Brazen Acts Of Depravity

"My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing, which lasted all too briefly. [pauses] Isn't that always the way? One instance of me stealing five grams of very-high-quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead. So, all-in-all my evening pretty much balanced out fine." - Ray (Colin Farrel), In Bruges

Oy.

Sometimes it feels like I need someone to remind me why I bother leaving my house most days. And then there were days like the past few. Wednesday I was a bit of a bastard, but in the most enjoyable of ways. Thursday I got to spend some time with a few good friends. Friday the guys and I made a run at one of the most ridiculous nights we've had in quite awhile while in between and only briefly discussing a few rather serious things.


"What did you have?"

"I had four Jack & Cokes before, half a bottle of champagne and a double of Maker's Mark during, and another Jack & Coke afterwards just to take the edge off."

"And what do you have now?"

"A headache man...a headache."

I've got no clue what's happening for the rest of today. All I know is I really don't want to spend any money tonight. That's sort of new for me. I've spent entirely too much in the last week though. Most of it unplanned. It was certainly fun. But it's not exactly how the new plan was supposed to go. The new plan involved me not being homeless by the spring. So much for that.

I've definitely got to go to dinner for my stepmother's birthday. Still have to get her a gift of some sort. No clue what that should be. Might end up meeting up with the guys in some capacity again tonight. We will see. Definitely can't pull another night like last night, might not survive. Although any night in which the waitress at the diner is able to use the phrase "Did he take the bagel into the bathroom with him?" at three o'clock in the morning is a night that can probably use repeating at some point in one's life.

"There's rules you know. Certain things you do and do not do in a polite and fucking civilized society. You don't piss in public, you don't flash your cock to old ladies and little kiddies, and you don't get all molesty on a strange bird without paying a proper premium. You follow those rules and you still may be a wanker, but at least you won't be a totally pervy wanker. Got it?" - S.L. Teague, Beginners

I've got to do some things around the house this afternoon. Bathtub is all plugged up, mailbox needs to be replaced, probably should give everything a good clean too. I don't know. Probably just going to continue to let it rot. Apparently I didn't pay my mortgage this month either so maybe they'll just take the fucking thing away. I sent the damn check out over a week and a half ago. The other check I sent out on that same day posted. The mortgage check did not. Odd.

Antioch meeting tomorrow is going to be early so everyone can make it home for the Super Bowl. We're down to the last handful of meetings, rolling along like always, everything is going well but I'm just waiting for that spark that sets us on fire. Really gets us going. It's something different every year. Then comes the weekend, and then comes trying to keep the group together for as long as possible. We're on a quite unprecedented three year run here. It's got to end someday, but hopefully not to soon.

"What did you just say to her?"

"Fuck off. It's none of your business."

"I'm making it my business."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm Hob, the Motherfucking Reckoner. Are you ready for yours?"

"My what?"

"Your reckoning."

"What the fuck?"

"Apologize. Now."

"I'm sorry."

"Louder."

"I'M SORRY!"

"Now run away...quickly."

I've also noticed that I'm fuck all starving. I'm running out of the "meals", new ones should be shipping soon, and I'm stuck with pretty much all the "bars". It's like eating food crushed down into a mini-brick. I don't like it. Yesterday I at the breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That came to 570 calories. I had a hot chocolate, but only drank half so call it 300 calories to be safe. That puts me at 870 calories at around 10 P.M. Then I started drinking, and probably drank 2,000 calories over the course of three hours. Then I had a grilled chicken wrap and toast. So yeah, great start to the day, shit finish. And I was rapidly approaching wobbly by the time I got home at nearly four in the morning so I didn't even get on the treadmill. I did walk nearly three miles yesterday morning, so I figure that balances out. Except not. You know? Just don't rightly give a fuck at this point I suppose.

So anyway, I'm going to go pick up some cleaning supplies, maybe stop and find a gift for the stepmother, grab some lunch, and if all goes well get some cleaning done and make it to the dinner I don't want to go to at all on time.

What a friggin' week.

"You know what? When I look back on my little life and the birds I've known, and think of all the things they've done for me and the little I've done for them, you'd think I've had the best of it along the line. But what have I got out of it? I've got a bob or two, some decent clothes, a car, I've got me health back and I ain't attached. But I ain't got me peace of mind - and if you ain't got that, you ain't got nothing. I dunno. It seems to me if they ain't got you one way they've got you another. So what's the answer? That's what I keep asking myself - what's it all about? Know what I mean?" - Alfie (Michael Caine), Alfie

Valkyrie

"I can't do this anymore."

"Sure you can."

"Well, yeah, of course I can, but that doesn't mean I should."


"Agreed."


"So what's next?"

"I don't have the foggiest idea."

I watched In Bruges while walking last night and this morning. I think that's the fourth or fifth time I watched it since I got the DVD. It's quickly become one of my favorite movies of all time. I'd even say that it cracks the Top Ten, which is amazing because it means two movies from 2008 (The Dark Knight being the other) crack my all time top ten list. The problem is figuring out which two movies got bumped.

Last night we went to see Valkyrie, it was good, but definitely not worthy of the list. I even think Tom Cruise was pretty good in it. Plus it had Eddie Izzard so you know that's always a plus. It was a little disconcerting the number of actors that crossed projects in it though. Terrence Stamp and Thomas Kretschmann were both in Wanted. Tom Hollander, Bill Nighy, Kevin Mcnally, and David Schofield were all in the Pirates of the Carribean movies. Ian Mcniece, David Bamber, Kenneth Cranham were all in Rome together. It throws me off when shit like that happens. Wonder if the casting directors are getting lazy.


"You know that bit about you being a massive poof?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't really mean it."


"Thank you. I appreciate you saying that."


"Yeah, you're just a regular poof."

"Fucking 'ell."

Some of the guys are around tonight, so I'll be popping out for a bit. Tomorrow night is my stepmother's birthday dinner and Tim and I will be going whether we're looking forward to it or not. People are always like, "We love doing things with our families." And I feel the need to remind them "Right, well that's because your family is not my family. Not by a longshot." They're not so bad though. I take comfort in knowing that all the bastards in my family will die someday...or I will. Either way works really.

I'm working on my talk for Antioch again, really need to write some palancas too. Things are coming up pretty damn quickly. There's also an odd situation or ten developing in my life that I should probably give some thought to. So instead I'll most likely end up drinking tonight instead. You know, handling things like an adult for once.

"What happened to it all?"

"All what?"

"The money! What happened to the money!"

"You know how they say don't spend it all in one place?"

"Yeah."


"I didn't. I spent it all in lots of places."

"Shit."

Of Fire

"Well we can't all be good people."

"Nope, so why even try?"

So as it turns out (and I suppose I knew this) my father's good mood was in part to try and distract me from something else. You know, a little of the old razzle dazzle. I didn't fall for it of course, but I did still enjoy my father being almost decent for once.

Pretty much everything was closed yesterday because of the weather. Apparently people have forgotten we live in New Jersey and it does snow here now and again. So it really wasn't all that long of a day even though it felt like it.


"So what did you do last night?"


"Drank too much, hooked up with a stripper. You know, the usual. What about you?"


"Uh...worked late, went home and fell asleep watching TV."


"So the usual?"

"Yeah...fuck you."

I haven't been doing all that great in the last day or two with the diet. Yesterday I only ate once, but it wasn't anything good and I probably exceeded my daily caloric intake in that one meal. Day before wasn't as bad, but I still went over my calorie line by a lot. Today I've had over 900 calories having skipped one meal. I had 300 calories from two servings of milk, probably about 300 calories from a hot chocolate, just under 100 or so from breakfast and another 270 from dinner So while I'm not quite at a thousand I'm close only having two meals. I'm not all that hungry right now, but I certainly will be later. And we're going to the movies shortly where I think I'm going to have some popcorn...even though I probably shouldn't. So mark today down as being over again even though it's close. I did get my exercise in last night, but I haven't gotten any in yet today. So figure me for at least two miles tonight plus some light lifting. Going to have to see how I feel.

So considering the wrapping on this entry was all pretty crude...this was a sort of bland entry in the end. Ain't that something?


"I'd put it somewhere between sticking your dick in a meat grinder and finger banging an electric toaster."


"Shit. That bad huh?"


"Yeah, so I guess it's a good thing you asked before you screwed her."

"Ha, yeah, before...right."

Frigid

When did all the school systems in NJ become a bunch of pussies in regards to snow?

Places started closing before the first snowflake fell and continued closing right up until after it had stopped snowing altogether with a rather unimposing 2-3 inches on the ground.

So things were back to normal with my old man this morning. No shock there. His good moods never last very long. I guess we have that in common. I'm just slightly less of a prick than he is when I'm in a bad mood.

Went out for a drink last night. Literally one drink. Stopped and ate some shit I shouldn't have eaten but I haven't eaten anything since then and I'm sure I'll hit the treadmill hard when I get home tonight. So it ain't that bad.

Going to run up to the comic shop with the Rookie in a few minutes. Pick up the rest of Powers. No clue what else is going on today, probably nothing.

Tomorrow night we're suppose to catch a showing of Valkyrie. Haven't heard from anyone since Sunday so I don't know if that's still on. But it would be cool if it was. No plans for Friday, Saturday night going to dinner for my stepmother's birthday. Not something I really want to do. Not something we've ever done before. It should be sufficiently awkward and uncomfortable. Also sort of blocks something else I want to do. So that sort of sucks. Sunday is an early Antioch meeting and then the Superbowl which I currently have no plans for and actually don't really give a shit about watching.

So that pretty much sums up this week. Better than last week, but not good by a long shot.

Then again...it's still early.

UnKnow

Man, my dad was awesome today.

