deep in their backside those two words can make it all feel better, "For You." Nobody cares if you're fucking them as long as they think you're fucking them less than you fuck everybody else.
~
So last night was a good one, night before (albeit weird) was pretty good too. Tonight is Michelle's birthday party and I'm sure that will be a blast. Going to run out and pick up a card and some balloons or something like that. Tomorrow night going to see if the guys are around and maybe go our for a bit. Sunday is Watchmen and I'm so excited I could practically explode. ( Note during re-read: Uh...yeah. That didn't sound like I meant it to.) So the streak lives. And I just keep on rolling.
Quick personal side note. I mentioned here last week that in my constant and unending battle to not die this year I thought I was doing sort of ok at losing a bit of weight. I was checking in at a hair under 370 late last week (that week's high was 377, low was 365). I really wanted to try and get back down to 365 by that Sunday. Figuring if I could get down to 365 I could start working on getting down to 360 and so on. To that end I was walking three miles at a clip on the treadmill and trying to be even better about what I ate. After a few days of that I had gained three pounds putting me at 372 (still far better than 395, but certainly not 365). The five days since that have been a mixed bag. The last two nights I've drank too much and not exercised at all. Monday night I ate a steak, Wednesday night I tried to eat fast food. I've still been doing good, but I felt like I took a step backwards. The end result? When I just got on the scale a few minutes ago I inexplicably checked in at 365.4 lbs. So not quite what I wanted. But close enough. I'll take it...for now.
For You: An Introduction
For you? Of course...
Normally I wouldn't do that, but for you...
For you? Anything...
Don't tell anybody else, I'm only doing this for you...
The regular customers get the cheap stuff, but for you we'll break out the good stuff.
That's not a great deal for me, but we'll do it, only because it's for you...
For you...the two most powerful words in the English language.
There's a sucker born every minute, but every minute there are a few hundred other dopey bastards born who will probably fall for it too. Half of them know it's bullshit, but you're giving them what they want so they're happy anyway. They'll always remember you as the guy that gave them what they want even if it's not what they really wanted in the first place. The other half really think they're special. You score double points. You're giving them what they think they want, and you're doing it almost as a personal favor to them.
How much is this watch? For you only forty dollars.
Doesn't matter if the watch only costs everyone twenty dollars. It's the idea that you're getting something that someone else can't. It plays perfectly into our deep seeded conceit that we're all special.
Guess what? We're not.
Some of us just know how to work with that. Some of us just know how to fuck with people. Some of us are professionals.
And even if you're ball deep in their backside those two words can make it all feel better, "For You." Nobody cares if you're fucking them as long as they think you're fucking them less than you fuck everybody else.
~
So last night was a good one, night before (albeit weird) was pretty good too. Tonight is Michelle's birthday party and I'm sure that will be a blast. Going to run out and pick up a card and some balloons or something like that. Tomorrow night going to see if the guys are around and maybe go our for a bit. Sunday is Watchmen and I'm so excited I could practically explode. ( Note during re-read: Uh...yeah. That didn't sound like I meant it to.) So the streak lives. And I just keep on rolling.
Quick personal side note. I mentioned here last week that in my constant and unending battle to not die this year I thought I was doing sort of ok at losing a bit of weight. I was checking in at a hair under 370 late last week (that week's high was 377, low was 365). I really wanted to try and get back down to 365 by that Sunday. Figuring if I could get down to 365 I could start working on getting down to 360 and so on. To that end I was walking three miles at a clip on the treadmill and trying to be even better about what I ate. After a few days of that I had gained three pounds putting me at 372 (still far better than 395, but certainly not 365). The five days since that have been a mixed bag. The last two nights I've drank too much and not exercised at all. Monday night I ate a steak, Wednesday night I tried to eat fast food. I've still been doing good, but I felt like I took a step backwards. The end result? When I just got on the scale a few minutes ago I inexplicably checked in at 365.4 lbs. So not quite what I wanted. But close enough. I'll take it...for now.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Incredulous
When I woke up this morning this is what I thought, in exact order, unedited. Explanation perhaps to follow. Probably not.
1. "What the hell is that taste?"
2. "Wait...she's a lesbian?"
3. "When the hell did Sawyer become Lafleur?"
4. "Why didn't my alarm go off?"
5. "Where did my alarm clock go?"
6. "I swear I had a business card in my wallet when I went out last night."
