Ashes

Sunshine

It's not that things continued to go well yesterday, it's that things went badly and still I felt like I was on the side of the right. Still I felt like I was ok. The streak lives. This is the longest stretch of me feeling right in a very very long time. And even better I'm doing it without invoking the names of the others. It's just me. Just me. And I'm loving it. Sometime in the next few days I'll be going out for my father's 70th birthday (which was last week), I'll be meeting up with a few of the Antioch people hopefully, Michelle's birthday is next week, then the Antioch follow up meeting, weekend after that some of the guys are shipping up to Boston for the St.Patrick's Day Parade and a Dropkick Murphy's concert, after that my cousin James is back in town for Spring Break and there will be the Bayonne St.Patrick's Day parade (at which I've already promised I won't regale the crowds with stories of Tim's exploits from last year). So all in all this might keep on keeping on.

Good for me.

Kokomo

Ah but it's not that simple. Why would it be. This is me we're talking about. In the last few days I've grown irrationally angry with my brother. He's doing really well it seems like and I'm pretty proud of him. But there's some stuff going on that, amazing as it sounds, through no fault of his own has me a little pissed at him.

See Tim and I have always had an interesting dynamic. We're brothers. We love each other, we really do. But each one of us would slit the others throat in a heartbeat if we thought it would solve a problem. I protect people from Tim, and Tim protects people from me. The wreckage we leave in our paths somehow inexplicably balances out. We don't screw with each others lives all that often. But when we do...oh boy when we do. It never ends well.

So Tim is back working with me for the past few weeks, and that's cool, he's more than welcome as long as he does what he needs to do. He's doing pretty well for the most part. It helps that he doesn't have much responsibility and we don't ask him to do all that much outside what he knew he'd be doing. So it works. But he's doing well with it. Now he's got a chance to go back to the job he was doing that he seemed to really like. Good for him. It's a good job, he's good at it, he enjoys it. So so long. If you ever need to come back, you're more than welcome. I do what I originally wanted to do and hire someone, my father gets out of my way. We be rolling.

But hold on. It can never be that simple.

My father in one of his desperate and nonsensical attempts to control something he has no right to control is insisting that Tim stays on one or two days a week. This will do me absolutely no good. No good at all. In fact it will likely cause more problems than it solves. It serves no purpose. But my father can't just get out of the way, he's not happy if he's not fucking with something. So without telling me, without discussing it with me, he's trying to make a play for keeping Tim involved. Tim came back with the agreement it would be on my terms. This is my show. I'm the only one who puts the effort in required to make this work and I'm the only one in for the long haul. So I made it pretty clear that things would be on my terms. And now the old man is trying to be sneaky. I'm not having it. Not for one second. So if Tim wants to do this part time for a few weeks while he sees if this other thing will stick, that's cool. Anything past that is another story. It's just real tough to believe that the old man will keep his word when he's broken it so many times before.

There are a few other silly things. But that's pretty much it. It's not even really Tim's fault. Not that much anyhow. And yet I spent a good part of the afternoon wanting to pulverize him every time he stepped into the office.

I probably owe him an ass whupping from somewhere along the line either way.

Waiver

Now there was of course a brief moment of down today much like any other day. I'm hungry today, I've only got 320 calories in me and it's already coming up on 7 P.M. I sort of feel like eating chinese food even though I know I shouldn't. If I do I'll likely go well over 1,500 calories. I've got to get back on the treadmill today too, but that's tough to do with a stomach full of lo mein.

I'm still under 370 lbs. but it's been a few days since I've been able to get back down to 365 lbs. I'm thinking of making a push across the next three day to try and get back to that point which I so briefly touched late last week. That means my 7 day high was 377 lbs and my seven day low was 365 lbs. That's a 12 lb swing. Meaning at the best point in the past week I was down about 30 lbs overall and at the worst point I was down less than 20 lbs. Figure tonight I'll be up over 370 lbs. and if I'm lucky I'll be able to struggle back down by Sunday. Next week I really need to see the doctor again. It's been a little while. Got to see if my numbers are still good and I've got to see what my options are if I have to go surgical. Not that I'm really considering that right now. Hadn't even crossed my mind since last time I went to the doctor. But in the last day or two I've really started to wonder. What if it could really help? What if I already fixed my head and this could fix the rest of me? Wouldn't it be nice to be almost normal?

Aaaannddd...in conclusion: I got some stuff done around the house last night, going to get a little more done tonight. Don't really have anything planned for daytime this weekend so I might just spend that time making my house liveable again. In between I'd really like to write a story of some sort. Just not sure if I can remember how anymore.

Sure as shit gonna try though.