The Motherfucking Reckoner

Oh Boy
The fact that I still have power in my house is a minor miracle. The fact that I have even a dime to my name is something incredible as well. The fact that I'm still smiling from last weekend? Unheard of. I'm just feeling good. Really really good. It's sort of scary. I've been saying for months that my whole world is going to come crashing down shortly. I still believe that. I'm still ready for it. But...what if it doesn't have to? What if there's a chance this all shakes out? I've let myself hope for things before and then been disappointed when they go wrong. Not this time though. This time if things go wrong I'll do everything I can to pull myself back up, and if things go well I'll just be pleasantly surprised.

For now I'm just sort of happy.

Imagine that. Me? Happy?

NYCC
The fan segment of Comic Con starts in just under two hours. I won't be there for the opening, but I'll be there at some point soon after. I'm not dying to see anything, but I do have a couple of things I want to do. I want to see if I can pick up the early Stray Bullets trades, want to see about getting some artwork to replace my Joker painting, and just check out the schedule for the rest of the weekend. Not sure if anyone is coming with me tonight, but if anyone does than perhaps we'll go out for a bit afterwards.

Hills
This isn't going to sound like much of an accomplishment to anyone, but seriously, let's remember who we're talking about. I consider not dying on a daily basis an accomplishment. But today when I hopped on the scale I got a pleasant surprise and I'm going to call it an accomplishment. I'll say it again. For a long time I had no idea what I weighed. Didn't fit on the scale at the doctor's office. Doc was guessing 350 lbs, but I know that my look is deceptive so I sort of tagged another 25 lbs on there and called it 375. That's what I said for quite awhile. When I got sick last year I noticed that I had gained weight as well. After consulting with the doctors and still having no idea how big I was I started to eat better and exercise more. Clothes that hadn't fit for awhile actually started to fit. I felt healthier. And when I got on the scale again at the doctor's office I was shocked to see that I was weighing in at over 384 lbs. I had lost weight, and I was still checking in at 384 lbs. I worked hard for another month, but didn't feel any real difference. My basement flooded again in October and I was off the treadmill for the rest of the year. Towards the end of November and for all of December I pretty much stopped eating well. I wasn't back to my old habits by any stretch, but I wasn't eating healthy at all. I put weight back on. If I had to guess I would say I was creeping back up towards 400 lbs again. When I got on the scale beginning of this month I was at 396 lbs. Within two weeks I was down to 376 lbs. Then I stalled. I'd gain a pound, lose a pound. Hell when you're my size you can drop 5 lbs by taking a dump. I was convinced that first 10-15 lbs was gone. But the next 5 or was going back and forth. Last weekend (despite being sick) I gained 5 lbs. I haven't necessarily done all that well this week either. I was off the treadmill beginning of the week because I didn't feel well, and eating somewhat poorly after that because I was hungry from having not kept anything down for a few days (Riddle me this, how can you vomit up or immediately shit out everything you eat for three days and still gain weight?). I really thought things were going to go poorly this week. But I got back on the treadmill with a vengeance. And though I've eaten some shit, I've also balanced it out by eating fairly well the rest of the time. Yesterday morning I was 374 lbs. This morning I'm 369 lbs. That's 27 lbs. in a month. Holy fucking Christ. I know some of that's going to come back. I'll probably be over 370 by this afternoon, but seriously...wow. Maybe I can do this...just maybe.

Cherry Lingo Actual

Aaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd finally...I'm totally stalled on my talk for Antioch. It's not that I can't put my feelings into words it's that I can't make them come out in a way that would make everyone else understand them. I can say a lot of things, I've always been able to say a lot of things. And I can convince people of a lot of things as well. But I don't want to convince people of anything. I want to show them something. I really want to show them something. I'm just not sure how.