7. "Hey, Watchmen comes out tonight. Maybe I'll stay up all night and go see it. Hell maybe I'll just never sleep ever again."
8. "Who'd of thought that chili and bourbon could do that."
9. "Painting? What painting?"
10. "What the hell is that taste?"
And then just before I rolled over and went back to sleep I thought:
"Christ this is going to be an interesting day."
1. "What the hell is that taste?"
2. "Wait...she's a lesbian?"
3. "When the hell did Sawyer become Lafleur?"
4. "Why didn't my alarm go off?"
5. "Where did my alarm clock go?"
6. "I swear I had a business card in my wallet when I went out last night."
7. "Hey, Watchmen comes out tonight. Maybe I'll stay up all night and go see it. Hell maybe I'll just never sleep ever again."
8. "Who'd of thought that chili and bourbon could do that."
9. "Painting? What painting?"
10. "What the hell is that taste?"
And then just before I rolled over and went back to sleep I thought:
"Christ this is going to be an interesting day."
Return of the King (of Coincidence)
So running into a go-go dancer in a go-go bar isn't exactly the most astounding thing that could happen to a guy. Hell if you went to a go-go bar and didn't run into a go-go dancer you'd probably have a fair complaint with management. But let me explain.
So earlier tonight I ducked out of work to stop in at the sophomore youth meeting for church. (Bear with me here, all my stories start slow...some of them even end that way.) I leave there a little after eight and stop by my mom's for a bit to see the kids. A little after nine I'm out of there as well. I'm actually home pretty early this means. I knew tonight would be my first totally free night in awhile so I was hoping to hear from an "old friend". When I didn't I was actually disappointed. It's been awhile after all and I actually have a lot to talk about for once. When ten comes and I haven't heard a word I assume I'm shit out of luck. But I'm flush with cash, extremely bored, not remotely tired and I have a lot of fresh dry cleaning. Fuck it, I'm going out.
As protocol dictates I can't go anywhere my "old friend" might be. Not good for business when customers cross paths. I haven't been out in nearly a month, so I head over to this place I go with the guys on occasion. Last time I was there was the Friday in Weekend of The Gods. I know she never works there. She's actually been turned down by that place several times. No idea why. But I figure there's zero chance of me interrupting her there. So I walk in the door and who is the first fucking person I see?
Yeah. You guessed it.
She's standing there next to the DJ booth looking more amazing than I've ever seen her look before. I normally don't even notice how cute she is, but at first I don't even realize it's her. I look away for a second and then look back before the look of surprise on her face translates into a look of surprise on my face.
Fuck.
So for a minute I go totally guinea and bust out with in a Jersey accent I've never had, "What the fuck are you doing here?" As if I had any right to know or even ask. We're both laughing now and she tells me she's trying out again. The manager is on his way over so she quickly shoos me away. I'd be insulted but I'm still sort of in shock.
So I sit down for a minute and before I've even taken my jacket off I've had three drinks. Two drinks later she meets me outside the bathroom, she doesn't seem like she's in a great mood. We chat for a minute. Later I hear from one of the managers that they hired her. Good for her.
I head back to the bar by myself. Pound back another two drinks before there's someone sitting next to me, asking if I'm Chris. Shit, I've been made. I now have some company for the next two drinks. I'm now also rapidly approaching wobbly.
So her friend (who apparently has been appointed my babysitter for the next little while) is occupied with business for a minute and I've had entirely too much to drink in entirely too short of a period of time. I won't say I was totally knackered but I'll say I was getting there. I cut myself off. I need something to do until I can drive. Lo and behold there's the girl I met last time I was in this bar...the one I made cry. Remember that story? The sudden recollection that I'm a pretty decent guy causes me to avoid her altogether and somehow I end up sitting upstairs and pretending to smoke a hookah with a pretty little thing who is studying art and wants to be a painter. I'm so tired I barely remember my name, nevermind hers.. An hour later I'm sobering and I think I just bought a painting. Not really sure. Going to have to look into that.
I head out just shy of two in the morning. I'm starving, confused, and have had too much to drink. That means I'm eating. The more I drink the more I eat it seems lately. I've been doing pretty good the past week or so, but tonight I end up at a fast food joint for the first time in a bit and order more food than I reckon I've ever seen. Haven't had chili in awhile so I order chili on everything. Literally everything. (Does that come with chili? Yeah? I'll take two.)