I don't think I've ever said that before.

He wasn't around most of the day (which helps a lot), and there wasn't a lot of gray area on any decisions that were actually made. So he really didn't need to do much to avoid a problem. But when he was around he sort of just stayed out of the way, did what he had to do when he had to do it, and otherwise left well enough alone. When he was uncertain of something he asked questions, and then he actually listened to the answers. When I tried to tell him something I only had to repeat myself once or twice to make sure he was with me. Not the normal three or four times. I made a suggestion that I thought was a pretty good idea...and he actually considered it. Truth is most of the time it doesn't matter if he agrees with me, I know how to choose my battles and I'm the one actually executing most ideas so things get done either way. But this morning I mentioned something to him, and seven hours later he came back into the office having clearly given what I said a great deal of thought, and actually discussed it with me. He didn't try and take credit for the idea, didn't blow me off and then bring it up three weeks later like it was something totally new. He actually came back into the office and asked questions, and listened to my answers, and went over in a fair amount of detail quite a few options.

Do you have any idea how huge that is?

It's never happened before.

Ever.

I do what I'm going to do. If it works out he ignores it. If it doesn't he yells about it. But never...ever does he actually discuss something like he did today.

Now this idea we discussed, never going to happen. It's not something either of us really want. It's not something I'm all that willing to do. I was just making a point, giving us an option to deal with a pretty big problem. It was me proving that there is an alternative to a bad idea that's been floating around. So the entire discussion is almost a moot point. But the fact that the discussion actually took place? Huge. Like you wouldn't believe.

I was two minutes in to a detailed explanation of the topic when I suddenly realized that he was looking right at me. I actually paused and said, "Holy shit. Are you actually listening to me?" And we both sort of seem surprised that he was.

Now it could have to do with the fact that he may (or may not) have screwed something up huge today. Could have something to do with the fact that he's been exceptionally miserable and nasty the past week or so and he sort of feels bad about it. Could have something to do with the accountant's being here today and me being able to put a piece of paper in front of him with a very large seven digit number on it and just casually clear my throat as I did this. Could have something to do with a lot of things. But it doesn't really matter why. I'll take days with him like this however I can get them. It seems like everyone I know had a rough week last week, and very few of them even hold a candle to mine. So maybe I was just due to catch a break. I don't know.

Now as for the rest of the day? Holy shit. Got creamed on what should have been a real good bid this morning. My numbers were spot on, but sometimes you just get undercut in a way that makes it not even worth doing the work. Today was that kind of day. Lots of people calling out, lots of work having to be covered, breakdowns and headaches and all kinds of things not going the way they were supposed to. Tim was out of the office most of the day because he got stuck working the night shift at the other job (much respect to him for doing the right thing and covering even though I'm sure he'd rather not) and my father was gone most of the day looking at houses. The accountants were in all morning and my computer crashed in the early afternoon so there was a whole lot of shit that got pushed back into a very short period of time this afternoon. Made for a bit of excess craziness.

But I handled it, despite being tired, and hungry, and in a pretty raw mood.

I handled it.

So you know, I guess I was pretty awesome today too.

Not bad for a Tuesday. Not bad at all.

The Good News: The Draft I Wrote Tonight That I May Or May Not Ever Use

I begin this like we begin all good things. In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. Dear Lord, please forgive me for what I'm about to do. Please keep in mind that I mean well and that my intentions are, at the very least, interesting. And that this probably won't be any worse than any of the other shit I've already done. Thanks for listening. See you soon. Amen.

Welcome to the Good News. If you don’t know who I am already you haven’t been paying attention. I suggest you start now, because you never know when I’m actually going to say something worth listening to.

This is The Good News, also known as The Bible Talk, also known as the most boring talk in the history of mankind. In previous years I’ve talked about the stories of the bible, I’ve talked about the physical bible itself, I’ve talked about the history of the bible. I’ve told jokes and cracked wise and read in the most vulgar ways possible large sections of the bible having to do with the improper discharge of bodily fluids. In short, I’ve had a good time with it. And hopefully so have some of you who have heard my spiel before.

But I’ve pretty much exhausted any new and interesting ways to discuss the topic. I could just rehash one of my old talks since the first time I did this most of you were about five years old. But I decided I didn’t want to do that I didn’t want to give a talk that I’d already given before. Besides I like to think I’m very genuine and honest with my talks, and the person I was giving this talk nine years ago is not the person I am now. So after much thought I decided instead of talking about the bible I'm going to tell you a story. A story about me, and the first time I did this talk on my own.

It starts nearly ten years ago in the fall of 1999. I was a freshman in college, Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York to be precise. It was a nice place. Not too fancy, but certainly not a dump. A place you'd think I probably could have been happy in. It was a big deal for me going away to college. I was leaving all my high school friends behind, trying to start fresh. It was an interesting thing for a guy like me. When you go off to a school where no one knows you there's this very real opportunity to totally redefine yourself. You start to think you can make yourself into whatever it is that you want other people to see you as. Then when you get there you realize very quickly that everyone else had that exact same idea and you sort have to come to grips with being the person that you are. And I was the quiet guy without any friends, the guy that everyone knew to see but no one really knew who I was. I wasn't a sad kid, or a depressed kid really. It was a conflicted kid, but show me a teenager who isn't, right? But I was a lonely kid. There was a lot wrong with me. And for the half dozen of you who just though, "Ha, still is." Thanks but...try and keep up. I was totally alone and having a really hard time with it. I’d spent a lot of time alone already that fall, a lot of time in a real raw mood. I didn’t really have an outlet. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. For the first time in my life I was in a situation that I felt wasn’t working out and I couldn’t think of a way to fix it. For the first time in my life, I was losing.

And then Antioch starts up. It was all pretty much people I went to school with back then, it was the first time my best friends weren't on team. But they were still around, still part of the program. I knew my brother and his friends would be around too. It certainly wasn't better than it is now, but it was different. Things are going along, we get assigned our talks and I end up with the bible talk.

Really early on I started reading the bible from page 1, and without skipping around I read it pretty much straight through. I read books about the bible, essays on the bible, I bought other kinds of bibles and I tried to read them too. I wanted to know what I was working with. It was entirely too much information to process in a short period of time.

So on the day that we practiced our talks I came into the youth room, sat silently in the corner and waited my turn. No one had really seen my talk yet, no one knew what I was about to do. And from what little they knew about me they really had no reason to expect anything out of the ordinary. And I started slow. Started a lot like they would expect me to start. And then I started to pick it up a little. And people chuckled here and there, but they still had no idea.
And then I started talking about Leviticus. Anyone who was here last year knows about my affinity for Leviticus. But they didn’t know back then. So when I spit out the line “And the bible says man shall not lie with animals.” Does anyone else find it a little frightening that God has so little faith in us that feels he has to remind us not to fuck goats?” And everyone in that room who had been nodding off, or doodling on their papers, or whispering to their neighbor every single one of them was suddenly paying total attention.

Everybody has really positive things to say about my talk. I think the most commonly used phrases, "Where the hell did that come from?" and "What the fuck just happened?" But it got me feeling pretty good. Suddenly I had just a little glimmer of hope in what had lately turned into a reasounding clusterfuck of despair.

So the weekend comes, I do my talk, I absolutely kill because I'm in a room full of people that know me and I'm doing something about as out of character for me as you could imagine. And I get to the end of my talk and I was getting ready to play the song, and I told everyone that there aren’t really lyrics to this song so you don’t have to sing or hold hands, but if everyone could just close their eyes I’d like to read to you from the bible while the song plays. So I put on Moby’s memory gospel, and read the last chapter of the bible while I walked up and down the aisle between the seats of the chapel. And when I was done, while everyone’s eyes were still closed and the music still played I slipped out the back door. So that when everyone opened their eyes to clap and line up for hugs…I was gone already.

And I remember standing out in the cafeteria with this big shit eating grin on my face, immensely pleased with myself, just thinking I’ve been here for years…but I just showed up. And I knew that by the time everyone left the room they’d have forgotten everything I said and did, but it didn’t really matter because I knew. I knew what had just happened in there. I’d changed. It was the highlight of my year at that point. I’d felt so shitty for so long, and in one day in just under twenty minutes I’d wiped it all away. I was back.

So Antioch ends, I head home on Sunday night. It was a late Antioch that year and school is off that week. So I just plan on hanging around the house and not doing much. By Tuesday I realized that I haven’t heard from my father for a couple of days. So I try to give him a call, and I just can't seem to get a hold of him. So I start calling around. I call his house, I call the office. No one will tell me where he is, and my first thought is that he's gone off down to Florida and I won't see or hear from him for a few months. It was something that happened a lot back then. But then I talk to his secretary and I start to realize that something's really wrong. And when I finally talk her into telling me she says that he had some sort of heart problem that he refused to call a heart attack and was having open heart surgery. And he just wasn't going to tell my brother and I about it. While this is going on my mother hears from her doctor that she's got a lump. And they're afraid that it's cancer. So they're getting her all ready to do a biopsy to find out. And I'm just thinking finally things were starting to shake out for me and now all this shit is going wrong. So that Wednesday morning, my mother wakes me up, tells me she's going to visit my grandmother down in Bayonne and that I should go with her. But I'm tired. So I don't go. And two days later my grandmother dies.

I’d lost people before. People I cared about, people I loved. But my grandmother was special to me because I was always her favorite. She was the only one who was always on my side. She knew things the rest of my family didn’t, she saw things that they refused to see. And she was always on my side. And it took the wind out of me knowing that she was gone, knowing that I didn’t go see her when I could have, and now I couldn’t.

I just remember thinking about how a few days before I’d been on about as high of a high as you could get, and suddenly here I am in the shitter again. I couldn’t figure out if God loved me or he just loved fucking with me because I felt like I’d just been kicked hard in the balls and I really wasn’t sure what was coming next.

