Of April's Merry Fool

I've gotten careless in my old age. Today I almost made a mistake you would expect of an amateur. I caught myself in time. I used to say "No harm, no foul". But nowadays I'm not so sure.

I've resolved the dangerous parts of several situations, and there are of course several more that will most likely need my attention before too long. I'm stringing a few things along for a bit while I try to make up my mind as well. Nothing serious of course, I don't play games when it comes to the serious stuff. But minor little things that making a final decision on would probably cause more trouble than I need to cause right now...those can wait.

So at the end of the day most of what I've done and said balances out. It's pointless to argue that right now. On a regular basis I have zero impact on the world and the people around me. I'm beautifully irrelevant. It's not so bad when you consider that most people have a negative impact on the world around them just about everyday. I like to think that on the rare occassion I do something meaningful that it's something that works out for the better. Something that, even if it doesn't help, doesn't hurt. I'm not so foolish that I don't realize the fact that I tend to hurt people when I try too hard. But I think I'm at about even overall. And I really couldn't ask for much more right this second.

I could probably be a little more productive at work. There's been a lot of little stuff that needs my attention lately, time consuming stuff, but not really important stuff. I find myself spending a lot of time on stuff I could probably put off till later or not do at all. Part of it is I'm just trying to get things right, part of it is I just don't give a shit somedays. I always care about what I do, how much effort I put into it, and the overall well being of my company, my employees, and my customers. But how much enthusiasm can you work up filling out the 500th unemployment form of the year? Or bonding the 86th contract? Or filling out the same goddamn housing form because some dipshit couldn't remember to save their pay stubs and some underpaid overworked social worker keeps losing the paperwork you already sent in eight times? Do you have any idea how many times a month we encounter child support issues? How much time I waste talking to various departments and offices and divisions about some deadbeat dad who doesn't look after his six kids by four mothers and just so happens to work for me? I don't have any kids. I'm not fucking anybody. But I'm going to suffer by having to fill out form after form and spend hours a month on the phone because somebody else fucked and ran. Or how about how much time I spend trying to find lost cell phones and backpacks and IPods and trapper keepers (or whatever the hell they call them nowadays)? You haven't lived until you've spent fifteen minutes in the middle of the night crawling around the floor of a ten year old school bus with a maglite searching for little Suzy's Rumor2 or little Avraham's Tefilin (which by the way cost a frakkin' mint from what I understand) because even though they were foolish enough to leave it on the bus they absolutely can't live without it and need it back right now. If it wasn't for the fact that I make an obscene amount of money and enjoy like 75% of what I do this is the point where I'd be going, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"

I'd probably be screaming that very loudly. Over and over again.

I mean seriously here folks. I'm 28 years old. I'm about the fattest ugliest piece of shit you'll ever see in your entire life. For the majority of my life I've been so mentally unbalanced that my biggest problem wasn't the voices I heard in my head, it was the fact that they spent so much time talking to each other instead of me that I was getting sort of jealous. If I hadn't repeatedly spent every penny I've ever had on whiskey, women, and comic books I'd be a goddamn millionaire by now. I can't keep my house clean, I don't take very good care of my dog, I can't handle relationships, and I don't spend half as much time as I'd like to with my friends and family. And somehow I still think I'm doing pretty goddamn good...

So either I've got about the lowest godddamn set of standards you could ever imagine, or I'm just sort of ok with taking life at my own pace. I mean, life takes time...so I guess it's good we don't have anything better to do.

I'm getting there folks. Really I am. And I know I keep saying that but nobody but me really has any idea how far I've come or how far I've got left to go. April is always a good month for conflicted feelings and emotions and it's always a very interesting month for me...

(Sample quotes from the last several Aprils:

- April 5th, 2008 - My Heart Is Beating Like A Fucked Clock: If I had a pistol, not twenty minutes ago, I would have stuck it in my fucking mouth and blown the back of my head all over creation. The fact that I am writing this now is a testament to two things. One the resounding lack of a pistol. And two the better judgement of my dominant self overruling the whims of my other parts.

- April 17th, 2007- Let Me Clear My Throat... Pick up Jere to take him to car dealer ship in Wayne. Cars blocked in by three other cars. Going nowhere. "When did they tell you to pick it up?" "They didn't." "When did you tell them you were coming?" "I didn't." "Fucking great." Driving to Vernon at 4 A.M. Drop Jere off at 4:50, secretly wish that he gets raped by a bear with AIDS.

-April 24th, 2006- Those People That Come And Go: And I wonder if I'm done meeting new people, and if I was have I met enough to have my fill? And the thought frightens the living shit out of me. I ain't been but 45 minutes away from whereever I start in damn near a year, and though there's plenty of adventure to be had 45 minutes from anywhere in North Jersey I'm beginning to wonder if there's enough.

-April 1st, 2005- Burn Baby Burn: I just can't win. Well maybe I could, but I'd probably have to cheat. April's Merry Fool: If October was for being Lonesome, then April will have to settle for being Weird. It starts today.

-April 29th, 2004- Flying Free On Steel Wings... I'm flying free on steel wings while falling from the sun with designs on opportunity. What if Icarus had pulled up? Not gone quite so close to the sun? What if the little fucker had decided to leave well enough alone? Well then no one would have known who he was. )

You see what I mean? April can get real interesting in my head. Funny thing is that this time I'm sort of looking forward to it.

So wish me luck...if I've got anything to say about it it's going to be one hell of a month.