Aw Man, What The Fuck?

Dammit. I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I'm not entirely sure that's what this is because I've never actually had an anxiety attack before but all of a sudden I can't concentrate long enough to do the math on the numbers I'm running for payroll and even if I could there isn't enough strength in my hands to hold the pen to write any of them down. I'm having a hard time typing here my fingers are sort of flopping around and I keep hitting the wrong damn keys at the wrong damn times and it's taking me forever just to write a single god damn word. My chest feels empty, my head feels like it's about to explode, and my legs have gone all rubbery so that when I just tried to stand up my ankle bent over the wrong way and I immediately dropped right back into my chair where my desk is currently propping me up so that I don't fall the fuck over. My stomach hurts, my hands are shaking, I'm drenched in sweat. This is not good.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm leaving. As soon as I can catch my breathe and I'm certain my legs will hold me I'm standing up and getting the fuck out of dodge. Going to stop and pick the kids up and have some lunch. Going to drive around in circles for awhile till I feel like I'm feeling better and then I'm going to head back in and actually get some work done. Tomorrow? I'm not coming to work. Fuck it. Maybe I'll go to a movie, or a museum, or maybe I'll just start driving and not stop till I run out of gas. Then I'll fill up the tank and turn around and head right back because tomorrow night we've got a prayer service and this weekend we got a legendmaker brewing and even though I've let doubt get the better of me in the past few hours I've got a handle on it now and it's not going to win out. Not this time anyway.

I was sick.

But now I'm well.

And there's work to be done.