Ecstasy of Gold: Seven Sorts of Sorry

So I'll come clean right now.

I didn't walk nine miles last night.

I know I set out to, but that's just not what happened.

See I started thinking, and like thinking does on occasion it totally got in the way. I mean it's not like I was thinking anything bad, I'm pretty sure I was delirious most of the night. But I was thinking...a lot.

It wasn't the "What am I doing with my life?" conversation that I sometimes have with people. I mean we all have that conversation at one point or the other, most of the time I think I'm on the happy side of that conversation.

It wasn't the "conquering my demons" conversation, or the "figuring out why I'm in a good mood for no reason" conversation ,or even the "damn I really need to get laid" conversation. In fact it wasn't much of a conversation at all. It was just a stream of mildly fucked consciousness. And it was actually pretty neat.

I've thought a lot about the ways I've changed in the last year and a half or so. And the last couple of days I've been trying to put that in perspective somewhat because I know how far I've come, but I know how far I've got left to go.

I thought a lot about my friends last night, a lot about my family, even a little about God. I've thought about the big things I've fucked up, the little things I've gotten wrong, and that huge chunk of things that I know I got right...but that still turned out sort of sideways.

And I've thought about those times I've changed in my life. Those times I wasn't happy with the way things were going, and knew it was time to make a change. Those times I've been ahead of the curve and been able to change as the changing world necessitated. Mostly I thought about those times I've changed with a whole lot of help. The times I've gone into a situation one way, and came out another.

See there's that whole bit about God closing a door but opening a window. Shit bit of symbolism meant to show that there's always a way. Thing is that analogy doesn't account for what's on the other side of the opening. You go through that window looking to change and it just might happen. But if you don't know what's in the room you don't know what sort of change is waiting for you. So sure you're going to change, but change into what?

You know what they say.

One bastard goes in...another one comes out.

I'm a lucky guy. I know that. If it wasn't for luck I wouldn't still be sitting here. I'm the King of Coincidence. You see I reckon I'm the best there is at a whole lot of bad things. And it'll likely stay that way. You want to be the best, you've got to beat the best. And to beat me you've got to be both better than me, and luckier than me at the same time. I'm not saying it will never happen, I'm just saying it hasn't happened yet, and I've got no reason to believe it will anytime soon. Likely because no one really wants the sort of crown I'm wearing.

I've had a good life. An easy life by most accounts. And all the troubles in my life I've brought on myself one way or the other. Sure my life could have been easier, but at what cost? I wouldn't want it to be any easier if it was even a little bit less interesting.

I've never done anything. Probably never will. But for someone who doesn't do a lot of wrong I sure do have a lot of sins to pay for.

Now I'm not much for begging forgiveness for my sins, but I'll gladly pay for them when the time comes. We perform our penance privately, every day and every night. And when we bleed it is so that we may see our blood and be reminded of exactly what it is we hold on to so dearly.

I mean I'm seven sorts of sorry, and if that ain't enough to tell you that there's likely a whole lot of wrong going on in my head at any given moment then I just don't know what will. But like I said...I'm the best at a whole lot of bad things. And you've never seen anyone that can fail quite as spectacularly as me and still come out on top.

I did a lot of thinking last night, a lot of thinking.

It just that what I was thinking didn't make a whole lot of sense most of the time.

So did I walk nine miles last night?

No.

No I didn't.

I walked ten...