Fuck.
I get back to the office, flop into my chair and begin to wonder what the fuck exactly happened tonight. I know I'm not going to be able to work out when I get home tonight. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my bed without collapsing.
And all this food...goddamit all this food. Totally not supposed to be eating any of it.
The good news?
After six months of abstaining even the sight of chili makes my stomach rumble and my asshole burn, so instead of being eaten nearly all of the shit I bought went straight in the garbage totally untouched. A minor victory on a majorly weird night.
So yeah, I'm still unsure why tonight turned out exactly like it did. Certainly not sure of how. But I do know I've got somewhere to be tomorrow night now, and know that I have a whole lot of explaning to do.
God I love my life sometimes.
Right now however? Not so much.
'night all.
So earlier tonight I ducked out of work to stop in at the sophomore youth meeting for church. (Bear with me here, all my stories start slow...some of them even end that way.) I leave there a little after eight and stop by my mom's for a bit to see the kids. A little after nine I'm out of there as well. I'm actually home pretty early this means. I knew tonight would be my first totally free night in awhile so I was hoping to hear from an "old friend". When I didn't I was actually disappointed. It's been awhile after all and I actually have a lot to talk about for once. When ten comes and I haven't heard a word I assume I'm shit out of luck. But I'm flush with cash, extremely bored, not remotely tired and I have a lot of fresh dry cleaning. Fuck it, I'm going out.
As protocol dictates I can't go anywhere my "old friend" might be. Not good for business when customers cross paths. I haven't been out in nearly a month, so I head over to this place I go with the guys on occasion. Last time I was there was the Friday in Weekend of The Gods. I know she never works there. She's actually been turned down by that place several times. No idea why. But I figure there's zero chance of me interrupting her there. So I walk in the door and who is the first fucking person I see?
Yeah. You guessed it.
She's standing there next to the DJ booth looking more amazing than I've ever seen her look before. I normally don't even notice how cute she is, but at first I don't even realize it's her. I look away for a second and then look back before the look of surprise on her face translates into a look of surprise on my face.
Fuck.
So for a minute I go totally guinea and bust out with in a Jersey accent I've never had, "What the fuck are you doing here?" As if I had any right to know or even ask. We're both laughing now and she tells me she's trying out again. The manager is on his way over so she quickly shoos me away. I'd be insulted but I'm still sort of in shock.
So I sit down for a minute and before I've even taken my jacket off I've had three drinks. Two drinks later she meets me outside the bathroom, she doesn't seem like she's in a great mood. We chat for a minute. Later I hear from one of the managers that they hired her. Good for her.
I head back to the bar by myself. Pound back another two drinks before there's someone sitting next to me, asking if I'm Chris. Shit, I've been made. I now have some company for the next two drinks. I'm now also rapidly approaching wobbly.
So her friend (who apparently has been appointed my babysitter for the next little while) is occupied with business for a minute and I've had entirely too much to drink in entirely too short of a period of time. I won't say I was totally knackered but I'll say I was getting there. I cut myself off. I need something to do until I can drive. Lo and behold there's the girl I met last time I was in this bar...the one I made cry. Remember that story? The sudden recollection that I'm a pretty decent guy causes me to avoid her altogether and somehow I end up sitting upstairs and pretending to smoke a hookah with a pretty little thing who is studying art and wants to be a painter. I'm so tired I barely remember my name, nevermind hers.. An hour later I'm sobering and I think I just bought a painting. Not really sure. Going to have to look into that.
I head out just shy of two in the morning. I'm starving, confused, and have had too much to drink. That means I'm eating. The more I drink the more I eat it seems lately. I've been doing pretty good the past week or so, but tonight I end up at a fast food joint for the first time in a bit and order more food than I reckon I've ever seen. Haven't had chili in awhile so I order chili on everything. Literally everything. (Does that come with chili? Yeah? I'll take two.)
Fuck.
I get back to the office, flop into my chair and begin to wonder what the fuck exactly happened tonight. I know I'm not going to be able to work out when I get home tonight. I'll be lucky if I can make it to my bed without collapsing.
And all this food...goddamit all this food. Totally not supposed to be eating any of it.
The good news?
After six months of abstaining even the sight of chili makes my stomach rumble and my asshole burn, so instead of being eaten nearly all of the shit I bought went straight in the garbage totally untouched. A minor victory on a majorly weird night.