We get down to her house that morning and my grandfather is sitting out in his chair in the front room not reading the paper, not watching tv, just sort of sitting by himself. My aunt was sitting at the kitchen table, my little cousin crawling around in the back room. And my aunt told us how my grandmother died, told us how horrible it was to see, it was quick but it was sudden and there was a lot of blood and a lot of pain and when she told us how they’d zipped my grandmother up in the body bag right in front of her I was the only one who wasn’t sobbing. My aunt had managed to clean up before we got there but she must have missed a spot because my little cousin came crawling out to me and I remember picking her up. She was wearing this corduroy outfit with white stockings and when I picked her up I noticed that there was just a single thin streak of red, and I knew what it was right away. And I just picked my cousin up and went and sat on the couch and bawled my eyes out. And it felt like I cried for hours, but when I finally got right I realized it had only been a few minutes and my aunt took my cousin to clean her up and I just sat there on the couch thinking, “That was the worst of it. Now we’re ok.” And even though I knew that, even though I knew it was true. I still didn’t feel ok.

We make all the arrangements. I don’t go back to school on Monday, after the wake and the funeral and visiting my dad in the hospital I decide to take the whole week off of school. I drive back up to Poughkeepsie that following Monday thinking that I’ve had two weeks off but I’m going back more beat up then when I left. I got back to Poughkeepsie late Monday afternoon, pretty much everyone is in class or already out for the night. I look like hell, my hair is all woofing I haven’t shaved in a week there are these dark bags under my eyes and here I am wandering into the dorm still in a bit of a daze. I wasn’t as fat and ugly then as I am now, but I was still big enough that I took up most of the dorm hall and about halfway to my room there’s this girl coming towards me. I don’t remember her name now but I knew it then, I think I’d only talked to her once before. I didn’t really talk to many people up there. And as we come to the same point in the hallway I kind of turn to the side so she could get past and mumble an apology for being in the way, but instead of continuing down the hallway she stops. And she’s looking at me with this surprised look on her face, so I think I’ve done something wrong and I’m about to apologize again, but before I can she says, “You’re back.” And I was so pleased that someone noticed I was gone that I started to grin a little and she says, “We were wondering what happened to you.” And I said “It was a rough week...but I’m ok now.” And she probably thought I mean that I’d drank too much or gotten a little too crazy on Spring Break, because again no one really knew me up there, but she just smiled and said “Good.” and continued on her way. And I don’t think I ever talked to her again after that, but it was the first and last time I ever felt like I didn’t totally fail at my freshman year of college. And when I got back to my dorm room I just remember sitting there and thinking two weeks ago I was definitely not ok, and I was beginning to doubt I ever would be again. But then I did this talk, and I felt really good for the first time in a long time. And then the wicked whirlwind of the next week knocked me down. And ten days ago I wasn’t ok, but because of this place I knew that I would be ok eventually. I just didn’t know how long it would take. And that day standing in the hallway of Leo Hall in Poughkeepsie, New York I found out. Shortly later my father was back up and about and for a few weeks he wasn’t even a miserable son of a bitch like always, after a little bit of worry my mom’s biopsy came back all clear so that was nice, Gram was still dead…but two out of three ain’t bad. And I was ok for awhile. And then when I wasn’t, I just took comfort in knowing that I would be at some point.

That was the first that Antioch literally saved my life. Not because I experienced this total change, not because I did a 180 on anything. Just because it helped me get through something I know I wouldn't have gotten through otherwise. And it's been doing that pretty much every year since.

It wasn't the church that got me through, it wasn't even God. It was the people sitting right where you're sitting now. And it's been the people sitting there for over thirteen years now.

I knew very early on in my Antioch experience that I wasn’t going to be able to reach anyone with my stories. Everyone else had these stories about these great things they’d done or these horrible things that happened to them. They had something which would help other people relate to them. I didn’t have that. I’ve never done anything, nothing’s ever happened to me. Most of the time I’m incredibly grateful for that. But it also means that I'm very often defined by my quirks more so than my character. And I just wanted to take a minute to talk about one of my quirks that has been a minor topic of conversation for many many years at this point.

See I have this thing about hugs.

Some of you may have noticed that I'm not the most outwardly affectionate person in the world. I used to say, I won't hug you, but I'll shake your hand twice if that makes you feel any better about it. Or some other random silly thing. And then it kind of went from being my thing that I didn't hug to being other people's thing that I didn't hug. And it was all in good fun, a joke really that just sort of grew with time till it was a quirk that was a part of my character. And I was fine with because I wasn't really comfortable with hugging everybody and I wasn't too keen at all on the idea that people felt obligated to hug me. It's not really the way I was raised. You always hear people joke about things like this, but I really wasn't hugged enough as a child. And when I was it was because it really meant something.

You see a hug should say I love you, or at the very least I care. It shouldn't be a casual plesantry, it shouldn't be an obligation. A hug can say hello, or it can say goodbye. A hug can say it was nice to see you. A hug can say I'm here for you, or that everything is going to be ok. A hug can say a lot of things. But it should always say I love you. Or at the very least I care. If it doesn't it's just an empty gesture. Not really a hug at all.

I love you guys. I don't say it enough, and sometimes when I do I'm afraid it just seems like I'm saying it because it sounds like the right thing to say. And I just can't think of a way to properly explain how I feel about you guys, but there's this line in my favorite song and it goes, "You think everbody's talking about you. And conspiring to bring you down. You're thinking that nobody loves you. Ever wonder why I'm still around?"

There's just something about this place. Something about you guys. Thank you for everything.

I want to finish with a quick bit from his story, and a quick bit from mine.

The Final Message...

13"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end."
14Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter by the gates into the city.
15Outside are the dogs and the sorcerers and the immoral persons and the murderers and the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices lying.
16"I, Jesus, have sent My angel to testify to you these things for the churches I am the root and the descendant of David, the bright morning star."
17The Spirit and the bride say, "Come " And let the one who hears say, "Come " And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost.
18I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues which are written in this book;
19and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his part from the tree of life and from the holy city, which are written in this book.
20He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming quickly " Amen Come, Lord Jesus.
21The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.

That was Revelations, that was his.

Mine is slightly less inspired, it's from a journal entry titled Bravery-ish-ness, and it’s dated November 7th, 2007:

“And finally. I've just run through another cell phone. The plumbing in my house is shot. My pants don't fit anymore. My shoulder still hurts like a bitch. Even though I'm sitting on a pile of money I can't prove that the company is making any money. I'm sick and tired. I'm bored but busy. Everything and everyone is totally fucked. And Antioch starts this Sunday. So everything is going to be ok...”

There Was Only One Audrey Hepburn

I watched Roman Holiday today. It's been one of my favorites for awhile although until this afternoon I'd never actually watched the movie straight through from start to finish. Odd I know. But haven't we been over this before?

I've always been a fan of Gregory Peck and have never been able to get over how astoundingly beautiful Audrey Hepburn is. The whole movie is just spectacular. Gregory Peck slowly walking out of the hall where the interview takes place at the end of the film is one of the great moments of the silver screen. With the slow staccato of his heels clicking against the floor, the camera leaving just enough space over his shoulder so that we'd have a clear look at Hepburn when she rushes out to stop him from leaving feeding perfectly into the audience's anticipation. And as the long slow walk stretches the music swells up and with it that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. She's not coming to stop him. We're not about to get that perfectly happy ending. And then Peck pauses, and turns, and the whole audience looks back with him. And then he's gone.

Brilliant.

Last night I watched The Wackness. It was pretty good. And Battlestar Galactica was pretty good too. Although I haven't figured out why some things are going on. Suddenly Adama is ok with Tigh being a Cylon? Hotdog was the father of Callie's baby? Gaeta was slipping all along but to completely go over the deep end? That seems like a lot of shit to get resolved in an hour. I don't know.

Anyway...

I'd really hoped to go out tonight, but instead everyone will be coming over to my house to play some cards. It will be good to see the guys, but I don't really give a shit one way or the other about playing poker. I'm sort of surprised I still haven't heard from an "old friend". It's only been a couple of weeks since we talked, but it's well over a month since I paid a visit and that doesn't happen very often. Maybe it's done. Would be sort of nice if it was.

Antioch meeting tomorrow night. Feels like forever even though it's only been a week. I guess it's just been that kind of week.

Next week ain't looking any better, I promise you that. In fact I reckon it will be a whole hell of a lot worse. Funny how that happens. Come so close to getting things all square, and some useless prick goes and unleashes another one of those unholy assfuckings that life seems to be so fond of dealing out.

Kind of curious to see how it all turns out.

The Thought That Lingers

"What are you doing?"


"I'm writing a story."

"A story about what?"


"You."

"Me? You're writing a story about me?"

"Yes."

"I don't like that very much."

"How do you know? You haven't read the story yet."
~

Things used to be easier. Either that or I used to be better at it all. When I used to get over one of my moods I was almost guaranteed a solid (albeit brief) period of happiness, or at the very least peace and quiet. It was a nice bit for me to recharge in. I always called it the bounce. You know, you hit rock bottom...and you bounce. The harder you hit very often the higher you bounce. Not this time apparently, either that or I've vastly misjudged how hard I hit bottom and find myself still sinking.

It's the same old song and dance really. I find myself miserable for a moment without any real reason. Then I feel fine. Then when I start to think about things again I feel miserable, except I actually have a reason. Then I really start thinking about things and I feel pretty good...because I've got it pretty good. It's bothersome when you can't get a handle on things, even if it's something you have under control most of the time. It's a momentary feeling of helplessness, quickly countered by a momentary feeling of disproportionate (and often misguided) rage. And by the time you get through that split second swing of emotions you're already past it and moving on to whatever's next. That's just odd when you think about it.

