Aftertaste

Nutrisystem: First Impressions

So my Nutrisystem package came yesterday. It will be the first time in my life I've ever actually been on a real diet. I don't plan on doing what they tell me at all. Mostly because I don't like following instructions. But also because after being reassured ten times that no outside ingredients would be required for the plan food I find that the food in the box was all ready, but each meal is supposed to include other outside food to be a complete meal. I guess it's not a good sign that I'm too lazy to go fucking shopping. Probably doesn't bode well for success on this one. But on the bright side trying to survive strictly on what comes in the box could lead to faster weight loss...either through starvation or decay.

The box was surprisingly small but surprisingly heavy. Afterall there was a "month's" worth of "food" packed in there. I emptied a cabinet of it's previous residents (cans of vegetables I never got around to eating and three boxes of Rice-A-Roni I bought sometime back in '06) and packed all this shit into it. Just to be cutesy I arranged stuff in order of when it's supposed to be eaten. Oddly more than half of the shit came in the form of a candy bar and involved the word chocolate. I don't know how I feel about that.

For my last meal I ate some left-over stew my mother made and the remains of my 28th Birthday cake. All the other food in my house went straight in the trash. I'm now officially commited...and I probably should be commited if I think there's even a remote chance of this working. I'll be the world's first person to both starve to death and not lose any weight at the same time. Which would sort of defeat the purpose because this isn't about losing weight. It's about not dying. Ever. Like forever ever.

But seriously...

This morning when I got to the office I started my first plan meal. For breakfast I tried an apple scone. Now I think you're supposed to have one serving of dairy and one serving of fruit with breakfast. I had a glass of water. Fuck the plan.

First off it took me three tries to rip open the damn package. Apparently the main way the diet helps you lose weight is by preventing you from being able to take the food out of the wrapping. So either you need to eat the plastic or starve. I can only imagine how tough it will be to open up one of these things when I'm weak from having not eaten any real food for a month. When I finally do get the package open I'm a little confused. The scone looked like a square piece of bread, or a flat muffin, or a giant semi-retarded fig newton. Since I don't know what a scone is supposed to look like I'm just going to assume that was it. So I took a bite out of the thing and I was actually pleasantly surprised. It was a little dry and sort of sweet. It was like eating cake almost. Since I don't know what a scone is supposed to taste like I'm just going to assume that was it. It obviously wasn't going to fill me up but that's sort of the point. Now here's where things went wrong. After that first bite someone walked into the office and started talking to me. I didn't want to be rude so I stopped eating while they did. They talked for about three minutes. At the end of those three minutes I could still taste that first bite of scone. It was just getting progressively worse though. It was like my tongue was remembering what the scone tasted like and slowly ruining it. The aftertaste was so strong that it dominated the taste of the second bite of the scone and every bite after that. It's been like twenty minutes and I still have the aftertaste.

I don't know if this is going to work out.