So yeah, I'm still unsure why tonight turned out exactly like it did. Certainly not sure of how. But I do know I've got somewhere to be tomorrow night now, and know that I have a whole lot of explaning to do.
God I love my life sometimes.
Right now however? Not so much.
'night all.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Squiggly Line
The things I do, the things I do, Good God Almighty, the things I do.
How is it exactly that I have survived as long as I have?
Probably has something to do with whiskey and Eastern European women. But it's not yet three in the afternoon and that makes it a bit too early for either one of those things.
So instead I write...
Qualis Pater Talis Filius?
Someone pointed out to me this morning that when they tell my father I'm on the phone he scowls, when they tell him my brother is on the phone his face lights up. I've known that all along, and I know why of course. Just nice to know that other people notice. It's kind of like when Derek Jeter gets booed at Fenway, it's because he's doing something right. I long ago realized that no matter what I do my father isn't going to like me very much. And it just seems like the more I do what is right in general the less he likes me. Some people would be proud to have a kid like me. Not him. So keep scowling you old fuck. Just means I'm doing something right.
Quis Custodiet Ipso Custodes
I have had a total goober erection for the past six months or so waiting for the Watchmen movie to come out. I really don't expect it to be very good, and I certainly don't expect it to elicit the same emotional and critical response that the comic did. But I was really hoping the initial reviews would be a bit better then they are. It's not looking good. Most of the reviews have been polite but middling. Some of them have been downright bad. I'm yet to see one glowing review yet though. I'm yet to see one critic say, "This is exactly what it was supposed to be." Another nail in the coffin? Whitney Matheson didn't pan it, but she certainly didn't pass it either. Her bottom line? She liked it more than critics told her she would. Sheesh. And even though she said she wasn't a die hard Watchmen fan to start with I tend to be swayed by insanely cute slightly nerdy entertainment bloggers and I was really hoping she'd at least give it a slightly better review. I mean come on she's one of the few non-comic related bloggers who consistently and entertainingly put Snyder on blast for changing the ending of the film whereas lots of film bloggers had no idea how the comic ended in the first place. Giant exploding squid my ass.
Quae Nocent, Saepe Docent
We may call it different things, but it all hurts the same. And I don't reckon that will change no matter how we dress it up. The last few days have certainly done a number on my visions for a new reality. Part of me wonders if this isn't me changing, but me accepting that things aren't going to change no matter how hard I try. To that part of me I say, with all due respect, "Fuck off." Something ended not too long ago, something else began. That's how it works. Coming to grips with the idea that I can have anything I want, I just can't have everything I want may take awhile. But it's also sort of necessary. There was this phase in my life where I just thought I would never get anything that I really wanted. I'd watch other people get the exact job they wanted, the exact girl they wanted, the exact life they wanted sometimes. They were hitting the mark while I was missing wide to the left. But I know, they're not getting everything they want. But they are getting some of it. Good for them. So can I. I know me. I know the things I can do. I know the sway I can hold when I try hard enough. I can get anything I want. I just can't get it all. That's not really a bad thing. So I've got to start actually wanting some things, then I've got to sort out how to get at least a few of them. There's too much pain going around in general lately. Clouding up the sensors. Need to work on that a little. Can't save the world, doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
Quad Nesciunt Eos Non Interficiet
Ah...me. So last weekend I spent three straight nights in a bar. I believe Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I was in Wizards right up until Jerry threw us out. Haven't had a sip of alcohol since then. I keep thinking I might be an alcoholic, but that I might just not be very good at it. Tonight I plan on stopping by the sophomore youth group meeting (how's that for an f'ing segue?) and hanging out there for a little bit. After that who knows? Maybe out for a drink on my own. Just to take the edge off. You know what else I hear is good for taking the edge off? Rotary sanders. Not funny? I'll try again. You know what else I hear is good for taking the edge off? Heroin. Still not funny? One more try. You know what else I hear is good for taking the edge off? Killing small animals. Still not laughing? Well fuck off then. So yeah, I'll probably strike out on my own for a bit tonight. Friday is Michelle's 80's themed birthday party. I'll be going, but not dressing up. Because...well, you know why. Saturday is right now an open night. So I'll either hang out with the guys or try to get myself into some amusing and troublesome situation which will give me something semi-interesting to talk about here in place of this schlock. Sunday afternoon we take a crack at Watchmen in IMAX and Sunday night we have our Antioch follow up meeting.
