The Spider In My Camera

There's a spider in my camera. I don't know how he got there. I just know that I might not have noticed if his web hadn't grown so thick and tangled that it began to block my view. He sits there on his web, waiting for something, I know not what. And I sit here watching...and waiting as well.
~
I have no idea what I'm doing right this second. I'm normally fairly secure in the fact that nothing I do matters in one way or the other. I'm one of those people who would be glad if things that I did made a difference, but wouldn't be horribly disappointed if they didn't. Most of the time I rest easy in the fact that I'm not doing any harm at least. And then other times I'm not so sure. I'm pretty sure nothing I'm doing right now will ever make any difference...but I'm not totally sure. Maybe we're about to see that perfect storm where every stupid little thing I do actually somehow matters and I'm scared to death it will only be in bad ways.

I could sit here and think all night about these things I've done. Can sit here all night and worry about certain chains of events that I have put in motion. But the truth is that so small is the chance that anything at all wil come of it that I'd be wasting my time worrying about how badly it could go.

What will I do tonight? I'm not sure. There is somewhere I could have gone, but for reasons all my own I did not go. There's that bit of me that sits here and says it's still early, I could still make a run at it, but then the old tired rest of me screams to slow down and not get so far ahead of myself. There's that bit that says do whatever comes up because you don't know how far away tomorrow is and don't know what you'll be doing then. And there's that bit that says fuck it...just pack it in and go home because there is no way that one single human being could possibly take this much raw shit and still be standing. But then I look around. And I see so many people dealing with so much worse shit than me, and I know that they've got it so much tougher than I do and it doesn't make me feel better...but it reminds me that we're never alone in any of this. And though I watch other people struggle through the same exact shit over and over again and none of it ever comes close to being like any of what I've gone through, well it still just seems to fit. It still just seems to scream, "It's going to be ok." It just seems like the whole world keeps saying "It's going to be ok." Even though none of us are really sure that it's true.
~
I can see the spider every now and then crawling across the camera lense. I wonder how he expects to catch anything in the web, afterall he is all alone in there. And I wonder if when he realizes this he'll be able to get out...or if one of these days I'll be watching a dead spider stuck in his own web.