The Thought That Lingers

"What are you doing?"


"I'm writing a story."

"A story about what?"


"You."

"Me? You're writing a story about me?"

"Yes."

"I don't like that very much."

"How do you know? You haven't read the story yet."
~

Things used to be easier. Either that or I used to be better at it all. When I used to get over one of my moods I was almost guaranteed a solid (albeit brief) period of happiness, or at the very least peace and quiet. It was a nice bit for me to recharge in. I always called it the bounce. You know, you hit rock bottom...and you bounce. The harder you hit very often the higher you bounce. Not this time apparently, either that or I've vastly misjudged how hard I hit bottom and find myself still sinking.

It's the same old song and dance really. I find myself miserable for a moment without any real reason. Then I feel fine. Then when I start to think about things again I feel miserable, except I actually have a reason. Then I really start thinking about things and I feel pretty good...because I've got it pretty good. It's bothersome when you can't get a handle on things, even if it's something you have under control most of the time. It's a momentary feeling of helplessness, quickly countered by a momentary feeling of disproportionate (and often misguided) rage. And by the time you get through that split second swing of emotions you're already past it and moving on to whatever's next. That's just odd when you think about it.

The last few months have been...well...odd. I know I keep using that word, but anyone who knows me knows exactly how well it applies to everything about me. (I'm a 28 year old nearly 400 pound school bus driver who graduated with high honors from Rutgers University whose 3 major hobbies involve working with church kids, owning a seven foot tall Iron Man and spending too much time with Russian Go-Go Dancers...find me the 'normal' in there and we'll talk.) I've spent too much timing bouncing back and forth between different versions of myself in the past few months. Spent too much time convincing myself of too many things. It's left me feeling sort of 'eh' about everything.


And of course I've been stymied by the very contradiction of change. Everything is changing, yet everything is resoundingly the same. The same old headaches. The same old problems. The same old bullshit. It would be frustrating except it's too infuriating to be anything else. It's like watching the same crappy movie over and over again just in different theaters with different people.


I'm not in a funk right now. There's too much going on for me to be in a funk. I'm rolling with the punches trying to decide which challenges I'm up to and which ones I'm not. I'm coming up on something. Something I'm not to keen on coming up on. So it's starting to look like things are going to get worse before the get better.

I guess we'll just have to see.

~
"I didn't see you there."

"I know."

"You look upset."

"Please forgive this queer little smile of mine, it hides no ill intent."

"I don't know if I believe that."

"You should."

"Fine. I do."

"You know, I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"And yet I am."

"Good."