The last few months have been...well...odd. I know I keep using that word, but anyone who knows me knows exactly how well it applies to everything about me. (I'm a 28 year old nearly 400 pound school bus driver who graduated with high honors from Rutgers University whose 3 major hobbies involve working with church kids, owning a seven foot tall Iron Man and spending too much time with Russian Go-Go Dancers...find me the 'normal' in there and we'll talk.) I've spent too much timing bouncing back and forth between different versions of myself in the past few months. Spent too much time convincing myself of too many things. It's left me feeling sort of 'eh' about everything.


And of course I've been stymied by the very contradiction of change. Everything is changing, yet everything is resoundingly the same. The same old headaches. The same old problems. The same old bullshit. It would be frustrating except it's too infuriating to be anything else. It's like watching the same crappy movie over and over again just in different theaters with different people.


I'm not in a funk right now. There's too much going on for me to be in a funk. I'm rolling with the punches trying to decide which challenges I'm up to and which ones I'm not. I'm coming up on something. Something I'm not to keen on coming up on. So it's starting to look like things are going to get worse before the get better.

I guess we'll just have to see.

~
"I didn't see you there."

"I know."

"You look upset."

"Please forgive this queer little smile of mine, it hides no ill intent."

"I don't know if I believe that."

"You should."

"Fine. I do."

"You know, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"And yet I am."

"Good."

Powers

These last two days have gone wrong something fierce, but in the "Holy shit I can't believe we're doing this again we must all be the dumbest fucking people on the face of the Earth" sort of way. You know, the funny way. So I'm sort of ok with the havoc and destruction we've caused in the past 48 hours or so. I mean it could be worse. There could have been fatalities.

So I've jury rigged my personal DVD player to my treadmill so I could watch some movies while I walk. I watched Serenity yesterday and was quickly reminded why I love that fucking movie. (So no more runnin', I aim to misbehave.) Come on! That's awesome. I just started reading Powers and it seems pretty cool. Promethea ended up being pretty damn good, and I didn't feel like going back to Swampthing so I'm trying Powers out it's pretty cool. Means Nightwatch gets pushed back again but that's ok. I also just read Volume 1 of Young Liars and I thought that was pretty good too. One of the groups picked it up on the Scavenger Hunt on Sunday. So good call them.

I still haven't gotten around to seeing any of the half dozen movies I wanted to see before they announced Oscar noms (The Wrestler, The Reader, Gran Torino, etc.) but I might catch one or two this weekend depending on how quickly my weekend plans get shot to shit.

Nutri-system thing is going pretty well. I was well under 1,500 calories yesterday and am just over 300 calories so far today. But I'm also friggin starving. As of 9 a.m. this morning I was down nearly twenty pounds since last Thursday when I got the scale. Now without eating or drinking anything in the three hours after that I managed to gain six pounds. I know I can drop ten pounds by taking a shit most days but how do I gain six pound without doing anything at all? Fucking odd man.

And of course the deal breaker: the things going on at work. I was shocked how quickly things got out of hand yesterday afternoon. They weren't any better this morning. Before 10 A.M. my father had already screamed at me and made our secretary cry. To him that must have seemed like a banner morning. To me it was just a harbinger of how badly the rest of the day was going to go. So when we really hit our marks, when things really got out of hand, I said my peace and made it pretty clear that there were certain ways I was going to accept things going and certain ways I simply was not. I knew it wouldn't really matter, you don't change a Palomba's mind once it's set I suppose, and it certainly didn't change his mind. But he put up surprisingly little resistance. Maybe he just didn't have any more fight in him today. Either way the situation isn't resolved. But it's resolved enough for now. So onto something else. You know?

I'm thinking of taking a break tonight. No one will be around but I could certainly use a drink (or ten). I haven't heard from and "old friend" in a damn long time and I've been staying away from my shadier haunts for a number of reasons. But I'm thinking maybe it's time to make a pit stop or two. There's just been so much going on that I haven't been able to. So much happening so fast in a world I was getting used to moving at a certain slow pace. Seems like I've been running myself ragged. But I'm about due for a break.

So no more running. I aim to misbehave.

A Duhhhhh......

"Why can't I see past tomorrow?"

That was me yesterday. Seriously.

Life just kicked me in the sac again to make it clear why I'm constantly so frigged.

And you sort of just have to laugh.

I was just telling someone the other night how things have been getting better and better at work in a lot of ways. That I was finally seeing the past five years of around the clock busting my ass start to pay off. With each improvement came a variety of new problems, but the groundwork I had laid allowed me to deal with these problems just about every time without really hurting the company. We've had things happen in the past year which would have been big blows against us in the past but instead have been things we can just work through. I did that. I'm sort of proud of the fact.

The future of this company was also slowly falling into place. Decisions were being made, years of dissent were finally turning into compromise. I was pretty pleased with the way things were going. Even as recently as last night my father and I were working our way through things. And then this afternoon it sort of all blew up. Things we were in agreement on 24 hours ago were now being ignored like they never happened. It was quite infuriating.

So now in the midst of trying to rebuild so much else I add yet another challenge.

Here's the thing.

I know I'm up for it.

I know I'm going to be ok.

Veil

Why can't I see past tomorrow? Why are things that were never clear to me suddenly so obvious while things that always seemed so simple are suddenly anything but?

I don't even have anything proper to be tormented over anymore.

It's all headcase stuff that comes and goes so quickly even I miss it sometimes.

So where does that leave me?

Or does it leave me anywhere at all?

I just don't know.

But it's going to be as interesting as ever finding out I'd wager.

Minus

This is where things get sort of...shady.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. And today I've taken most of the day off. So far today seems pretty decent too. But...I can feel something lurking. Like I'm missing out on something that's going on right this second and I can't quite seem to make contact with it.

It is doubt developing.

There are three things running through my mind right now. At least two of them ain't very good ideas.

I know that though.

So that means I'm safe, right?

A good day stretched as far as it can, another good night lost. Hours left before decisions are made. And before I try again.

Just need to connect.

Just need to see how close I am.

Knights

"Your momma wears a hat."

"No kid, that's not how it works. It's gotta be two parts and funny. You know, like Your momma is so fat she sweats crisco or something like that. Get it?"

"Ok. Yeah. How 'bout Your momma wears a hat...that's purple!"

"Nevermind. Just nevermind."

~

"You don't know. I could be a terrorist. I have really good ideas. Well not good ideas really, bad ideas that are well thought out. You know?"

~

You can definitely tell they're my siblings when they open their mouths. So last night we ended up having dinner at The Cheesecake Factory just me Lila and Danny. It was cool. They get a little out of hand, but it's at least 99.9% my fault most of the time. So you know, all's well that end well. It was really the only time I ate yesterday, but I ate entirely too much and just couldn't hit the treadmill by the time I got home. I would have hurled. So I hit the treadmill again this morning, had my breakfast bar and some fresh fruit and am feeling pretty fine. I don't know exactly how this is working but I got my scale on Thursday. Between Thursday and Saturday I lost 6 lbs. Between yesterday and this morning I lost 4lbs. So 10 lbs. in two days sounds like a lot for a normal person, but for me it could just be my normal weight fluctuation. We'll have to see.

I'm bummed as hell that the weather is bad today because complicates this afternoon's Antioch plans. I'm bummed as hell that I haven't seen the guys in awhile and it doesn't look like that's going to change anytime soon. I bummed as hell that I haven't been scratching around my old haunts in months but that's just sort of the way it has to be right now. So in general I'm bummed as hell. And it ain't really bothering me all that much. So good for me. Or whatever.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Origins

"Look mate, all I'm saying is that this probably isn't the best time for you to get all you about things. Y'know?"

"Haven't I been me this whole time?"

"Well yeah, of course. But you know what I'm saying. You haven't just been you. You've been all of us too. And you need us right now."

"Do I?"

"Yeah, yeah. Definitely. This is some shit you've got going on. You want to keep your head you'll need all the help you can get. And if you take a gander, we're the only ones here. The only ones with your back. You need us."

"I don't belive that."

"Why not?"

"Because I never needed you. I guess I just liked having you around. But I don't know if I do anymore."

"Aw, come on man. We're thick as thieves you and us. We brought you back. Remember? How can you turn your back on us now?"

"I'm walking away."

"No you're not."

"I'm not fighting you guys. I'm not getting rid of you guys. That's not what this is about. I'm just going out on my own for a bit. You understand that don't you?"

"Ay, I suppose I do. But I can't speak for the others."

"Sure you can. That's what we've been doing all along, isn't it?"

"I guess it is. Travel well friend."

"Likewise. I'll see you around man."

"And good luck boy-o, you're going to need it."

Eeyore

I'm hurting a little more than usual right this second. Couldn't tell you why. Although I suppose I could if I thought hard enough on it.

So this turned out to be a pretty good week. We'll call it 6 for 1 against. Although I suppose it could just as easily be 5-2 or even 4-3. But we're optimists right this second. So 6-1 it is.

Today went in the shitter straight away. Although I'm still hoping to pull it out by the skin of my teeth. I've done a lot of thinking today, which could work out either way.

I just finished book 5 of Promethea. I reckon I'll be done that by tonight. I don't think I'll go back to reading Swamp Thing right away though. I think I'm going to try and crack through the Nightwatch books in a week if I can. I did manage to watch Pineapple Express the other night. It was ok. Nothing great, but I liked it. I want to see The Wrestler at some point this week. I should be able to find time. I actually think I'm taking a good chunk of Monday off even if I can't take the whole day off.

