Weekend of The Gods Pt. 3: Vicissitudinary

Look, here's the thing, this is either going to go very very well, or it's going to go very very badly.

That's all there is to it.

I'd be lying if I told you that I had any inkling which way it's going to go.

God's honest.

All I can say is that I know it won't change the way I think or feel about anything.

Not this time. Not this way.

This time I know.

Sometime last week someone hesitated to tell me something, said they were afraid I would think less of them for it. And I told them quite honestly that nothing they could ever say about me would in any way affect what I thought of them. It was the truth, there are certain absolutes that I know I can get away with saying. I also admitted that I was wrong once. I told someone once that I would do anything for them and as it turned out I would have done just about anything for them...but not quite anything.

I will always regret being wrong about that.

Later on that night that same person said that they always had lots of people after them romantically, but never the people they wanted. That people always wanted to be their friend, but never the people they wanted to be friends with. I seemed to think that those were good problems to have, too many people liking you. But I also knew I couldn't really relate. I could never ask for better friends than I have. Could never ask for any more from them. It just wouldn't be fair.

Friday night as I sat in Geez with a few of the guys I mentioned that I'd been having a really good couple of weeks, near simultaneously I mentioned that I'm totally broke, have been drinking entirely too often, and have been on quite the self-destructive tear. They seemed to be stumped as to how to reconcile those ideas. God's honest as I heard myself saying it I thought the same thing.

I've also been thinking a lot about my talk. In the past few weeks I've told several people the story I wanted to tell in my talk. I didn't tell them the whole thing, didn't tell them exactly how I wanted to tell it, but I told it and that was something I don't recall ever properly doing before. I told it because I wanted to gauge their reactions. I told it because I want to have some idea whether or not it's the story I want to tell. The reactions have run from someone nearly crying to someone looking at me in sheer disgust to someone being baffled as to why I would tell such a horrible and personal story. So they've pretty much run the gamut. I still have no idea if that's the story I'm going to tell.

What I do know is that this was another amazing week, that I'm still running the good streak and we're well into Week 3. Friday night I hung out with the guys, Saturday I hung out with the kids, and today I hung out with the church folks. What more can a guy ask for?

I don't know.

I ain't right yet, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm getting there.