Tribulations

I was trying to find something and I just pulled this one out of the archives, it reminded me of some things. I write often of my ups and downs and sometimes I spend too much time reminding people that I very well know that when I'm up at some point I'll be down and when I'm down at some point I'll be up. I'm trying not to focus on that this time. I'm up...and I intend to do everything I can to stay here. So in looking for something I wrote a long time ago I instead found this and realized how much I love the opening to that post. So take a look back a year if you will, and then read on for what's got me going today.

3-15-08: A Certain Kind Of Melancholy


Something in my mind has cauterized, where once blue sparks ignited flames there now remains a singular sizzle.

It just doesn't work the same anymore.

It seems I threw the baby out with the bathwater. When I left the madness behind I left a bit of that old brilliance too. I don't reckon it will be easy to get back either.

I know how it went of course. I just don't know why.

It started simply enough, I cut myself off from the others and waited just long enough for them to begin to die out. The fewer they were the weaker they are.

Rigby fell off first, as he tends to do. No one is quite sure where he went or what exactly happened to him. Probably better off that way. The Beast, though always lurking in some ephemereal form, hadn't really been seen in awhile so he went fairly quietly too. Kong put up more of a fight, but even he couldn't stand up under the scrutiny of a momentarily rational mind. Jonesy went next, with the grace and wit expected of a right bastard such as he. King stepped aside and let the Darkness take his place, a noble effort to stave off the onslaught of the light. Too little too late though. And as the stalwart guardians of my madness fell one by one the others failed and fled, leaving me almost to myself. But of course there was Hob.

Now I remember when Hob wasn't me. I remember when Hob was some other guy. The Others all came from inside, maybe their names and likenesses once belonged to someone else, but they were always a part of me. Not so with Hob. Hob was his own man. His own monster. And somehow he found purchase in my soul and just sort of stuck. Whereas King was the leader Hob was the boss. When I couldn't, he ran the show. He wasn't always a very nice guy, but he got the job done (and had a sight bit more fun than the rest of us in playing the game as well). It's why he was so hard to get rid of. Why he seemed so strong in the first place. You can't just chase Hob away. The others go dormant on their own, but Hob survives. Hob fights back. You can't just send him off, you have to beat him down, you have to trap him.

So I put the little fucker in the nail with the rest of my sins. And then I got rid of it.

Lots of people won't know what I'm talking about there. Some might, but they still won't understand

If there were anyone out there who'd been following this from the start (5 years and damn near 1,000 posts) you may have noticed that one of my favorite things was writing dialogues. Just short little exchanges, little or no character detail, little or no story. Just dialogue. If you've been reading this for the past month or so you may have noticed that they've all but disappeared. In looking back just now I realize that the only two times since the streak began that I've used dialogue correspond to the two points where I was feeling the lowest. The two points where I felt like I might slip. The lower I get the louder they get. And I haven't heard them at all since I got rid of Hob.

Interesting.

But like I said, it didn't go exactly as planned either. Remember the baby? I've never been fake, I've never been numb. I'd rather suffer than pretend to be something I'm not. And suddenly I find myself drained of certain aspects of what was once considered my personality. And it doesn't bother me half as much as I would have expected it too. So I'll take the good while I can get it, hold onto happy as long as I can. And if it fails or falters, even if it regresses to that fucked up kind of happy I'm used to. Well, so be it. I just hope then I can get back the things which helped me survive...even though I've seemed to turn my back on them just now.

We will see.