Stretch

I'd say today isn't going well, but the truth is it just isn't going much at all. I'm totally nonproductive right now. Nothing is getting done. Nothing is moving forward. I'm sort of trudging along taking care of the things that need to be taken care of immediately and just staring at the piles of things that don't.

I'm usually better than that.

I'm feeling a bit lost. There's a whole lot of hinting that I might be doing something horribly wrong here, and it's coming from all different directions and referring to all sorts of different things. The thing is I don't believe that anyone thinks I'm actually doing anything wrong. My father doesn't actually think I'm being shady or destroying the company, no one who hears my amusing go-go dancer stories actually thinks I'm fooling around with a go-go dancer, no one who knows how much time I spend with the church kids thinks I have any ulterior motives.

They just think the way I do things is weird. They think I'm weird.

They're right. Everything I do is weird. Everything I am is weird. I'm not different, or special, or exceptional in any way. I'm perfectly ordinary...I'm just not normal. I'm weird.

I've gotten used to that.

My old man can't understand why I don't care about money. Doesn't get why my goal in life isn't to amass as big of a fortune as I possibly can regardless of what it takes to do so. Doesn't get why I spend my money on others, or just give it away. Doesn't get what good it does me. There has to be some other reason for it.

My friends don't understand why I go to the places I go and do the types of things I do just to talk to someone. Surely there must be some angle. I must be trying to get something, or do something, or be something. There has to be more to it. There has to be something I'm not saying. There has to be some other reason for it.

Some people don't get why I spend so much time hanging out with people ten years younger than me. Why I deal with some of the bullshit that goes on, why I put so much time and effort and money into something that makes no sense to them. They don't get what I'm up to. They don't understand what I get out of it. There has to be some other reason for it.

But there's not. There's no reason for any of what I do beyond that it's what I want to do, or it's the right thing to do, or it just makes me feel better. I'm not half as complicated as you might think I am.

You don't think the same way everyone else does, you don't act the same way everyone else does, you don't want the same things everyone else does and people start to think there's something wrong with you. They start to think you're broken.

But I'm just not like everybody else. I just can't be.

Everybody's worried about the future, a future I probably don't have. So I'm not going to waste what I've got worrying about what I won't ever have. And I don't plan on letting anyone else do the worrying for me either.

I got this.

Really I do.

I'm not broken, I swear I'm not...I'm just a little weird.