The Nutrisystem diet is going ok. It'll be tougher in a week when I run out of the food I actually like but next month should be easier since I changed my order around. I had some pasta the other night because I was starving, but you just can't eat the plan food. You're supposed to add stuff, just make sure it's the right stuff. So I need to work on that a little. I'm back on the treadmill as well. Going to try and get three or four miles under my belt each day. Work my way up, you know? Really making a run at this thing. Just don't feel like dying quite yet.

On the other hand I won't be following the diet tonight. Going to take the kids out to dinner because they're bored as hell. I've actually only eaten 140 calories today. And it's damn near 6:30, so I've got a little wiggle room. Just have to try and behave myself.

Anyway...nobody's around tonight. So if I go out after I drop the kids off it will be myself. Something I'm doing far too often lately...or maybe not often enough.

Wish me luck. It's going to be a long night.

Blood From A Stone

So last night was fun. I'm starting to realize that hanging out with teenagers means I'm going to find myself doing things I did when I was a teenager. We've been bowling twice in the past few weeks, and last night we ended up in a pool hall I haven't been in for at least six years. If not for the company I think I would have found either one of those things to be much less amusing.

The Antioch Scavenger Hunt is coming up this Sunday. I never really like the scavenger hunt because I don't usually get to participate being the one that wrote it. This year we're short official drivers so I'll be driving a team which at least means I'm not sitting around for an hour and a half while the others have fun. So that will be cool. I'm not sure what's going on besides that, maybe something, maybe nothing. We'll have to see.

I've got a ton of shit on my desk, but nothing really to do. Just need to get some tidying up done in the office and then start to take a look at some stuff for next week. Need to get some cleaning up done around the house too. Going to need to rent that second floor out come spring so I need to get the first floor and the basement square pronto.

I just bought a scale for the first time in my life. Had to be a really big scale but it should be here tomorrow. It'll give me a way to measure my progress (or lack thereof). I begrudgingly admit it's something I should have been doing all along, but better late than never.

I'm still not done with Promethea and I still have to finish up reading Moore's run on Swamp Thing. I'll probably get back to the Nightwatch books in the next day or two and I'd really like to pick up a copy of Pineapple Express. It looks funny. I need some funny right about now.

It would be nice to see the guys too. Couple of us had dinner on New Year's, I saw Jere and House for about ten seconds the night before my birthday, and outside that it's been awhile. I just picked up New York Comic Con tickets for Jere, House and I. I have no idea if they actually plan on coming, but I'll certainly be there. It was a blast last year. So why not?

So, uh, yeah...that's about it. This is sort of my first clear moment today. My head isn't quite spinning out of control so I figure I might as well toss something up here that seems vaguely normal before I return to whatever it is that I am the rest of the time.

Under The Wire

You know we're all going through the same things right?

It's not just you. It may feel that way. Hell, you may be absolutely certain of it sometimes. But it's not.

I've never really been able to properly explain this one. Mostly because I don't fully understand it myself. But I learned a long time ago not to tell people, "You don't understand", because there's a very good chance they do.

We could run the numbers. There's nearly seven billion other people floating around out there. That's a big number to get your head around so take a second. Now do me a favor. Think of seven billion different things that could make you mad, or unhappy, or just plain beat. Got 'em? No? How about I make it easier. About 27% of the Earth's population is under the age of 15. Now I know from experience that 15 year olds can be just as screwed up as the rest of us, but it's been awhile since I've been fifteen so let's go ahead and knock that 27% or so out altogether. Shit, knock off another billion for China while you're at it too. Can you think of 4,250,000,000 things? No? Didn't think so.

Now I know what you're all thinking, "Gee Chris, that seems like a whole lot of poor math and vague statistics with no citation." And you're right, so go fuck yourself, but think about it. Is there any chance that there is no one in the entire world feeling as down as you feel right now? That there isn't someone feeling messed up over the same things?

Let's be totally honest here. I'm a pretty fucked up guy sometimes, and even I know that there is someone out there going through pretty close to the same thing that I am. I stretch the definition of normal in just about every way you can imagine and I'm pretty confident that someone out there is going through the exact same shit I am right now.

I don't know why that's comforting exactly, but it is.

I've watched myself struggle on and off for years. Sometimes it's real, sometimes it's all in my head. Sometimes I can even tell the difference. But lately it seems like I've watched more and more people struggling around me. And that sort of makes me sad. I'll get my own shit straightened out at some point. There really isn't any other way it could be. But there's not a whole lot I can do for everyone else. I wish there was, but there isn't. And if you're not so sure if any of those 7 billion people you don't know get it...well maybe they don't. But maybe that guy sitting next to you does. Or maybe that girl you were talking to just a little while ago. Or maybe I do. I just don't know. But I promise...someone get's it. No matter how much it may seem like it, you're not alone.

I don't know why I felt like writing this tonight. It was a good night for me. I had a good time. The good moments in the last week or so far outweigh the bad. There's a shitstorm brewing on the horizon, but we take them as they come nowadays, one at a time with everything we've got. I can't do much though. And all I can say is the same thing I've said before and hope that someone that needs it sees it. I mean I can't stop the rain. And I can't make the sun come out. But I can tell you it's only water, and there are worse things than being wet.

You know what the best part of this is?

I could be talking to myself right now, or I could be talking to you, or I could be talking to one of those other 7 billion people. And it wouldn't make a difference...we're all going through something. And somebody out there understands. Beautiful isn't it?

So take the word of a total stranger.

Or take the advice of a faithful friend.

You're doing just fine.

Take your time.

Be whoever and however you have to be right now.

It's ok.

Smile when you're ready.

The Trick & Muse Revisited...

The Trick

Alright so we're a week into the nutrisystem thing. Last night was the first time I went off the system, but like I said that was part of the plan. I don't usually go out with people more than once a week, so that one time as long as I try and be reasonable I'm good. Now here's the problem. Friday I ate two meals and the snack. No additional food at all. And I was good. I didn't even end up eating dinner because I was busy. Saturday I had dinner and then a small piece of fish later on, I still finished well under the calorie threshold. Yesterday was close but since I substituted a meal instead of eating in addition to a meal I' m pretty sure I made it in under the calorie threshold. When you don't eat the additional calories with each meal you end up with 900 calories to fill reasonably. So last night I probably went a little over that but when you add the 270 calories from the skipped meal there's little chance dinner had more than 1,100 calories in it (although there is a chance). Today is the problem. I had a plan breakfast bar (150 Calories) the black bean and rice lunch (170 calories) the macaroni and cheese dinner (270 calories) and the snack (100 calories) that brings me in at 690 calories. Here's the problem, I stopped at DD for a hot chocolate this morning. Most mornings I don't even drink the damn thing at all, it's just routine. This morning though I drank it. That's 400 calories right there. Now I'm at 1,090. And not in a good way. I also had a vitamin water with lunch. Tack on another 125 calories. So we're checking in at 1,215 calories leaving me with less than 300 calories to play with. And since at least 400 of those calories were a nutritional waste I'm a little dicked...because for the first time I'm really fucking hungry. Not a little hungry, not sort of hungry. Just fucking hungry. So what now?

Muse Revisited...

"Muse /myuz/ –noun

1.

Classical Mythology.

a.

any of a number of sister goddesses, originally given as Aoede (song), Melete (meditation), and Mneme (memory), but latterly and more commonly as the nine daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne who presided over various arts: Calliope (epic poetry), Clio (history), Erato (lyric poetry), Euterpe (music), Melpomene (tragedy), Polyhymnia (religious music), Terpsichore (dance), Thalia (comedy), and Urania (astronomy); identified by the Romans with the Camenae.

b.

any goddess presiding over a particular art.

2.

(sometimes lowercase) the goddess or the power regarded as inspiring a poet, artist, thinker, or the like.

3.

(lowercase) the genius or powers characteristic of a poet.


Women. Can't say enough about them. Can't say anything to them. Perfect. Every god damn one you ever met. So many to talk about, so few to talk to. Women. What would any of us do without them?" - from Muse (October 31st, 2007)



It doesn't seem like it was that long ago but one of my favorite posts (MUSE) was well over a year ago now. And I just thought I'd take a second to look back on a few things from it.



History, Tragedy, and both Lyric and Epic Poetry were long gone by the time I wrote that original post. I think about at least two of them every now and then, but they don't really drive me anymore. There's always the chance one of them will pass back through my life or even my consciousness just long enough for me to to use them in some way shape or form, but for now they're muses of the past, either waiting to be resurrected or replaced.



Dance is gone too. No idea what happened to that one. Just don't seem to need her anymore. She wasn't one of the stronger muses anyway, but I certainly wouldn't discredit what she did for me.



Religious Music continues to inspire me in different ways. As does Astronomy. It's funny how the roles each muse plays change with time and trial. They're both still incredibly important to me. Not just as inspiration, but as people. As friends.



Comedy seems to grow and never really go away. Nothing has changed since last I wrote about this one. It's still exactly the way it was, it's a tragic sort of funny now though.



Music...now here's the kicker. I had literally just met her when I first wrote about the muses. I mean it was a matter of days or less. I had no idea how she figured into anything. It was just sort of a gut feeling that she could be even a little important. And now that she's just about gone I can confidently say that she was a very important sort of inspiration, not the greatest by a long shot, but very important nonetheless. It's nice when my gut feeling's pan out in one way or another.

