Fear, Fatigue & The Fugue

I'm not doing all that brilliantly right now.

There isn't anything wrong really.

At least not anything that I could call a proper situation.

It's just that I'm sort of wonked.

I'm doing fuck all horribly on my "diet". I was down around thirty pounds from January to the end of March. And in a little over a month I've put most of that back on. I'm fucking tired all the time so it's tougher to work out, I'm fucking trying to avoid so many things that I can't focus on eating right or even eating at all. So instead of eating the shit I'm supposed to eat a few times a day in small amounts I'm right back to eating shit I shouldn't eat once a day in entirely too large an amount. Fuck. The worst part is that even though you could never see the difference because I'm so fucking huge to start with I could feel the difference. And now I feel worse then I did before. When you're just consistently gaining weight over a long period of time you don't feel the difference. When you've actually gone down a few pounds and then packed it back on all in a rather short period of time you definitely notice. And I don't like it. It's never bothered me being a fat fuck, but this isn't a feeling I like at all.

Add to that the fact that I'm really fucking up when it comes managing my time right now, I'm spending too much time in the office and not enough time getting my house straightened out or trying to get into an appropriate exercise routine or even just sleeping. I'm beat. And for the first time I'm feeling like I won't be able to get my energy back if I don't catch a little break.

My head's been pretty solid these past five months (holy shit...that long, eh?). But in the past two weeks I've found myself slightly confused about a few things I thought I was pretty clear on. I guess that's just life sometimes, but these are things that if I make the wrong call on I'm dicked.

I've also been behaving myself pretty much lately. With the exception of one or two ill advised nights and a rare (mostly well justified) outburst I've got my shit fairly under control. Not saying I won't snap and rip people's arms off for no reason one of these days, but I'm just saying it seems less likely than it used to.

So yeah, I'm terrified about a whole laundry list of new things, tired because of so many others , and confused just enough that I might wake up one morning knowing I'll never be certain about anything ever again.

Shit...this could get interesting.