And then after that...well who knows. We see what happens next I suppose.
And by the way, I went to public school. So I don't speak any Latin at all. I'm pretty sure that last subtitle said something about a dining room table and that totally wasn't what I was going for...but fuck it. You probably don't speak Latin either. Hell, you probably don't exist. So I'm not really going to worry about it.
Travel well.
How is it exactly that I have survived as long as I have?
Probably has something to do with whiskey and Eastern European women. But it's not yet three in the afternoon and that makes it a bit too early for either one of those things.
So instead I write...
Qualis Pater Talis Filius?
Someone pointed out to me this morning that when they tell my father I'm on the phone he scowls, when they tell him my brother is on the phone his face lights up. I've known that all along, and I know why of course. Just nice to know that other people notice. It's kind of like when Derek Jeter gets booed at Fenway, it's because he's doing something right. I long ago realized that no matter what I do my father isn't going to like me very much. And it just seems like the more I do what is right in general the less he likes me. Some people would be proud to have a kid like me. Not him. So keep scowling you old fuck. Just means I'm doing something right.
Quis Custodiet Ipso Custodes
I have had a total goober erection for the past six months or so waiting for the Watchmen movie to come out. I really don't expect it to be very good, and I certainly don't expect it to elicit the same emotional and critical response that the comic did. But I was really hoping the initial reviews would be a bit better then they are. It's not looking good. Most of the reviews have been polite but middling. Some of them have been downright bad. I'm yet to see one glowing review yet though. I'm yet to see one critic say, "This is exactly what it was supposed to be." Another nail in the coffin? Whitney Matheson didn't pan it, but she certainly didn't pass it either. Her bottom line? She liked it more than critics told her she would. Sheesh. And even though she said she wasn't a die hard Watchmen fan to start with I tend to be swayed by insanely cute slightly nerdy entertainment bloggers and I was really hoping she'd at least give it a slightly better review. I mean come on she's one of the few non-comic related bloggers who consistently and entertainingly put Snyder on blast for changing the ending of the film whereas lots of film bloggers had no idea how the comic ended in the first place. Giant exploding squid my ass.
Quae Nocent, Saepe Docent
We may call it different things, but it all hurts the same. And I don't reckon that will change no matter how we dress it up. The last few days have certainly done a number on my visions for a new reality. Part of me wonders if this isn't me changing, but me accepting that things aren't going to change no matter how hard I try. To that part of me I say, with all due respect, "Fuck off." Something ended not too long ago, something else began. That's how it works. Coming to grips with the idea that I can have anything I want, I just can't have everything I want may take awhile. But it's also sort of necessary. There was this phase in my life where I just thought I would never get anything that I really wanted. I'd watch other people get the exact job they wanted, the exact girl they wanted, the exact life they wanted sometimes. They were hitting the mark while I was missing wide to the left. But I know, they're not getting everything they want. But they are getting some of it. Good for them. So can I. I know me. I know the things I can do. I know the sway I can hold when I try hard enough. I can get anything I want. I just can't get it all. That's not really a bad thing. So I've got to start actually wanting some things, then I've got to sort out how to get at least a few of them. There's too much pain going around in general lately. Clouding up the sensors. Need to work on that a little. Can't save the world, doesn't mean we shouldn't try.
Quad Nesciunt Eos Non Interficiet
Ah...me. So last weekend I spent three straight nights in a bar. I believe Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I was in Wizards right up until Jerry threw us out. Haven't had a sip of alcohol since then. I keep thinking I might be an alcoholic, but that I might just not be very good at it. Tonight I plan on stopping by the sophomore youth group meeting (how's that for an f'ing segue?) and hanging out there for a little bit. After that who knows? Maybe out for a drink on my own. Just to take the edge off. You know what else I hear is good for taking the edge off? Rotary sanders. Not funny? I'll try again. You know what else I hear is good for taking the edge off? Heroin. Still not funny? One more try. You know what else I hear is good for taking the edge off? Killing small animals. Still not laughing? Well fuck off then. So yeah, I'll probably strike out on my own for a bit tonight. Friday is Michelle's 80's themed birthday party. I'll be going, but not dressing up. Because...well, you know why. Saturday is right now an open night. So I'll either hang out with the guys or try to get myself into some amusing and troublesome situation which will give me something semi-interesting to talk about here in place of this schlock. Sunday afternoon we take a crack at Watchmen in IMAX and Sunday night we have our Antioch follow up meeting.