The Alter-World Diner, Flashing Forward, And Rewriting The Good News

The Alter-World Diner
So the other night I had a dream. I walked into this diner that I've never been in before. As soon as I walked in I saw this girl I know sitting with some guy I didn't recognize. She didn't see me even though she was looking right at me, so I didn't bother her I just went and sat down. The people who own the comic shop I frequent apparently ran this diner in the Alter-World. It was a very busy place. Lots of people coming and going. I don't remember any waiters or waitresses bringing food though, it just sort of appeared. So I sit at this table on the other side of the diner from the girl I knew, I sit right up against a divider so she can't even see me. I don't want to somehow embarass her. But suddenly she's sitting just on the other side of the divider chatting with the guy. Now I feel creepy being able to hear their entire conversation, but I can't really move too far without her seeing me and I'm afraid she'll think I was eavesdropping. So I move to the counter which wasn't there a second ago and I begin to chat with the couple who owns the place. They don't seem to know they own a comic shop in the real world. They just know they own the diner in the Alter-World. I find this amusing. Now I'm back at the booth, my father is sitting across from me and we're talking about how well the diner is running. My father thinks maybe he wants to run a diner. A guy I knew from college is a few booths away from us. He hasn't seen me yet, when he does he doesn't know me. My father is gone. There's this girl I've talked to a few times there. She's cute. But she knows she's in a dream somehow. She's bothered that I'm dreaming about her. I try to explain how the Alter-World works but it's not making much sense. The girl and the guy from when I walked in are now back except we're all sitting at the same table. I'm trying to explain how the dream works, but only two of us know we're in a dream at all. Now they're all gone and I'm sitting across from the guys who seem to have all crammed into one side of the booth, we're all just having a normal conversation even though everyone else in the diner is quiet now and watching us. Now I'm sitting just with the first girl I saw when I walked in. I'm glad the guy is gone, I didn't like him. I don't know why, he seemed alright. She's talking, but I don't hear any of what she's saying. It's not that I'm not paying attention, I am, it's just there are no words coming out of her mouth. I want to shake her to break her out of it, but the Alter-World police are there and say I absolutely can not touch her. I'm walking into the diner again. The sun shines brightly through the windows. The room is absolutely empty. I stand there for a moment and I can feel the warmth radiate through me. I'm walking into the diner, there's this girl I know sitting there. I feel weak.



Flashing Forward
So last night as we sat in Applebees I became confused for a moment. It wasn't last night. It was next week. We weren't the same group of people. Different things were happening, different conversations were going on. Someone referred to tomorrow and for the second time that night I was uncertain as to what tomorrow was. In large part because I wasn't sure what today was at the moment. It happened again on the car ride home. Just a momentary, uncharacteristic, confusion leaving me unsure of when it was. For some reason it reminded me of a dream I had about Alter-World Disneyland a number of years ago. I don't know what sense that makes.



Rewriting The Good News
I never actually practice my talk in front of the team for Antioch. I used to. But after Antioch 2000 I sort of got a pass on a lot of things. Talks are due on the 25th, I won't be practicing mine yet again. But I want to have it done by then. I wrote a talk months ago. I thought it was pretty good. I liked it at least. It was actually about the talk I gave nine years ago. It was about how much I changed that year, about how many things I understood that I hadn't understood before. I could point at a single moment in my life and say that was where I came up. It was a nice feeling. How do I balance that with where I'm at now though? So I'm starting again. Rewriting from scratch and we'll see what happens next. Anyway...I'll be back with more later.

The Merciless

Day 6 of Nutrisystem marks the first time I've broken, of course that was sort of the plan. The exception (the 21st meal if you look back at an earlier post) was always there for going out with friends or the whatnot. So I stuck with a grilled chicken sandwich and a salad (I did eat half of an apple and ice cream dessert though). Only thing I didn't count on though is that after nearly a week of eating food that essentially either came in bar or powder form I wasn't going to be able to stomach real food. I felt like I was going to shit my pants it all went through me so quick. Luckily I didn't.

So anyway, I actually managed to rebound last night. I just stayed home and watched Eagle Eye. It was actually decent, but somehow between posting last night and falling asleep I caught a little bounce and was back to being the me I like being for a few minutes. When I found myself wrestling with one of the "others" this morning I sort of just told him he needed to shut the fuck up and then I sort of coasted through the rest of the day. It was surprisingly not difficult.

So back to me almost shitting myself. Tonight's Antioch meeting was short and we headed off to Applebee's for a quick bite. It was interesting as always. Next week we'll be doing our scavenger hunt then a few other quick things, only a couple of more meetings after that and then it's time for the weekend. And then it's time for deciding what's next.

I just finished book 2 of Promethea, I'll probably finish up the rest in the next day or two. I'm going to get back to reading the Nightwatch Trilogy and I have four books of Swamp Thing on the backburner. Not sure what's next on the reading list after that. There's a lot of good movies I haven't gotten around to seeing yet that will probably start popping up on DVD right around Oscar time so that could be cool.

I'm getting to the point where I have to start coming up with a financial plan. I've never really planned on living that long, so I wasn't really all that worried about it. But now that I'm actually actively trying to not die for just a little while I probably should think of something. I tore through an ungodly amount of money in 2007, but then again that's what happens when they make things like 7 foot tall Iron Man statues and you basically have a go-go dancer on retainer. Yeah, this shit only happens to me folks. So I've got to start planning long term, and by long term I mean recognizing the fact that I might actually be alive long enough to see 30, something that up until the last few months or so I've had absolutely no interest in doing and really not thought I had much of a chance of. Funny. It seems like the swing is getting wider. When I go down I may get crazier than I used to, but when I come back up I might actually be more sane than ever before. Ok, so funny might not be the word, but I think I've called myself fucking odd enough times for one night.

Anyway I had quite a bit more to say tonight, but I've just had a rather horrifying revelation and I sort of need to go home and prepare for the shitstorm that I'm almost certain to put myself through between now and when the sun comes up.

Night all.

God Hates Bowling

I could make this post about a lot of things.

I could ramble on about The Magic Two, wax nostalgic about Taboo, or crack wise about jacking off a duck.

But the truth is, like so much, you just had to be there.

I'm horribly depressed today. I don't know why. I really should say that I'm horribly depressed tonight. Last night I went to sleep happy. This morning I woke up the same way. And by the time I shook out the cobwebs this afternoon I wasn't really feeling much of anything. And then, rather suddenly, it all went south.

Not 24 hours removed from what I would consider another great night I find myself in the hole, not deep in the hole mind you, but in the hole nonetheless. I just can't figure out how this works anymore.

I'll break down the last seven days. Saturday was a good day, felt a little uncomfortable, had that little tickle I get when I'm on the verge of getting twitchy. But it was good. Notch that one in the win column. Sunday was another winner, which is surprising because usually my birthday is a solid loss. Monday I surprisingly avoided the letdown, fought off a case of the doldrums, and powered through knowing that Tuesday was going to be rough. So Monday wasn't great, but it was a win as well. Tuesday's a loss. Could have been worse though. So it's a loss but not bad one. Not one that did any real damage (as far as I can recall that is). Wednesday is a win, but barely. It was a tough day, but a good night. So it slides into the win column because this wasn't the kind of week where anything's a tie. Thursday is a loss, and a bad one at that. But not one I couldn't recover from. Friday is another win, it was an easy day and a fun night. So it's a clear win, not even close, but it also had its repercussions because it sort of set the stage for today.

And today is turning into a fight. Most of today is a blur. I slept a lot. But I was awake a lot too. I just wasn't doing anything. I think this is what got me. I feally feel like I wasted the momentum I had going this week. That will make tomorrow rougher than it should be. There are things I could do to pull today out of the shitter. Nothing special. But things I could do. I think I'd rather let this one die a quiet death. Go home, watch a movie, call it a night. Start fresh tomorrow...

Sounds like a plan almost.

Staid

The Wall

There is a sound. Sometimes it is a happy sound, so loud and strong it fills us with joy no matter how bleak the future seems. Sometimes it is a sad sound, so fragile and broken that its' echoes haunt us no matter where we go. It is a fickle sound, but one we require. One we search for. We chase it now...

We've encountered a wall.

This wall takes the form of failures we would have had but for lack of trying. On it are scrawled things like 'Rejected by a pretty girl', 'Didn't get the job', 'Failed to reach the summit', 'Couldn't lose the weight', 'Didn't make the cut', and 'Story got sent back'.

This wall of would be failures looms large a now constant reminder of the limitations of success-by-stagnancy. The old men we would have been stand stock still at the foot of the wall, cadaverous harbingers of futures unseen.

Obsidian windows lay at the end of long dark porticoes, eyes for us to stare through. Here we see the mothers of our unborn children, in another the warriors we would have stood with in fights we left unfought.

And as we stumble through the the thorny undergrowth along the wall, each prick a frustration or regret we've almost forgotten ('I wanted to make a right there', 'Why didn't I wear a tie?', 'I should have ordered the fish'), we find a door. The door. And we realize that this wall isn't a barrier...it's a building. A home for everything that wasn't perfect in our lives.

It's a very large building.

The door is open. The wall stretches in all directions, there is no way around. We have no choice but to step inside. The door closes behind us.

To the left stands our 4th grade teacher, she wants to play a game. We're not totally comfortable with the idea, but we play along as it's all in good fun. There is deception. We feel guilty, and crack quickly. Later we feel badly. Ten year old apologies. Not worth the tears that swallow them.

A little further down the hall is the pretty girl in our freshman year biology class. Probably shouldn't have stared so much.

Making a right at the end of the first hall we find ourselves standing in a large cavernous room whose ceiling floats so high above us that it's lost to all but our imaginations. This room is empty. This room is absence. This is the room that would have been filled with all the things we've lost in our lives. Instead it's filled with invisible siblings, sadness and longing.

We retreat. Quickly.

The next hall has several cages. In each sits one fear of ours. In this cage is a cliff, in this one a serpent. In this cage is chewed bubble gum.

