"They say that something that doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, and if it does kill you...well then it's not really your problem anymore now is it?"- T.O. Hob, The Return
You know there's that point in your life where you stop, look back, and wonder..."How many people are left that I could possibly disappoint?"
And then you sort of wonder how you went so wrong when all you wanted to do was make sure everyone else was alright. You can't win them all, but you know what they call it when you can't win any of them? My life.
I'm a shitty person, a shitty businessman, a shitty customer, a shitty friend. I get that. I really do. But you never met a shittier person who tried harder to balance the scales then me.
I know what I am. And I know what I can't be. I'm sort of hopeless that way. Today just reminded me of that.
I talked to my old man about a couple of things today. Sort of in passing. There was a bit of a talk about surgery, and in what may be a first for me I admitted out loud that the idea scares the living shit out of me. We talked about me taking a vacation, and we briefly talked about me taking an extended vacation. And we had a half a second conversation about life, women, and growing old. And in that half a second I probably learned more about my father from the look he gave me then I've learned about him from anything he's ever said. It was sort of sad. I had a brief conversation with an old friend and I think she may have gotten the impression that I'm gone for good and until I realized that's what she thought I hadn't realized it might be true. And then I sort of wondered why the hell I'd be thinking that, until I realized there was no reason at all. That was sort of sad too. And across the rest of the night I saw and talked to people that mean the world to me and I sort of began to think about exactly what that world is made up of. And whether or not I really can stand being apart of it any longer.
I don't know if I'm destroying it, or it's destroying me.
Maybe it's time for me to say the word, and watch the whole world shift three inches to the right. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
There's a pile of stuff on my desk just begging to be done, but I already know I don't have the head for doing it right this second. So I'm going to pack up, call it a night and head home and make a decision. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to bring Hob back and see what he thinks about the way my life has gone in his absence...
...but then again, I've spent the last ten minutes simultaneously writing this post and playing a game called "Zombie Hooker Nightmare Episode 2" while trying to remember if there's toilet paper in the office bathroom because I ate the meatloaf at the King George and I have to take a really ripping shit right now.
Really folks...does anyone expect any more of me at this point?
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