And then after that...well who knows. We see what happens next I suppose.
And by the way, I went to public school. So I don't speak any Latin at all. I'm pretty sure that last subtitle said something about a dining room table and that totally wasn't what I was going for...but fuck it. You probably don't speak Latin either. Hell, you probably don't exist. So I'm not really going to worry about it.
Travel well.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tribulations
I was trying to find something and I just pulled this one out of the archives, it reminded me of some things. I write often of my ups and downs and sometimes I spend too much time reminding people that I very well know that when I'm up at some point I'll be down and when I'm down at some point I'll be up. I'm trying not to focus on that this time. I'm up...and I intend to do everything I can to stay here. So in looking for something I wrote a long time ago I instead found this and realized how much I love the opening to that post. So take a look back a year if you will, and then read on for what's got me going today.
3-15-08: A Certain Kind Of Melancholy
Something in my mind has cauterized, where once blue sparks ignited flames there now remains a singular sizzle.
It just doesn't work the same anymore.
It seems I threw the baby out with the bathwater. When I left the madness behind I left a bit of that old brilliance too. I don't reckon it will be easy to get back either.
I know how it went of course. I just don't know why.
It started simply enough, I cut myself off from the others and waited just long enough for them to begin to die out. The fewer they were the weaker they are.
Rigby fell off first, as he tends to do. No one is quite sure where he went or what exactly happened to him. Probably better off that way. The Beast, though always lurking in some ephemereal form, hadn't really been seen in awhile so he went fairly quietly too. Kong put up more of a fight, but even he couldn't stand up under the scrutiny of a momentarily rational mind. Jonesy went next, with the grace and wit expected of a right bastard such as he. King stepped aside and let the Darkness take his place, a noble effort to stave off the onslaught of the light. Too little too late though. And as the stalwart guardians of my madness fell one by one the others failed and fled, leaving me almost to myself. But of course there was Hob.
Now I remember when Hob wasn't me. I remember when Hob was some other guy. The Others all came from inside, maybe their names and likenesses once belonged to someone else, but they were always a part of me. Not so with Hob. Hob was his own man. His own monster. And somehow he found purchase in my soul and just sort of stuck. Whereas King was the leader Hob was the boss. When I couldn't, he ran the show. He wasn't always a very nice guy, but he got the job done (and had a sight bit more fun than the rest of us in playing the game as well). It's why he was so hard to get rid of. Why he seemed so strong in the first place. You can't just chase Hob away. The others go dormant on their own, but Hob survives. Hob fights back. You can't just send him off, you have to beat him down, you have to trap him.
So I put the little fucker in the nail with the rest of my sins. And then I got rid of it.
Lots of people won't know what I'm talking about there. Some might, but they still won't understand
If there were anyone out there who'd been following this from the start (5 years and damn near 1,000 posts) you may have noticed that one of my favorite things was writing dialogues. Just short little exchanges, little or no character detail, little or no story. Just dialogue. If you've been reading this for the past month or so you may have noticed that they've all but disappeared. In looking back just now I realize that the only two times since the streak began that I've used dialogue correspond to the two points where I was feeling the lowest. The two points where I felt like I might slip. The lower I get the louder they get. And I haven't heard them at all since I got rid of Hob.
Interesting.
But like I said, it didn't go exactly as planned either. Remember the baby? I've never been fake, I've never been numb. I'd rather suffer than pretend to be something I'm not. And suddenly I find myself drained of certain aspects of what was once considered my personality. And it doesn't bother me half as much as I would have expected it too. So I'll take the good while I can get it, hold onto happy as long as I can. And if it fails or falters, even if it regresses to that fucked up kind of happy I'm used to. Well, so be it. I just hope then I can get back the things which helped me survive...even though I've seemed to turn my back on them just now.
We will see.
3-15-08: A Certain Kind Of Melancholy
Something in my mind has cauterized, where once blue sparks ignited flames there now remains a singular sizzle.
It just doesn't work the same anymore.
It seems I threw the baby out with the bathwater. When I left the madness behind I left a bit of that old brilliance too. I don't reckon it will be easy to get back either.