Rounding a corner the ghosts of our fathers shamble back and forth, moaning in whispered voices 'You were never good enough', 'We never loved you', 'Why couldn't you have been more like me?' And their glowing hands give way to rotting flesh and now these paternal zombies paw at us as we push our way through.

We are shaken. Tears form in our eyes as we wander through a mausoleum where lie the frozen forms of all those we loved who went before us sitting neatly next to icy blocks which hide the faces of those we would have loved but who passed before we had a chance to know them.

The next room is an atrium and a sun more bright than any we've seen lights sets the room aglow in splendor. Here is fantasy. Every woman we've ever wanted, every toy we never had, every story told the way we wanted. Is this our reward? And then the shadows as clouds pass across the sun the subtle dark reveals the true nature of our desires. Skeletons and cobwebs, aching pain echoing off the remnants of the things we had instead. Misery. Again we run.

And now we pass by a theatre, our sins laid bare on the stage for all the world to see. We pass through rooms of filth and dirt, unsure of what they mean but still carrying with us from them a deep sense of undue guilt. And now we reach a set of stairs that winds down into darkness, that dull steady echo reverberating from a sight unseen. Down we go.

We wander through the silent darkness lost in our memories of sound and light until we reach a wall. There is no exit. We turn around only to find another wall blocking our way back. To both our sides we find the same. We are trapped. It grows darker. It grows hotter. we are afraid.

And then we hear the sound. That dull steady beat that led us down the stairs, now swelling up from somewhere nearby. It grows louder and louder drawing closer till it seems like it is right on top of us, and then it grows louder still. And then we know. The sound is that of our own heartbeat. That which we are chasing has always been inside of us.

A cool breeze tells us the dungeon we're trapped in has changed, and behind us in the distance we see the dimly lit silhouette of a doorway. We move towards it, and when we step through it we find ourselves in the exact same place we started. Standing just outside the door in the wall through which we entered.

Even though everything is the same, we know we've left it all behind.

We move on.

It Could Be Worse

Day 2 of Nutrisystem went roughly the same as Day 1. I had some popcorn at the movies (which means that even though I didn't add butter or salt it still tasted like it was drenched in butter and salt) and although that made things far less healthy than Day 1 I was still well under the calorie threshold.

For breakfast I had some sort of cinnamon bar, it wasn't bad. For lunch I tried the black beans and rice. It was really good, but again not very much to it. Dinner was Pasta Fagioli, again not bad. I ate a banana with dinner to fill up a bit. I did err by having some popcorn at the movies. Air popped popcorn at home would have been acceptable, movie theater popcorn probably not so much. The plan dessert was a surprisingly not shitty brownie. I still went to bed pretty friggin' hungry.

Yesterday was a shit work day. I did manage to head over to Joker's Child with Danny late in the afternoon. I picked up the latest volume of The Walking Dead. It was good but not a lot happened in it. I also picked up the two Hot Toys Joker figures. I've been staying away from 1/6 scale action figures in part because they're really toys as opposed to statues, in part because it's like buying a really expensive action figure, and in part because there are so many of them if I get into it I'll have nowhere to put them. I'm still searching for a good Joker statue though, and these two figures were pretty cool. It did mean I spent roughly $300 more than I had planned to.

Lila tagged along to the movies with some of the Antioch people, we saw Twilight. I disliked it as much as I did the first time. It's not even that it's horrible, it's just that it's not good. Robert Pattinson isn't great, but he's not bad. Kristen Stewart is a cute kid, and it seems like she can actually act, she just must have chosen not to in this one. Even Catherine Hardwicke's work doesn't repluse me. Thirteen was decent and I thought Lords of Dogtown was pretty good. I've always been a big fan of vampire and werewolf stories. This one though...not so much. I don't know. Maybe it's just a girl thing, and therefore I automatically don't get it.

Anyway...I'll be back later today with a few more thoughts on a few more things (my continuing bouts of borderline psychosis, the gremlins living in my armchair, and a brief synopsis of my ever growing plans for 2009). Later...

S'update

So...it's pretty late and I'm still at the office.

I know, you're shocked right?

I'm just finishing up the books, not even going to clean up my desk, and I'm about to head out. Tomorrow is going to be a ton of fun. And by a ton of fun I mean most of the day is going to make me want to gouge my eyes out. The highlight of the day will hopefully be seeing Twilight with some of the Antioch people. I want you to think long and hard about that. The highlight of my day will hopefully be seeing Twilight... Getting the picture about what tomorrow is going to be like?

This also marks nearly the end of day one with Nutrisystem. So far today between breakfast, lunch and dinner I've ingested 550 calories. I'm pretty sure if you picked your nose and ate it that would be more than 550 calories. I've got my "snack" left, that will add another 100 calories or so to the daily total but that still puts me at less than half of what I'm supposed to eat. Which means that the "additional food requirements" I'm supposed to add to this "complete meal system" make up more than half the calories required for the day. Would that make this shit the "additional food requirements" and everything else just stuff I'm supposed to eat?

Crap.

Day One and I'm already debating just dying instead of putting up with this shit.

Ha...

Aftertaste

Nutrisystem: First Impressions

So my Nutrisystem package came yesterday. It will be the first time in my life I've ever actually been on a real diet. I don't plan on doing what they tell me at all. Mostly because I don't like following instructions. But also because after being reassured ten times that no outside ingredients would be required for the plan food I find that the food in the box was all ready, but each meal is supposed to include other outside food to be a complete meal. I guess it's not a good sign that I'm too lazy to go fucking shopping. Probably doesn't bode well for success on this one. But on the bright side trying to survive strictly on what comes in the box could lead to faster weight loss...either through starvation or decay.

The box was surprisingly small but surprisingly heavy. Afterall there was a "month's" worth of "food" packed in there. I emptied a cabinet of it's previous residents (cans of vegetables I never got around to eating and three boxes of Rice-A-Roni I bought sometime back in '06) and packed all this shit into it. Just to be cutesy I arranged stuff in order of when it's supposed to be eaten. Oddly more than half of the shit came in the form of a candy bar and involved the word chocolate. I don't know how I feel about that.

For my last meal I ate some left-over stew my mother made and the remains of my 28th Birthday cake. All the other food in my house went straight in the trash. I'm now officially commited...and I probably should be commited if I think there's even a remote chance of this working. I'll be the world's first person to both starve to death and not lose any weight at the same time. Which would sort of defeat the purpose because this isn't about losing weight. It's about not dying. Ever. Like forever ever.

But seriously...

This morning when I got to the office I started my first plan meal. For breakfast I tried an apple scone. Now I think you're supposed to have one serving of dairy and one serving of fruit with breakfast. I had a glass of water. Fuck the plan.

First off it took me three tries to rip open the damn package. Apparently the main way the diet helps you lose weight is by preventing you from being able to take the food out of the wrapping. So either you need to eat the plastic or starve. I can only imagine how tough it will be to open up one of these things when I'm weak from having not eaten any real food for a month. When I finally do get the package open I'm a little confused. The scone looked like a square piece of bread, or a flat muffin, or a giant semi-retarded fig newton. Since I don't know what a scone is supposed to look like I'm just going to assume that was it. So I took a bite out of the thing and I was actually pleasantly surprised. It was a little dry and sort of sweet. It was like eating cake almost. Since I don't know what a scone is supposed to taste like I'm just going to assume that was it. It obviously wasn't going to fill me up but that's sort of the point. Now here's where things went wrong. After that first bite someone walked into the office and started talking to me. I didn't want to be rude so I stopped eating while they did. They talked for about three minutes. At the end of those three minutes I could still taste that first bite of scone. It was just getting progressively worse though. It was like my tongue was remembering what the scone tasted like and slowly ruining it. The aftertaste was so strong that it dominated the taste of the second bite of the scone and every bite after that. It's been like twenty minutes and I still have the aftertaste.

I don't know if this is going to work out.

Stay Cool, Chill Out

Well...my NutriSystem pre-packaged meals arrived just a few hours ago. Which means I start tomorrow. So tonight I grabbed two white castle cheeseburgers, some clam strips, and some fries to mark the beginning of the end. Starting tomorrow at least twenty of the twenty one regularly scheduled meals each week will consist of nothing but a nutrisystem single serving and water. If I go out for dinner with the team or with the guys once a week I'll stick with fish and vegetables, but I'll go outside of the diet.

I reckon I'll be dead before St.Patrick's Day.

So after the brilliance that was yesterday I went home and played video games all night long. I finally cashed it in just shy of sunrise and promptly showed up for work a few hours later. I only stayed around for a minute before jetting down to South South Jersey to meet up with a fellow about a Thor Statue.

I know...only me.

The day was looking rougher than expected so I really had to move to get down there and back. I popped in to D&D for my hot chocolate, and hit the highway doing somewhere north of ninety. You ever drive so far so fast that when you get where you're going you're actually out of breath? No? Yeah, me neither.

But anyway I got the statue (which rocks) shot back up like a damn rocket and proceeded to do nothing for the next several hours. I ain't feeling well (I mean I feel great, but I don't feel well, you follow? No? Fuck you then).

So in just a bit I'll close up shop and head home to get some sleep (and by sleep I mean play videogames.) and then tomorrow morning I'll pick up my new food and try to choke a bit of it down. This is going to be interesting. Real interesting.

Wednesday night I think I'm going to see Twilight again (What? Really? Has Hell frozen over already?), Friday night is the Antioch Lock-In. Sunday I believe is our Scavenger Hunt. So it will be a busy couple of days. Which is sort of good. Busy will help right now.

Speaking of busy, tomorrow is going to be a shit day at work. So I really should get the rest of this shit finished and get home tonight. Really. No more stalling. Really.

Shit.

