Cod@?

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

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I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

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"God it feels like the whole world done fell in." - Lazarus Jones

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"You ain't kidding Lazzy." - T.O. Hob

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I wish that I could say that everything has simply fallen apart, but that would be a gross misstatement of the facts. The truth is that everything is exactly as it always is and I'm just now beginning to suspect that it isn't supposed to be this way.

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I'm overreacting to some things. I know that. But the very act of overreacting is an irrational one and somehow recognizing the irrationalness of our acts rarely seems to make us anymore rational. Maybe nothing is really going all that wrong. But it sure as hell feels like it is.

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Nothing is ever simple.

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"Quis custodiet

ipsos custodes." - Juvenal, Satires, VI, 347

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Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never

Been this way before

All you can do is try to know

Who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

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You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye

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"Battle not with monsters,

lest ye become a monster,

and if you gaze into the abyss,

the abyss gazes also into you." - Nietzsche

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I can't seem to calm down. I never stop thinking about the things that are going on right now. Even when I manage to push them back, when I manage to hide them behind some trivial task or simple busy work they just find a way to slip through. I can't do anything without thinking about any one of the things going down right now. I go to sleep thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it, and I swear to God I think about it every minute in between. What "it" is keeps changing. That's not a good sign.

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My "problem" has become more dynamic. It's justifying itself now.

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The fact that I used to know that feeling like this came without any rhyme or reason helped me trump it. It didn't help me fix it, it just helped me survive it. This current funk I'm in keeps latching on to any of the things troubling me and just keeps feeding them until they knock me down.

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It really really sucks.

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And so my oft repeated motto, "I'm Palomba. I'm always ok." Is suddenly no longer funny or true. I'm not ok. Far from it. I'm momentarily fucked up. Really fucked up. But...well... I'm not ok but I know I will be. I will be.

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So this is where we sit for now. So far from so much, but so close to absolutely everything. People do change, I know because I did. And because the only hope I've got left is that I'll change again. So I guess the real question should be do people get any better? And I just don't know. I just don't know.

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The sun is shining, but not all is right in the world. Not yet anyhow...not by a longshot.

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"You see things; and you say, 'Why?'

But I dream things that never were;

and I say, "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw

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Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

'Til they're before your eyes

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You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye

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from "The Call" by Regina Spektor