Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

"Not dead, eh? Bit surprised I admit. Spot of luck on your part don't you think?"- T.O. Hob

I love it when this happens. When I get that moment of calm and I can look back and say, "Boy was that a close one." or "Thought they had me there for a second." or "Holy shit, how the hell did I survive that?"

I'm not really sure why I'm feeling so good right now. I haven't seen my friends in weeks, I sort of wish I had an Antioch meeting to go to tonight, and I didn't even get around to seeing an "old friend" last night. Everything seems to be going rather shitty actually. But...

See...here's the thing. No really, this is it. Seriously. I...uh...none of this makes any sense. I don't make any sense. I really don't think I'm supposed to be here. I don't think I'm supposed to be anywhere. I'm not entirely sure what I am. I just know...I'm hanging in there.

So yeah...things are good. For the moment. And in ten minutes when I "decide" everything is all fucked up again I'll just wait an hour or so till things seem like they're good again. And then I'll continue on my way as I always do. Fully recognizing the madness of it all but not really giving a fuck.

I don't know how to just be sad. I don't know how to just be lonely. I've got to be crazy or none of it seems to shake out for me. I know exactly how good I have it. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I know exactly how far from where I want to be I am. And in five minutes I'll have wandered so far from the place I figured this all out it that I'll have lost it all and be left sitting wherever I am thinking "What just happened?"

It's weird. I'm weird. But...I'm ok.

Ain't that some shit?

I suppose it won't last all that long, but I'll take what I can get when I can get it. And right now this is about as much as I could possibly ask for.

So for a bit, just for a bit, I'm going to calm down long enough to actually be whatever it is that I'm calling me right now. And I hope I'll enjoy trying to be sane as much as I enjoy trying to be crazy.