I know how it went of course. I just don't know why.
It started simply enough, I cut myself off from the others and waited just long enough for them to begin to die out. The fewer they were the weaker they are.
Rigby fell off first, as he tends to do. No one is quite sure where he went or what exactly happened to him. Probably better off that way. The Beast, though always lurking in some ephemereal form, hadn't really been seen in awhile so he went fairly quietly too. Kong put up more of a fight, but even he couldn't stand up under the scrutiny of a momentarily rational mind. Jonesy went next, with the grace and wit expected of a right bastard such as he. King stepped aside and let the Darkness take his place, a noble effort to stave off the onslaught of the light. Too little too late though. And as the stalwart guardians of my madness fell one by one the others failed and fled, leaving me almost to myself. But of course there was Hob.
Now I remember when Hob wasn't me. I remember when Hob was some other guy. The Others all came from inside, maybe their names and likenesses once belonged to someone else, but they were always a part of me. Not so with Hob. Hob was his own man. His own monster. And somehow he found purchase in my soul and just sort of stuck. Whereas King was the leader Hob was the boss. When I couldn't, he ran the show. He wasn't always a very nice guy, but he got the job done (and had a sight bit more fun than the rest of us in playing the game as well). It's why he was so hard to get rid of. Why he seemed so strong in the first place. You can't just chase Hob away. The others go dormant on their own, but Hob survives. Hob fights back. You can't just send him off, you have to beat him down, you have to trap him.
So I put the little fucker in the nail with the rest of my sins. And then I got rid of it.
Lots of people won't know what I'm talking about there. Some might, but they still won't understand
If there were anyone out there who'd been following this from the start (5 years and damn near 1,000 posts) you may have noticed that one of my favorite things was writing dialogues. Just short little exchanges, little or no character detail, little or no story. Just dialogue. If you've been reading this for the past month or so you may have noticed that they've all but disappeared. In looking back just now I realize that the only two times since the streak began that I've used dialogue correspond to the two points where I was feeling the lowest. The two points where I felt like I might slip. The lower I get the louder they get. And I haven't heard them at all since I got rid of Hob.
Interesting.
But like I said, it didn't go exactly as planned either. Remember the baby? I've never been fake, I've never been numb. I'd rather suffer than pretend to be something I'm not. And suddenly I find myself drained of certain aspects of what was once considered my personality. And it doesn't bother me half as much as I would have expected it too. So I'll take the good while I can get it, hold onto happy as long as I can. And if it fails or falters, even if it regresses to that fucked up kind of happy I'm used to. Well, so be it. I just hope then I can get back the things which helped me survive...even though I've seemed to turn my back on them just now.
We will see.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Resurrection Fail?
There is no way this is ending well.
Why do we feel the need to tear people down? Why can't we just be happy being happy? It's never good enough. Never.
Doubt is quite possibly the single most damning thing for someone who came about confidence in the way that I have. I possess the confidence of a man who has suceeded without trying and failed despite great efforts. I possess the confidence of a man who knows things that not everyone else does. I possess a condfidence that I know is totally irrational. There is no reason for a monster like me to ever think he's got the edge on anything. But I always do. And somehow it so often ends up being true.
I don't always know or understand exactly what I am, and it would be damn near impossible to explain how in the past few months I've come so much closer to answering the questions I've always asked of myself. It just wouldn't make any sense to people who never saw what I went through every single day for years. And now that I think most of that is behind me, there are a whole slew of other battles to fight.
I'm sort of looking forward to it.
Not this one so much though.
This one comes from so many different places, this one comes from so many different things. I know I dodged a bullet tonight, don't know if it was God or good people that helped me out on that one, but it was enough to let me know I'm not in the clear yet and I reckon it will be quite awhile before I can rightly say I am. But there are so many other things going on right now that I can't worry too long about it.
So instead I'm going to focus on this one. This one was doubt, a doubt that bent me this evening until I almost broke. I almost made that call. I almost brought him back. But I didn't. Instead I changed this. Doubt became something else. I know what this is now.
This is rage.
It is the quiet and subdued rage of a man who has been beaten before but knows what it takes to rise again.
It is my rage. And, as I always have, I will use it to keep going when all else fails.
Why do we feel the need to tear people down? Why can't we just be happy being happy? It's never good enough. Never.
