Crusade

Happier New Year.

My secretary gave me a card for Christmas and on the inside she wrote, "Merry Christmas & A Happier New Year."

It's just her English. I don't think she was trying to say something.

But it got me thinking (as seemingly pointless and random things often do).

We're always going around wishing people a Happy New Year. Maybe we're asking too much. What are the chances that the new year is really going to be happy? It's a new year, not a new life. It's likely going to be much like the last year was. So yeah, it's great to wish someone a Happy New Year, but it's also overly optimistic. If the year isn't perfectly happy is it a failure? I think not. But from now on I'll be wishing people a Happier New Year. If last year was happy, fantastic, hope this one is even happier. If last year wasn't happy, well here's to hoping that this one is happier.

So Happier New Year everybody.

2008 was one of those unholy assfuck years for me. The sort where I was rarely sure if I was coming or going and even if I knew I wasn't rightly sure where I was coming from or where I was going to.

It was great.

But it sucked.

And 2009 is guaranteed to start off in pretty much the same way. But 365 days is a long time in the same way that 24 hours or 60 seconds can be a long time when you're not really sure how long you've got left to go. So a lot can change, and I'm certainly counting on just that happening. See it's not the way you start...it's how you finish.

I've got a lot going on. And by a lot going on I mean absolutely nothing. Truth is it's all sort of in my head. And it just keeps building and building and building until I need to pull a brain drain here or there or wherever I happen to be. There's been a lot of that going on. If I look back on 2008 I can sort things down a pretty certain line. January had its' rough moments early on but sorted out pretty well so that's a tick in the win column. February worked the opposite way starting out nice and ending up shit. Still I was better off at the end then I had expected so in retrospect I'll call the second month a push even though it was leaning hard towards fail. March goes down as a loss just because I was still shaken and so much shit went wrong that month I can't fairly call it a win. So it's a hard loss, but probably the most interesting loss I've had in awhile. I had some of my best days in April, I also had some of my worst days in April. Sounds like a push, but I'm going to call it a win instead (because I fucking can) and apply the same caveat as I did to March. April was a win, but it was a hard win. I'm going to call May a push because I don't recall most of the month. The last few days of May were good but I don't think they were good enough. June's a loss as well which puts us at 2 for, two against, and two even as we hit the halfway mark. July's a long awaited win, August was almost a win but instead becomes a push because of a mid-month bout of the doldrums. September is a win because I handled it so masterfully, October is a push for the exact opposite reason. October wasn't as bad at it could have been because I got some things right, but I fucked it up so badly in the end that it laid the horrible groundwork for the rest of the year going wrong. November is a definite loss, December goes the same way but is much closer that I would have thought in the beginning. Final tally for the year? 4 wins, 4 losses, 4 ties. Fuck, that was a waste of time wasn't it?

So the last twelve months were eh, but even as I say that I know how much worse they could have been. The last few days have been sort of eh, but the same goes for them.

And what comes next?

Well early on the horizon are a couple of things. Sunday is my birthday. It might actually be the first time I've ever been excited about my birthday, not because it's my birthday but also because it just so happens to be the day of the Antioch Christmas party. I'm taking everyone to Bottagra which is going to be pretty nice I think. My first month's worth of Nutri-System meals should arrive next week as well. It's been nice taking a break from the "diet" the past few weeks, it hadn't been going well anyway. But it's time to try again, time to try harder, time to try and get this right. Because if I haven't started to see improvement by the end of March we're going to have to start talking surgery. And I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet. Antioch is coming up quick as well. I'm excited about that too. And then I've got to start thinking about whatever is next. My whole world is going to sort of shut off after February it seems like. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. I've got enough things to keep my busy for the next two months, enough money to survive that long. And then after that...who the fuck knows what I'm going to do? It should be, at the very least, interesting.

I'm turning over an idea in my head. It's a silly idea, but it sort of intrigues me. We were talking about walking across the GW Bridge awhile back, just because we'd never done it. But now I'm thinking why not walk the length of Manhattan Island? Start all the way up in Inwood Hill Park and finish all the way down in Battery Park. It's something like 16 miles. It would take us all day. It would be a blast. I know I'm in no shape to try it now, but maybe in a few months I'll have made enough progress to give it a try. Whether anyone comes with me or not.

I'm also thinking about going out to California for a few days to visit my cousin James. It will be my first vacation in over 5 years. I might also make a run at Canada for a few days, and I don't know where else. I just know I've got to take some time for myself otherwise I'm going to burn out fast.

I can't seem to get into The Swamp Thing comic I'm trying to read and I'm starting to wonder if I've read all the comics I'm interested in reading. Now starts the waiting game, just waiting for new trades of the comics I've already read. NY Comic-Con is in February so I'll be going to that, might try and travel to another con with my cousin if possible. Watchmen comes out in March hopefully, can't wait to see that.

My ten year high school reunion is coming up, don't know how I feel about that.

My little sister starts high school in the fall, that's scarier than shit.

It's going to be an interesting year. Lots I want to do, lots I'm going to try and do. Something to fill the void, you know?

It's funny though. I remember wondering once when I was a little kid, maybe four or five, how long I would live for. And I remember then thinking of the highest number I could think of that seemed like it could realistically be an age and I decided that would be how old I would live to be. I was thinking of the number 28.

I'll be 28 in three days.

Doesn't seem like such a high number now.

So I guess my only real goal for 2009 is the same as my goal for any other year.

Survive.

Happier New Year.