A Complete Day

If I should fall from grace with god

Where no doctor can relieve me

If I'm buried 'neath the sod

But the angels won't receive me

Let me go boys

Let me go boys

Let me go down in the mud

Where the rivers all run dry

- from "If I Should Fall From Grace With God" by The Pogues

x

Well, well, well...I'm still here.

x

I have to say there was a few minutes there where I was a little worried.

x

So my 28th birthday turned out to be one of the best ever. I got to see some of my favorite people in the world not once, but twice on my birthday. I started and ended the day with a glass of whiskey in my hand. And people got me gifts, not just any gifts either, but things I actually liked. I'm not big on getting gifts, but it's really nice when people get you something that you end up actually thinking is cool. Couple bottles of liquor and a really cool book about Japanese Batman Comics. I mean come on, that all just screams me.

x

The Antioch Christmas party went really well. We had dinner over at Bottagra and it was great. The food was amazing and they gave us our own little room off to the side (do restaurants intuitively know we're trouble when they see us coming?). It was pricey, but well worth it.

Earlier in the day I got to hang out with the kids a bit. Played some games with them and my mom. Had some cake. It was real good.

x

Of course once I'd dropped everyone off for the night I stopped back in here at the office to clean my desk off a bit and make a few notes here. And then just before midnight, as I sat here working away my phone lit up with a message. It was someone I hadn't neccesarily expected to hear from with last minute birthday wishes. I chuckled a little at the oddness that is my life and then sat at my desk just grinning for a few minutes. It had been that kind of day.

x

After everything that's happened in the past year, everything I've done and gone through, everything I've got my self ready to go through this year...it was the kind of day I needed.

x

'Night all...

Have A Good Day

The Fourth of January. It's like the Fourth of July, except instead of fireworks you get me.

I've just turned 28 years old. Just now. Like right now. Like if now is now then just a few minutes ago. You see what I'm saying?

Right? Right?

Yeah, so. I'm 28. Feels a lot like 27...and 26...and 25...and 24. Reckon 29 will feel pretty much the same if I get that far.

So I'm 28 years old. Great.

Still can't bowl for shit.

But...really...

I got to spend tonight with a great group of people. A group of people I missed a great deal even though it's only been a week or two since I last saw them. It reminded me of how lucky I am, it reminded me of how far away from them all I really am though. So it was a good night, but a mixed blessing.

I wish I could say that it got me thinking more than usual, but it didn't. I think too much already, this certainly hasn't changed anything (although it's still early). I'm 28 years old. I've got a nice business, but I'm piss broke. I got a nice little house, but it's filthy and reaks of dog ass. I've got a nice car, some interesting hobbies, and a great number of friends. So I'm probably not as close to my close friends as I used to be. Not in the way we feel about each other, but in the time we have to see each other. A lot of the friends I do manage to see every week are teenagers, it's great but a little odd. My closest confidant these past few months is a go-go dancer, it's great but a little odd. I've lost my mind and found it so many times in the past 12 months that I'm beginning to wonder how long I can keep doing this for. I mean, I'm great...but a little odd. So it's been a weird stretch. A tiresome stretch. And at the end is the same thing that was at the beginning...another year. I guess as long as I can keep saying that everything will be a-ok.

When I got back into the office just now there was a card on my desk. It was from my father and his wife wishing me a happy birthday. Other years he's been late, sometimes as much as a month. This time he was early. Nice of him. Inside the card was a simple note, it read only, "Have a good day."

My father has never been much for advice (when I turned eighteen his words of wisdom were, "Best place to meet women is in a hotel bar, it's both easy and convenient." God bless that man...) but these few short words left on my desk might just be the best advice he's ever given me (yes, even better than the hotel thing.)

Have a good day.

It's a start.

Happy Birthday to me...

Rum Sodomy & The Lash

"You can't change it all at once."

"That's fine. We've got a year."

"Six months."

"Really? Shit. We better get started then shouldn't we?"

~

"What if we just tossed it all on its ass end and started over?"

"Never work."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I mean...shit. Why the hell not, right?"

"That's the spirit. Let's go."

~

"You can't possibly pull that off."

"No, I can't. But we can."

"We?"

"Come on...you know you miss it."

"I do."

"Then?"

"Let's go."

~

"I think it's time."

"And if it's not?"

"Well then what's worse? Going off early, or never going off at all?"

"When you put it like that..."

"The Old Ghosts are back together...it's now or never man."

"Let's do it. Let's light this fucker up."

Crusade

Happier New Year.

My secretary gave me a card for Christmas and on the inside she wrote, "Merry Christmas & A Happier New Year."

It's just her English. I don't think she was trying to say something.

But it got me thinking (as seemingly pointless and random things often do).

We're always going around wishing people a Happy New Year. Maybe we're asking too much. What are the chances that the new year is really going to be happy? It's a new year, not a new life. It's likely going to be much like the last year was. So yeah, it's great to wish someone a Happy New Year, but it's also overly optimistic. If the year isn't perfectly happy is it a failure? I think not. But from now on I'll be wishing people a Happier New Year. If last year was happy, fantastic, hope this one is even happier. If last year wasn't happy, well here's to hoping that this one is happier.

So Happier New Year everybody.

2008 was one of those unholy assfuck years for me. The sort where I was rarely sure if I was coming or going and even if I knew I wasn't rightly sure where I was coming from or where I was going to.

It was great.

But it sucked.

And 2009 is guaranteed to start off in pretty much the same way. But 365 days is a long time in the same way that 24 hours or 60 seconds can be a long time when you're not really sure how long you've got left to go. So a lot can change, and I'm certainly counting on just that happening. See it's not the way you start...it's how you finish.

I've got a lot going on. And by a lot going on I mean absolutely nothing. Truth is it's all sort of in my head. And it just keeps building and building and building until I need to pull a brain drain here or there or wherever I happen to be. There's been a lot of that going on. If I look back on 2008 I can sort things down a pretty certain line. January had its' rough moments early on but sorted out pretty well so that's a tick in the win column. February worked the opposite way starting out nice and ending up shit. Still I was better off at the end then I had expected so in retrospect I'll call the second month a push even though it was leaning hard towards fail. March goes down as a loss just because I was still shaken and so much shit went wrong that month I can't fairly call it a win. So it's a hard loss, but probably the most interesting loss I've had in awhile. I had some of my best days in April, I also had some of my worst days in April. Sounds like a push, but I'm going to call it a win instead (because I fucking can) and apply the same caveat as I did to March. April was a win, but it was a hard win. I'm going to call May a push because I don't recall most of the month. The last few days of May were good but I don't think they were good enough. June's a loss as well which puts us at 2 for, two against, and two even as we hit the halfway mark. July's a long awaited win, August was almost a win but instead becomes a push because of a mid-month bout of the doldrums. September is a win because I handled it so masterfully, October is a push for the exact opposite reason. October wasn't as bad at it could have been because I got some things right, but I fucked it up so badly in the end that it laid the horrible groundwork for the rest of the year going wrong. November is a definite loss, December goes the same way but is much closer that I would have thought in the beginning. Final tally for the year? 4 wins, 4 losses, 4 ties. Fuck, that was a waste of time wasn't it?

So the last twelve months were eh, but even as I say that I know how much worse they could have been. The last few days have been sort of eh, but the same goes for them.

And what comes next?

Well early on the horizon are a couple of things. Sunday is my birthday. It might actually be the first time I've ever been excited about my birthday, not because it's my birthday but also because it just so happens to be the day of the Antioch Christmas party. I'm taking everyone to Bottagra which is going to be pretty nice I think. My first month's worth of Nutri-System meals should arrive next week as well. It's been nice taking a break from the "diet" the past few weeks, it hadn't been going well anyway. But it's time to try again, time to try harder, time to try and get this right. Because if I haven't started to see improvement by the end of March we're going to have to start talking surgery. And I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet. Antioch is coming up quick as well. I'm excited about that too. And then I've got to start thinking about whatever is next. My whole world is going to sort of shut off after February it seems like. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. I've got enough things to keep my busy for the next two months, enough money to survive that long. And then after that...who the fuck knows what I'm going to do? It should be, at the very least, interesting.

I'm turning over an idea in my head. It's a silly idea, but it sort of intrigues me. We were talking about walking across the GW Bridge awhile back, just because we'd never done it. But now I'm thinking why not walk the length of Manhattan Island? Start all the way up in Inwood Hill Park and finish all the way down in Battery Park. It's something like 16 miles. It would take us all day. It would be a blast. I know I'm in no shape to try it now, but maybe in a few months I'll have made enough progress to give it a try. Whether anyone comes with me or not.

I'm also thinking about going out to California for a few days to visit my cousin James. It will be my first vacation in over 5 years. I might also make a run at Canada for a few days, and I don't know where else. I just know I've got to take some time for myself otherwise I'm going to burn out fast.

I can't seem to get into The Swamp Thing comic I'm trying to read and I'm starting to wonder if I've read all the comics I'm interested in reading. Now starts the waiting game, just waiting for new trades of the comics I've already read. NY Comic-Con is in February so I'll be going to that, might try and travel to another con with my cousin if possible. Watchmen comes out in March hopefully, can't wait to see that.

My ten year high school reunion is coming up, don't know how I feel about that.

My little sister starts high school in the fall, that's scarier than shit.

It's going to be an interesting year. Lots I want to do, lots I'm going to try and do. Something to fill the void, you know?

It's funny though. I remember wondering once when I was a little kid, maybe four or five, how long I would live for. And I remember then thinking of the highest number I could think of that seemed like it could realistically be an age and I decided that would be how old I would live to be. I was thinking of the number 28.

I'll be 28 in three days.

Doesn't seem like such a high number now.

So I guess my only real goal for 2009 is the same as my goal for any other year.

Survive.

Happier New Year.