Doubt is quite possibly the single most damning thing for someone who came about confidence in the way that I have. I possess the confidence of a man who has suceeded without trying and failed despite great efforts. I possess the confidence of a man who knows things that not everyone else does. I possess a condfidence that I know is totally irrational. There is no reason for a monster like me to ever think he's got the edge on anything. But I always do. And somehow it so often ends up being true.
I don't always know or understand exactly what I am, and it would be damn near impossible to explain how in the past few months I've come so much closer to answering the questions I've always asked of myself. It just wouldn't make any sense to people who never saw what I went through every single day for years. And now that I think most of that is behind me, there are a whole slew of other battles to fight.
I'm sort of looking forward to it.
Not this one so much though.
This one comes from so many different places, this one comes from so many different things. I know I dodged a bullet tonight, don't know if it was God or good people that helped me out on that one, but it was enough to let me know I'm not in the clear yet and I reckon it will be quite awhile before I can rightly say I am. But there are so many other things going on right now that I can't worry too long about it.
So instead I'm going to focus on this one. This one was doubt, a doubt that bent me this evening until I almost broke. I almost made that call. I almost brought him back. But I didn't. Instead I changed this. Doubt became something else. I know what this is now.
This is rage.
It is the quiet and subdued rage of a man who has been beaten before but knows what it takes to rise again.
It is my rage. And, as I always have, I will use it to keep going when all else fails.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Blazin'
It is sort of beautiful how so much can go wrong so quickly and yet the end result can come so close to matching what would have happened if everything went right.
It worked out nicely that I didn't end up having to go into the city tonight (even though I would have liked to see Michelle), then the plan to catch a movie fell through real quick (still not sure exactly what happened there), I ended up reattaching to the guys before they went up to Palisades. So it was Jere, House and Me and somehow Tim ended up there as well. We waited forever to get seated at Buffalo Wild Wings, ate, and then pretty much immediately took off to head down to Fairfield to pick up Gonzo.
I of course put my vote in to go to either Wizard's or to pay a visit. I knew which one of those wasn't going through, but since the guys are generally agreeable to do whatever I consider my second best option I knew I'd at least end up somewhere I wanted to be instead of one of the six million places I don't want to be on a regular basis.
So we have a bit of fun at Wizards then head up to the diner to get a quick bite and laugh about as much as could be possible in any given evening (I hear you run out of laughs at a certain point.).
All in all it's a good evening and by the time I drop everyone off and get back to the office it's damn near 4 A.M.
If I started a list of things that went wrong today it would be about a mile long. What I was doing tonight changed about ten times in three hours and what I ended up doing wasn't even really on the list. It was still good though. I'm a bit bummed I didn't get to hang out with some of the church kids (but I'll see them tomorrow I figure) and a bit bummed I didn't get to visit and old friend (going to be awhile most likely before I catch up there) but I had a good time. Got to see some good people. And the very fact that I'm still in a good mood should say a few things because it's quite simply unheard of.
'night all.
It worked out nicely that I didn't end up having to go into the city tonight (even though I would have liked to see Michelle), then the plan to catch a movie fell through real quick (still not sure exactly what happened there), I ended up reattaching to the guys before they went up to Palisades. So it was Jere, House and Me and somehow Tim ended up there as well. We waited forever to get seated at Buffalo Wild Wings, ate, and then pretty much immediately took off to head down to Fairfield to pick up Gonzo.
I of course put my vote in to go to either Wizard's or to pay a visit. I knew which one of those wasn't going through, but since the guys are generally agreeable to do whatever I consider my second best option I knew I'd at least end up somewhere I wanted to be instead of one of the six million places I don't want to be on a regular basis.
So we have a bit of fun at Wizards then head up to the diner to get a quick bite and laugh about as much as could be possible in any given evening (I hear you run out of laughs at a certain point.).
All in all it's a good evening and by the time I drop everyone off and get back to the office it's damn near 4 A.M.
If I started a list of things that went wrong today it would be about a mile long. What I was doing tonight changed about ten times in three hours and what I ended up doing wasn't even really on the list. It was still good though. I'm a bit bummed I didn't get to hang out with some of the church kids (but I'll see them tomorrow I figure) and a bit bummed I didn't get to visit and old friend (going to be awhile most likely before I catch up there) but I had a good time. Got to see some good people. And the very fact that I'm still in a good mood should say a few things because it's quite simply unheard of.
'night all.
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